wtf?
So, today I...woke up at 1:30 pm. No ill effects of the alcohol. that was nice. My bank card doesn't work for a second day in a row. It was bound to happen to me, it's happened to most of the other american teachers here. But, I took my last bank slip and translated the korean on it with a translator and yes, according to my last transaction I still had a little over 136,000 won (about 130 dollars) left in my account. So,. . . wtf.
So, I used my card to buy orange juice and some chips that said spicy but really weren't. like, weren't, at all.
Then I went and worked until about 11 pm. I graded all the rest of the midterms, and graded the level 4 papers and put their scores in the excel chart. I looked up some stuff online, and cut out all the things for my jungle theme, then I stuck all that stuff on the walls. I listened to two sojourn sermons. I thought about what I would do this week in my class. I listened to Christian music. I drank the orange juice and ate the chips. I organized my stuff and cut out more of the drawings my students made.
I also instant messaged a friend who asked me what I thought of homosexuality. I said I thought it was a sin, but that it shouldn't affect how you treat the person any more than it would someone who you knew was living with a boyfriend or looked at porn. Then she said she didn't think it was a sin anymore because one of her friends who was a christian said she was gay recently. I can see some other arguements but that one really bothers me. Be consistant. Don't just follow your feelings. Oh, it can't be wrong because this girl can't be wrong? No, bad arguement. And then that just homosexual action was wrong, but not being homosexual. can you really separate the two like that? I'm sorry if some of this offends you.
Another warning: rather copious amounts of cursing ahead...
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Ok, so yeah, and then I get back to my room shower, and I notice that my junk mail email is getting kind of full so I go to purge it. Well, there's this email that looks like it might be from a real person, and that happens sometimes. Once upon a time that was my regular email (years ago) and occasionally someone I knew in high school or something will try and say hi though it. And yeah, I saw the name michael, but it passed my brain so quickly, it never occurred to me. Yep. Old old ex-bf. He. emailed. me. AFTER FOUR AND A HALF FUCKING YEARS!!! *head table* He's an idiot. Doesn't he get that he does a mind fuck every time he sends me a god damned message? No, of course not, that would mean that all his shit might not be shit. But it is. I'm upset for several reasons. First I'm upset because he thinks he has a right to disturb my life. For Chris' sake, we didn't even date for a whole year. Second, I'm upset because I'm angry because, no, he doesn't have a right to contact me (he is now marked junk mail in the junk mail bin of my junk mail email so hopefully if he sends another I'll never notice. of course the next time i see that name I'll remember to not even open it. there was an attachment too. didn't look at that. didn't need to. am offended he sent me anything). Third, I'm upset because I didn't expect it. I didn't have a reason to expect it. I haven't talked to him in four an a half years and not counting the emails that he used to send me that pretty much traumatized me there has been no contact between us. Fourth, I'm upset because in this short inappropriate email he said he still loves me. I take that word very VERY seriously and I am SERIOUSLY offended that he would use it, esp now. when there is no chance in hell of actual love between us, esp since there never was to begin with. He's nearly 30 now. Doesn't he have a life? A girlfriend? A wife? Why the hell would he decide to email an extremely old girlfriend in obvious hopes of...something. I'd forgotten his tag. I'd forgotten his email. If I had remembered them I never would have opened the damned thing. is he still so stupid? I mean, that old relationship was...unhealthy, at times traumatic, immature. Yes, all those things. It had affection, it had physicallity, it had selfishness to an almost narcisistic point, and it had infatuation, possibly even obsession, but it did. not. have. love. and he was not a man. a male yes, but not a man. an imposter at best. See, now I've seen real men, known them. he didn't even hold a candle to them. Unbeleivable. Completely unbeleivable. I think I'm also upset because a part of me wanted to reply, wanted the possible absolution of getting to ask him why why WHY he was such a...is there even a word for what he was while he was dating me. Then I realized that I have a good life, and I'm a smart thoughful, friendly, attractive, kind, aware person who doesn't need absolution because I was a fool and he was a fool and I am no longer that though he obviously still is, and he doesn't deserve my reply. So, no reply. But I'm mat that the thought even occurred to me, because I'm better than that. part of me is incredulous and thinking 'what exactly is he thinking that he would do this' but another part of me doesn't want to know and understands it's imossible to know and he'd probably lie anyway, because that's what he was best at. and that was one of the many reasons why our relationship ended and why I have not contacted him.
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Cursing over
I wonder if he has an inkling of how much I've done since him. Lived in florida, got my own apartment, held down a job, graduated with a bachelor's and one class short of a certificate, made friends, went to therapy, stopped selfinjuring, learned to stand up for myself, learned to like myself a bit, learned to be discerning, got a lot more over my father, moved out from my family's home, got a REAL job (a career type job), made real and specific life goals, learned to flirt, started pursuing what I wanted, moved to the other side of the planet, learned another language (spanish), began learning a second 'nother language (korean), grew up. I am dramatically different, and he is part of an old me that I wish to only remember as a lesson of the mistakes that I made, not as some part of the past that won't let go. I honestly believe the past cannot hold us down. Why would he think I still harbored any attachment? So, so offensive.
Ironically I can't even recall a clear picture of what he looks like in my head. ha. and. ha.
Things I didn't accomplish today: Actually writing out my lesson plans for this week, cleaning my room, doing any laundry
Things to do tomorrow: use what is normally my work out time to make good lesson plans. Try and use my bank card again. Talk to mom on the phone. water paint a little. Hopefully get over the last of this cold and. cough. Clean room. do a load of laundry. Write a review of Wanted. Post photos to photobucket.
So, I used my card to buy orange juice and some chips that said spicy but really weren't. like, weren't, at all.
Then I went and worked until about 11 pm. I graded all the rest of the midterms, and graded the level 4 papers and put their scores in the excel chart. I looked up some stuff online, and cut out all the things for my jungle theme, then I stuck all that stuff on the walls. I listened to two sojourn sermons. I thought about what I would do this week in my class. I listened to Christian music. I drank the orange juice and ate the chips. I organized my stuff and cut out more of the drawings my students made.
I also instant messaged a friend who asked me what I thought of homosexuality. I said I thought it was a sin, but that it shouldn't affect how you treat the person any more than it would someone who you knew was living with a boyfriend or looked at porn. Then she said she didn't think it was a sin anymore because one of her friends who was a christian said she was gay recently. I can see some other arguements but that one really bothers me. Be consistant. Don't just follow your feelings. Oh, it can't be wrong because this girl can't be wrong? No, bad arguement. And then that just homosexual action was wrong, but not being homosexual. can you really separate the two like that? I'm sorry if some of this offends you.
Another warning: rather copious amounts of cursing ahead...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Ok, so yeah, and then I get back to my room shower, and I notice that my junk mail email is getting kind of full so I go to purge it. Well, there's this email that looks like it might be from a real person, and that happens sometimes. Once upon a time that was my regular email (years ago) and occasionally someone I knew in high school or something will try and say hi though it. And yeah, I saw the name michael, but it passed my brain so quickly, it never occurred to me. Yep. Old old ex-bf. He. emailed. me. AFTER FOUR AND A HALF FUCKING YEARS!!! *head table* He's an idiot. Doesn't he get that he does a mind fuck every time he sends me a god damned message? No, of course not, that would mean that all his shit might not be shit. But it is. I'm upset for several reasons. First I'm upset because he thinks he has a right to disturb my life. For Chris' sake, we didn't even date for a whole year. Second, I'm upset because I'm angry because, no, he doesn't have a right to contact me (he is now marked junk mail in the junk mail bin of my junk mail email so hopefully if he sends another I'll never notice. of course the next time i see that name I'll remember to not even open it. there was an attachment too. didn't look at that. didn't need to. am offended he sent me anything). Third, I'm upset because I didn't expect it. I didn't have a reason to expect it. I haven't talked to him in four an a half years and not counting the emails that he used to send me that pretty much traumatized me there has been no contact between us. Fourth, I'm upset because in this short inappropriate email he said he still loves me. I take that word very VERY seriously and I am SERIOUSLY offended that he would use it, esp now. when there is no chance in hell of actual love between us, esp since there never was to begin with. He's nearly 30 now. Doesn't he have a life? A girlfriend? A wife? Why the hell would he decide to email an extremely old girlfriend in obvious hopes of...something. I'd forgotten his tag. I'd forgotten his email. If I had remembered them I never would have opened the damned thing. is he still so stupid? I mean, that old relationship was...unhealthy, at times traumatic, immature. Yes, all those things. It had affection, it had physicallity, it had selfishness to an almost narcisistic point, and it had infatuation, possibly even obsession, but it did. not. have. love. and he was not a man. a male yes, but not a man. an imposter at best. See, now I've seen real men, known them. he didn't even hold a candle to them. Unbeleivable. Completely unbeleivable. I think I'm also upset because a part of me wanted to reply, wanted the possible absolution of getting to ask him why why WHY he was such a...is there even a word for what he was while he was dating me. Then I realized that I have a good life, and I'm a smart thoughful, friendly, attractive, kind, aware person who doesn't need absolution because I was a fool and he was a fool and I am no longer that though he obviously still is, and he doesn't deserve my reply. So, no reply. But I'm mat that the thought even occurred to me, because I'm better than that. part of me is incredulous and thinking 'what exactly is he thinking that he would do this' but another part of me doesn't want to know and understands it's imossible to know and he'd probably lie anyway, because that's what he was best at. and that was one of the many reasons why our relationship ended and why I have not contacted him.
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Cursing over
I wonder if he has an inkling of how much I've done since him. Lived in florida, got my own apartment, held down a job, graduated with a bachelor's and one class short of a certificate, made friends, went to therapy, stopped selfinjuring, learned to stand up for myself, learned to like myself a bit, learned to be discerning, got a lot more over my father, moved out from my family's home, got a REAL job (a career type job), made real and specific life goals, learned to flirt, started pursuing what I wanted, moved to the other side of the planet, learned another language (spanish), began learning a second 'nother language (korean), grew up. I am dramatically different, and he is part of an old me that I wish to only remember as a lesson of the mistakes that I made, not as some part of the past that won't let go. I honestly believe the past cannot hold us down. Why would he think I still harbored any attachment? So, so offensive.
Ironically I can't even recall a clear picture of what he looks like in my head. ha. and. ha.
Things I didn't accomplish today: Actually writing out my lesson plans for this week, cleaning my room, doing any laundry
Things to do tomorrow: use what is normally my work out time to make good lesson plans. Try and use my bank card again. Talk to mom on the phone. water paint a little. Hopefully get over the last of this cold and. cough. Clean room. do a load of laundry. Write a review of Wanted. Post photos to photobucket.