Does anyone get it?

[brioi]

It is very apparent to me that I am not seen by some of those that I call friends, as I would like to be. It may be my fault; in fact I know that it is. However, I feel somewhat incapable of altering my circumstance at the moment. I’m doing the best that I can with what I have. I want to be there for my friends in a much better way than I am able.

Comments

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[brioi]

Part II of previous post...

I have noticed that you don’t say as much about yourself. I have noticed that our conversations have become superficial in comparison to the depth that we enjoyed earlier in our conversation. I have noticed that you don’t offer me information as to how you are other than how you seem to be depressed all of the time. Do you remember when you told me that you don’t tell people things until you’re ready? That you are more of a listener than a talker. I do ask you questions, but I don’t pry out of respect of what you’ve told me how you feel about sharing information with other people. You have not been letting me in. I feel that you’ve put a wall and started the process of cutting me off already. All of this because I can’t give you what I used to give. In a relationship, a healthy relationship, both are required to give. I apologize if all that I’m able to offer isn’t enough. You’re rebuking me for something that I have absolutely no control over. And as you continue to doubt me and discard what our friendship is and stands for, you are going to push away the most dedicated, most loyal friend that you’ve ever known. I can’t control how you feel, and I have even less control over your actions. You will do what you will. But keep in mind that as you’re being so critical of me, you are not looking at the big picture. I’ve not changed at all. My circumstances have, my amount of personal time has…but I am still the same. I feel just as strongly about you and our friendship as I ever have.

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[dbrose]

when I said 'if I need to let you go..' I didnt say that as a reaction towhat you said, or that you cant give me as much time.. I said that because its a thought that has crept into my head at times, not because I want to not be your friend or because I think it wouldnt affect me to not have you part of my life. Its because I dont see how I can do anything good for you, or for anyone else. Im a worthles failure and the world would be better of without me. I feel like Im standing on the moon screaming for help, but the world can not hear me. no matter what I cant think of what I can do to communicate across the vacum through which no sound can pass. I so desperatly want to be heard and have someone or somethng show me the way back home, safe on earth with other people, not stuck out on a barren landscape isolated off from those that I want to be close to. But all my attempts ram back and hit me in the face.. it turns out that I cant get myself heard because niether you or anyone else can read my thoughts when Im cut off and so far away. The codes I send out cant be interpreted, and it stings me, and I react badly to you because of my frustration. Im sorry that I cant be a better friend to you, all I do is struggle with myself and try to cut myself off from my feelings, and my depression and paranoia eclipse everything else. Im sorry.. i was unfair in saying 'no strings attached...' that would be my easy way out of this, if you said that you didnt need me in your life, dont you see then it would be simple? I would be able to carry throught the only solution that seems to make any sense anymore. Just jump off the moon and let the vast hole of space swallow me up.

You put too much respect into my not saying things.. The things I need to say most I can never form words for.

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[dbrose]

believe me when I say that I am way more confused.. I havent an idea whats going on. I wish my head wouldstop hurting so I could think and reply to you properly

You do know that I love you B? Just as much as i ever had, I think more of you than I would have deemed possible.. I love you, I wish I didnt keep making a mess of things.