(no subject)
There is so much going on in my head right I could write a fucking novel. Which would suck because I have absolutely no idea what I'm thinking. All my thoughts are jumbling together and things that used to make sense suddenly don't anymore and the things that never made sense still don't make sense and nothing makes sense. There is so much I want to say but my thoughts are moving too fast. I can't catch them to write them down. Okay, so I've made some mistakes. I've done things I know I shouldn't have done. But this time, for the first time I felt like I was doing something right. Things made sense. But somehow I mesed up again. I'm right back to where I was before which is not a good place to be. But I'm trying to get better, I really am. I just keep saying to myself "this is not the end of the world, you can get past this, you are stronger than that" and you know, other words of encouragement. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it just makes it hurt worse. I have an actual, physical pain and I can't make it go away. I don't know why I did it. I didn't even want to do it. At one point, yeah maybe I wanted it, but I then I didn't anymore. I was happy. Then I went got myself into something that's only going to make everything else harder. I never should have done it. But now there are feelings involved. Now someone is inevitably going to get hurt. I am so mad at myself for doing that. I mean, sure for the first 5 seconds it was really exciting, then I started thinking aobut it, which went alongs the lines of, "did I just...well, fuck, i did." It was never going to work out anyway. It couldn't. It doesn't excite me, I have no enthusiasm about it, it doesn't make my stomach do flips. It just makes me say "shit, look what i got myself into." And now I don't know what to do because it all turned around on me. It totally backfired. I really messed up. Never again, Elizabeth, NEVER AGAIN. I'm too flawed to try to be someone's fucking hero. And she's more messed up than I am. I never should have done it. How the fuck do I undo it? I can't go back in time. What's done is done. I guess I'll just have to live with this decision, for awhile at least. They got it right in RENT, "you gotta dance till your diva is through."