Please don't laugh
The last two mornings I've been giving an hour to journalling. In this case, discipline has paid immediate dividends. Ended up transcribing a dialogue between my current self & my 8yrold self this morning. Cried a lot. It follows perfectly that if every loss restimulates an event that happened at eight, then probably my wacked out emotional responses are his. Yep. Turns out all the things I've been yearning for, usually from partners, I can offer to myself if I frame it as such a dialogue. It may be that the only magic here is in my passion for symbolism, but the little tyke seems to be wanting many things that I knew I needed but for which I was having trouble setting aside time, e.g.- outdoor play with lots of space for looking around at pretty things, explaining things to myself as one would to an anguished kid, time alone to cry, which of course won't feel like it's alone because it's with "him," and won't be so easy to backburner because of promised it to "him." Does this seem like a disorder to anyone? Does that even matter to me?
The whole thing came out of an effort to stop blaming people (including myself) for my unhappiness, as, truth value aside, there's no margin in the blaming & subsequent bitterness. This would appear to have allowed me to let go almost completely of my attachment to reconciling with the ex-, to whom I just sent a simple, undramatic, "thank you for everything," note, that asked nothing in return. Mind you, it's been five hours, so no staying power has been established. I could be an obssessed wreck again tomorrow.
In other ironic news, my cofacilitator in the batterer intervention group that I've recently taken on permanently, is a bornagain christian. She doesn't bring it with her to work (I found it in a carride to a training a couple of months ago) but I think it hilarious that I'm having a functional professional partnership w/ a christer. Talk about forgiveness!
Also there is a piece of sculpture under a tree in a secluded spot less than a block from my house which makes a morning nap seem an adventure.
Manically yours,
briseur
The whole thing came out of an effort to stop blaming people (including myself) for my unhappiness, as, truth value aside, there's no margin in the blaming & subsequent bitterness. This would appear to have allowed me to let go almost completely of my attachment to reconciling with the ex-, to whom I just sent a simple, undramatic, "thank you for everything," note, that asked nothing in return. Mind you, it's been five hours, so no staying power has been established. I could be an obssessed wreck again tomorrow.
In other ironic news, my cofacilitator in the batterer intervention group that I've recently taken on permanently, is a bornagain christian. She doesn't bring it with her to work (I found it in a carride to a training a couple of months ago) but I think it hilarious that I'm having a functional professional partnership w/ a christer. Talk about forgiveness!
Also there is a piece of sculpture under a tree in a secluded spot less than a block from my house which makes a morning nap seem an adventure.
Manically yours,
briseur