the hardest part...
yesturday I had to do the hardest thing in my life. I had to agree to breaking up with the love of my life
I put all the things he gave me, the things that remind me of him, and all his posessions away in a drawer... I delted the pics form my cell, and put the other ones in a private folder on my desktop so they dont flash on my screen saver. it hurts too much to look at them, and it just makes everything so real.
the night before, I was a mess... I didnt get off the phone with him until 5, and I layed in bed staring at the ceiling crying til like 7, or so i think. I never literally cryed myself to sleep before, until that night. It continued with a sleepless night of panic attacks and more crying... I was so tired of trying to fall asleep that i just went downstairs to start my lonely day. I was lucky if i even got a total of 3 hours sleep.
that day i was a zombie... crying every 15 minuetes... declaring how unfair it is, and hoping he will want me back someday. feeling so confused.. and hurt and upset and alone. if we both love eachother y cant we just be together? life is too short to spend away from someone you love. everything in my life feels like its falling apart. I had a future planned out for us.... and its vanishing before my eyes. Y cant I be there for him, why cant i play the role of the supportive and understanding person? Now Im just a friend... a friend?... I have been in love with this man for 4 years, and now Im his friend. I cant live my life being just his friend... I will always want more. I am literally walking around like a sad and lonely zombie. But I have to respect that he needs his space to go further with his job.... I just wanted to be the one to share it with him thats all.
the only thing keeping me going is the possibly that we some day might be together again, i dont know when or how long ill have to wait... but im waiting as long as it takes... becuz he is my "one"... he is the one im suppose to be with, that i meant for... that iwas put on this earth for!
Im gonna wait... forever if i have to... becuz he is my forever!...i will move to california if i have to... hell i owuld follow him to alaska ot dubai if thats what he really wanted.
I wanted to be living in buffalo... but i want to be with him more, and i cant have my cake and eat it to... he is what i want... cuz in the end thats all we got is eachother... well i hope so.
I keep thinking about all the fun times and good memeories we have of being together...
-going to the zoo... it was favorite place to go... we loved seeing the animals
-The first day we met, how nervous i was, yet when we hugged it all went away.. and that night we just sat at the picnic table looking at eachother in disbelief, but totally happy
-hugging him, making me feel so safe and warm
-Midori sushi, how we loved that place... and bri clownin the one waiter
-talking on the phone all hours of the night and day.. just falling in love
-diggin through the garabage cuz he thew his wallet out
- our never ending shopping addiction, shopping at every mall.... shopping always made us happy.
-words we would make up like kickeded and avacado (said funny), and cafe la moush!
-cuddling in bed
-our perfect valentines day
-pasedena
-the first time i ever came to california, and meeting his family
god there are so many... if i continue I will just keep crying. I love him and miss him so much... I just and preying every night that we are going to end up back together becuz he is my everything. I am so proud of him. he has changed my life and continues to inspire every day with his hard work and determination. I am who I am today becuz of him.
someone tod me today... that "maybe you guys arnt meant to be right now, but your hearts and love will only grow from here, and then you will be meant to be when you are both ready"... she made me cry... i sure hope shes right..
God I miss him... all i want is him! thats all i want for myself
I put all the things he gave me, the things that remind me of him, and all his posessions away in a drawer... I delted the pics form my cell, and put the other ones in a private folder on my desktop so they dont flash on my screen saver. it hurts too much to look at them, and it just makes everything so real.
the night before, I was a mess... I didnt get off the phone with him until 5, and I layed in bed staring at the ceiling crying til like 7, or so i think. I never literally cryed myself to sleep before, until that night. It continued with a sleepless night of panic attacks and more crying... I was so tired of trying to fall asleep that i just went downstairs to start my lonely day. I was lucky if i even got a total of 3 hours sleep.
that day i was a zombie... crying every 15 minuetes... declaring how unfair it is, and hoping he will want me back someday. feeling so confused.. and hurt and upset and alone. if we both love eachother y cant we just be together? life is too short to spend away from someone you love. everything in my life feels like its falling apart. I had a future planned out for us.... and its vanishing before my eyes. Y cant I be there for him, why cant i play the role of the supportive and understanding person? Now Im just a friend... a friend?... I have been in love with this man for 4 years, and now Im his friend. I cant live my life being just his friend... I will always want more. I am literally walking around like a sad and lonely zombie. But I have to respect that he needs his space to go further with his job.... I just wanted to be the one to share it with him thats all.
the only thing keeping me going is the possibly that we some day might be together again, i dont know when or how long ill have to wait... but im waiting as long as it takes... becuz he is my "one"... he is the one im suppose to be with, that i meant for... that iwas put on this earth for!
Im gonna wait... forever if i have to... becuz he is my forever!...i will move to california if i have to... hell i owuld follow him to alaska ot dubai if thats what he really wanted.
I wanted to be living in buffalo... but i want to be with him more, and i cant have my cake and eat it to... he is what i want... cuz in the end thats all we got is eachother... well i hope so.
I keep thinking about all the fun times and good memeories we have of being together...
-going to the zoo... it was favorite place to go... we loved seeing the animals
-The first day we met, how nervous i was, yet when we hugged it all went away.. and that night we just sat at the picnic table looking at eachother in disbelief, but totally happy
-hugging him, making me feel so safe and warm
-Midori sushi, how we loved that place... and bri clownin the one waiter
-talking on the phone all hours of the night and day.. just falling in love
-diggin through the garabage cuz he thew his wallet out
- our never ending shopping addiction, shopping at every mall.... shopping always made us happy.
-words we would make up like kickeded and avacado (said funny), and cafe la moush!
-cuddling in bed
-our perfect valentines day
-pasedena
-the first time i ever came to california, and meeting his family
god there are so many... if i continue I will just keep crying. I love him and miss him so much... I just and preying every night that we are going to end up back together becuz he is my everything. I am so proud of him. he has changed my life and continues to inspire every day with his hard work and determination. I am who I am today becuz of him.
someone tod me today... that "maybe you guys arnt meant to be right now, but your hearts and love will only grow from here, and then you will be meant to be when you are both ready"... she made me cry... i sure hope shes right..
God I miss him... all i want is him! thats all i want for myself