It always comes to an end
So, something happened today and I feel the need to talk about it.
I have/had a friend. A mutual friend of ours introduced us. We were both depressed at the same time and kept one another company. Sometimes I wold go over with other friends and we'd hang out at his place.
I called him Eyore because he always seemed to have a cloud over his head and the world going wrong around him.
After I graduated we continued to instant message. He doesn't have a lot of friends or a life and was online during my mornings and afternoons so we talked a bit. I just thought he was a friend.
Not necessarily a good friend. That is, he seemed to be the kind who would be there for you if you needed it, but not necessarily a good influence. He still hasn't gotten a proper job, and seems to always getting himself relationship woes. He's not motivated, not a deep thinker.
I was open with him, as I am with pretty much everyone. But, lately, I don't know, his conversation topics have been getting more...sexual (and he kept saying I was pretty, which was nice at first but then seemed to be unnecessary). Before it would be spurts, and then die down, but I was beginning to feel odd. So, I was like "dude, you realize this is all hypothetical for me, right? I barely get the logistics." I was trying to get him to back off, because at this point he was trying to get me to ask him personal sex questions and I wasn't going to do it (it was freaking bad enough that I entertained him at all regarding this but I thought it was harmless so long as the discussion was rather impersonal). So, then he started asking *me* (this is today) and I felt like this was really out of character. More like something some random guy from a yahoo chat room would ask than this friend. I had this dropping out feeling in the pit of my stomach, and tried to change the subject (to religion no less, I mean, I seriously tried to pick the most turn-offish subject possible). But no, he still asked the question I was hoping he wouldn't. He asked me if I would sleep with him.
Just shoot me.
I was like. Well, "you're not a Christian and you're not my husband...." and he was like "what if I was." and I said "well, if I married you than you wouldn' t be asking that question." and he said "if somehow you could do it, would you?" and at this point my heart was breaking becasue I was watching what I'd felt to be an innocent friendship taking a nosedive. I answered "no. you have character flaws that, while ok for a friend, are unacceptable in a lover."
I feel like a retard. I definately shouldn't have been so open with him, but I can't take that back now. I can only work to be much more guarded and less talky with him in the future. Should have known better.
Anywaaaaay.
The point of all this is, lately I've been learning a lot about myself, and what I'm capable of. I contribute this directly to the fact that I've been having regular Bible times.
I've realized a few things:
1. I am a pretty strong person deep down
2. I'm going to get my heart broken a million times over before I die so it's a good thing 1 is true.
3. 2 is ok because it's part of living and being transparent
4. I'm not very good at being vulnerable even though I'm quite good at being transparent
5. I am capable of loving.
6. I am capable of loving romanticly but that's not going to happen until I meet the one that God has for me. And, I will know when that is. And, it isn't right now.
7. There are good guys out there
8. I am capable of discerning character. I am quite discerning.
9. I need to act on what I discern more and stop questioning it. It's gotten me into trouble more than once.
10. There is a lot of sin in my life.
11. Luckily I am teachable and a work-in-progress
12. All people are works-in-progress
13. life is not good when you are dominated by your mind and life is not good when you are dominated by your emotions, a Happy Medium is always best.
14. I'm a gossip. And it needs to stop. Now.
15. There are very few things in this universe that I have a 'right' to. There are very few, if any, things in this universe that really belong to me. There are few unhappy things that should be taken as a 'slight' against me. While one can have legitimate reasons to be angry, legitimate reasons to be angry are few and far between.
16. If you do not suffer fools they will not suffer you when you are being a fool. Solution: learn to show mercy or become perfectly perfect in every way. Note: the former is much more easily accomplished.
17. There are some things worse than death. Wasting your life doing nothing in particular and feeling sorry for yourself is one of them.
18. To know someone an be known is really really fantastic, and also next to impossible.
right, that's all. I plan to try a 45 mintue jog in the morning, that is, if I wake up on time. wish me luck!
Later.
I have/had a friend. A mutual friend of ours introduced us. We were both depressed at the same time and kept one another company. Sometimes I wold go over with other friends and we'd hang out at his place.
I called him Eyore because he always seemed to have a cloud over his head and the world going wrong around him.
After I graduated we continued to instant message. He doesn't have a lot of friends or a life and was online during my mornings and afternoons so we talked a bit. I just thought he was a friend.
Not necessarily a good friend. That is, he seemed to be the kind who would be there for you if you needed it, but not necessarily a good influence. He still hasn't gotten a proper job, and seems to always getting himself relationship woes. He's not motivated, not a deep thinker.
I was open with him, as I am with pretty much everyone. But, lately, I don't know, his conversation topics have been getting more...sexual (and he kept saying I was pretty, which was nice at first but then seemed to be unnecessary). Before it would be spurts, and then die down, but I was beginning to feel odd. So, I was like "dude, you realize this is all hypothetical for me, right? I barely get the logistics." I was trying to get him to back off, because at this point he was trying to get me to ask him personal sex questions and I wasn't going to do it (it was freaking bad enough that I entertained him at all regarding this but I thought it was harmless so long as the discussion was rather impersonal). So, then he started asking *me* (this is today) and I felt like this was really out of character. More like something some random guy from a yahoo chat room would ask than this friend. I had this dropping out feeling in the pit of my stomach, and tried to change the subject (to religion no less, I mean, I seriously tried to pick the most turn-offish subject possible). But no, he still asked the question I was hoping he wouldn't. He asked me if I would sleep with him.
Just shoot me.
I was like. Well, "you're not a Christian and you're not my husband...." and he was like "what if I was." and I said "well, if I married you than you wouldn' t be asking that question." and he said "if somehow you could do it, would you?" and at this point my heart was breaking becasue I was watching what I'd felt to be an innocent friendship taking a nosedive. I answered "no. you have character flaws that, while ok for a friend, are unacceptable in a lover."
I feel like a retard. I definately shouldn't have been so open with him, but I can't take that back now. I can only work to be much more guarded and less talky with him in the future. Should have known better.
Anywaaaaay.
The point of all this is, lately I've been learning a lot about myself, and what I'm capable of. I contribute this directly to the fact that I've been having regular Bible times.
I've realized a few things:
1. I am a pretty strong person deep down
2. I'm going to get my heart broken a million times over before I die so it's a good thing 1 is true.
3. 2 is ok because it's part of living and being transparent
4. I'm not very good at being vulnerable even though I'm quite good at being transparent
5. I am capable of loving.
6. I am capable of loving romanticly but that's not going to happen until I meet the one that God has for me. And, I will know when that is. And, it isn't right now.
7. There are good guys out there
8. I am capable of discerning character. I am quite discerning.
9. I need to act on what I discern more and stop questioning it. It's gotten me into trouble more than once.
10. There is a lot of sin in my life.
11. Luckily I am teachable and a work-in-progress
12. All people are works-in-progress
13. life is not good when you are dominated by your mind and life is not good when you are dominated by your emotions, a Happy Medium is always best.
14. I'm a gossip. And it needs to stop. Now.
15. There are very few things in this universe that I have a 'right' to. There are very few, if any, things in this universe that really belong to me. There are few unhappy things that should be taken as a 'slight' against me. While one can have legitimate reasons to be angry, legitimate reasons to be angry are few and far between.
16. If you do not suffer fools they will not suffer you when you are being a fool. Solution: learn to show mercy or become perfectly perfect in every way. Note: the former is much more easily accomplished.
17. There are some things worse than death. Wasting your life doing nothing in particular and feeling sorry for yourself is one of them.
18. To know someone an be known is really really fantastic, and also next to impossible.
right, that's all. I plan to try a 45 mintue jog in the morning, that is, if I wake up on time. wish me luck!
Later.