hot flashes and insomnia
i find myself scanning my skin every morning for any signs of stretch marks. i really dont want stretch marks. i reallllllllllllllllly dont want stretch marks.
tomorrow is christmas eve. i'm so excited and i dont even know why. i wont be seeing my dad because hes in tallahassee with my step moms family (fuckers) and i wont be seeing my mom because my brother is there and he hates me still. so i'm just happy to have this new family of mine. they love me and accept me for who i am. and i love them. i cant remember anything about last christmas, or the christmas before that. fuck i cant rememeber anything about any christmas except for when i was little. but this christmas i have a feeling, will be remembered for the rest of my life. i've got a basketball hidden up my shirt...or maybe i'm just 31 weeks pregnant. isn't that CRAZY?
old boyfriends have been in contact. drunk and depressed. i want to reach out to them but what is the point. theres no going back. that was then...and i am a completely different person these days. how can i communicate with someone like that when they know me as who i was, not who i am now. i'm not that girl who gets all dolled up in her cute skirts and shoes, who can put on her liquid eyeliner in 1.5 seconds (even when shes drunk), who can dance all night long in a drunken fury, who can flirt and make out, who can smoke and do drugs when she can get her hands on something worth while. i'm just not that girl anymore. i never will be again. and i am completely ...well maybe not completely...yet, happy with that. i have something now that a lot of people dont ever get to have. for the first time during this whole fiasco, i am happy. it might just be the christmas season. i dont really know. all i really know is that its fucking christmas and i'm creating life.
tomorrow is christmas eve. i'm so excited and i dont even know why. i wont be seeing my dad because hes in tallahassee with my step moms family (fuckers) and i wont be seeing my mom because my brother is there and he hates me still. so i'm just happy to have this new family of mine. they love me and accept me for who i am. and i love them. i cant remember anything about last christmas, or the christmas before that. fuck i cant rememeber anything about any christmas except for when i was little. but this christmas i have a feeling, will be remembered for the rest of my life. i've got a basketball hidden up my shirt...or maybe i'm just 31 weeks pregnant. isn't that CRAZY?
old boyfriends have been in contact. drunk and depressed. i want to reach out to them but what is the point. theres no going back. that was then...and i am a completely different person these days. how can i communicate with someone like that when they know me as who i was, not who i am now. i'm not that girl who gets all dolled up in her cute skirts and shoes, who can put on her liquid eyeliner in 1.5 seconds (even when shes drunk), who can dance all night long in a drunken fury, who can flirt and make out, who can smoke and do drugs when she can get her hands on something worth while. i'm just not that girl anymore. i never will be again. and i am completely ...well maybe not completely...yet, happy with that. i have something now that a lot of people dont ever get to have. for the first time during this whole fiasco, i am happy. it might just be the christmas season. i dont really know. all i really know is that its fucking christmas and i'm creating life.