Major rantage
There have been several things I could have posted about since my last post about a month ago but this post is just going to be one long rant I think because I need to scream and shout and get a few things off my chest. If you don't want to read it that's fine, if you do want to read it that's also fine. I'll leave comments on but I'm not specifically looking for comments.
Here goes:
- There are so many things I'm annoyed at right now I don't even know where to start. I don't think there's any specific order either in terms of what is most annoying me, but when I start to get annoyed with life it's always the little things that seem to get me the most frustrated.
- I need to lose weight. I actually have a proper flabby stomach now and I hate it. I'm not necessarily eating all that much junk food but I'm still eating too much pasta and rice and bread based foods and too late on in the evenings. I've never been one for having dinner at like 6pm and then not eating for the rest of the evening, but having a big plate of pasta at 8.30-9pm isn't exactly going to help matters. Especially when I'm not doing anything like enough exercise. I like my food and I don't have to stop eating in order to lose weight, I just need to think before I eat, and learn to plan a bit better. Ultimately it'll make me feel better physically and mentally. I can't afoord to eat too much of the wrong food because otherwise my arthritis will flare up and I couldn't cope with that.
- I need to find musicians to record for my course project. I could team up with one of the others but I don't feel I'll learn as much that way so I would rather do the project on my own. In order to be capable of doing that though, I need to have got enough practice recording sessions in over the next few weeks. I'm getting a couple of hours in a week at the moment with the other girl in the group, but it's not enough time and she doesn't seem to be as bothered about putting the effort in as I am. I'm always the one suggesting the next session but there's only so much we can do with one guitar. She knows other musicians but I don't know if they'd be willing to come in and just muck around while we tried recording them. I've tried contacting one of my musician friends in Manchester but had no response. I know where he works (one of the local schools) so I'm almost tempted to go down there one day and speak to him in person. I've paid a lot for this course and I want to make a good job of it. I want to learn and I want to put the hours in, but I feel like I'm having to drag others along with me rather than them coming willingly.
- I've come to the conclusion I've been a pretty shit friend over the last few months to all my uni mates too. I've barely spoken to anyone since we all graduated in the summer and that's terrible. I know we've all gone our separate ways now, but that's no excuse. Granted no-one has really tried contacting me to say hi but that's not the point. This is where my independence works against me. I've always been independent but there's a difference between being independent and being isolated and alone. I might not need to be constantly attatched to a group of friends but having a network of friends to share things with and to talk to and to support you is vital. This is a difficult thing to try and verbalise, but I think in many ways I'm caught in a bit of a vicious circle. I don't necessarily talk to people and socialise all the time because I've always been capable of occupying myself, but then because I'm doing my own thing and others see me as independent, they don't always invite me to be a part of whatever the group is doing. It's like I'm the one everyone turns to for advice, but nothing else. Don't get me wrong, I love helping people out and I always have time to sit and listen to friends and give advice where needed, but it would be nice for the other aspects of me to be appreciated too. Thankfully I do have some wonderful friends who appreciate me for being me, and to them I am eternally grateful.
- I have mamaged to be caught be yet another speed camera. My driving license still hasn't come back from the last one yet so this is now twice in as many months! At the end of it all I'll have 9 points and that's dangerous territory. I don't intentionally speed but equally when I know that 99% of the other drivers on the road (and especially the motorway) are also going to be doing in excess of the speed limit it's very easy just to go those few extra miles an hour. I'm not dangerous and I don't speed through built up areas like a reckless boy/girl racer but yes, if I'm running late on the way somewhere then I might put my foot down a little on a motorway or dual carriageway. I know if I go over the speed limit then I only have myself to blame if I get flashed, but in a way it also feels a little unfair. Driving, and being in my car has always been a haven for me. My car is my space. I can do what I want, I can turn my music up loudly, I can sing, I'm always doing something productive because I'm going from A to B, and I'm being grown up and independent in driving myself places etc. The thought of having that haven taken away from me even temporarily is not a pleasant one, even if it would be entirely my fault. It would also be very embarrassing because my brother also has 9 points on his license, but has been driving for 12 years, and I've always been the sensible one out of the two of us both driving and in general. Looks like I'm just going to have to watch my speed from now on and leave a few extra minutes for my journeys.
- Just to contradict some of what I've just said, there is part of me that is fed up with being sensible. I've always been the sensible, mature one out of my family and friends and there are times when I just want to doing something stupid and reckless for the sake of it. I want to go and over exercise and push my body to the limit just to prove a point to myself, or work myself into the ground, or stay up all night, or go and drive somewhere completely random and do something spontaneous. I want to scream and shout and punch and kick something very hard, but I have responsibilities, and I have way too much money going and out and barely any coming in. I also have to regain my discipline. If I just did an extra couple of jobs every day I wouldn't have reason to doubt myself or get so angry with myself.
Believe it or not after all of the above, I do feel like my life is slowly beginning to come together, but I still have these moments of anger and depression. It's probably a hint that I should stop being so proud and stubborn and go and get some counselling, that is about 8 years overdue, but in all honesty I can't see that happening in the near future.
I've thought of other things I could rant about but I don't think I have the energy, and there are other things I want to do now. I've ranted about the main things that are annoying me right now, so I just need to go and do some of those odd jobs that will make me feel more accomplished. It's over an hour since I started this post anyway, so it's time to do something else with my evening.
If you've read all this - thank you and congratulations!
Here goes:
- There are so many things I'm annoyed at right now I don't even know where to start. I don't think there's any specific order either in terms of what is most annoying me, but when I start to get annoyed with life it's always the little things that seem to get me the most frustrated.
- I need to lose weight. I actually have a proper flabby stomach now and I hate it. I'm not necessarily eating all that much junk food but I'm still eating too much pasta and rice and bread based foods and too late on in the evenings. I've never been one for having dinner at like 6pm and then not eating for the rest of the evening, but having a big plate of pasta at 8.30-9pm isn't exactly going to help matters. Especially when I'm not doing anything like enough exercise. I like my food and I don't have to stop eating in order to lose weight, I just need to think before I eat, and learn to plan a bit better. Ultimately it'll make me feel better physically and mentally. I can't afoord to eat too much of the wrong food because otherwise my arthritis will flare up and I couldn't cope with that.
- I need to find musicians to record for my course project. I could team up with one of the others but I don't feel I'll learn as much that way so I would rather do the project on my own. In order to be capable of doing that though, I need to have got enough practice recording sessions in over the next few weeks. I'm getting a couple of hours in a week at the moment with the other girl in the group, but it's not enough time and she doesn't seem to be as bothered about putting the effort in as I am. I'm always the one suggesting the next session but there's only so much we can do with one guitar. She knows other musicians but I don't know if they'd be willing to come in and just muck around while we tried recording them. I've tried contacting one of my musician friends in Manchester but had no response. I know where he works (one of the local schools) so I'm almost tempted to go down there one day and speak to him in person. I've paid a lot for this course and I want to make a good job of it. I want to learn and I want to put the hours in, but I feel like I'm having to drag others along with me rather than them coming willingly.
- I've come to the conclusion I've been a pretty shit friend over the last few months to all my uni mates too. I've barely spoken to anyone since we all graduated in the summer and that's terrible. I know we've all gone our separate ways now, but that's no excuse. Granted no-one has really tried contacting me to say hi but that's not the point. This is where my independence works against me. I've always been independent but there's a difference between being independent and being isolated and alone. I might not need to be constantly attatched to a group of friends but having a network of friends to share things with and to talk to and to support you is vital. This is a difficult thing to try and verbalise, but I think in many ways I'm caught in a bit of a vicious circle. I don't necessarily talk to people and socialise all the time because I've always been capable of occupying myself, but then because I'm doing my own thing and others see me as independent, they don't always invite me to be a part of whatever the group is doing. It's like I'm the one everyone turns to for advice, but nothing else. Don't get me wrong, I love helping people out and I always have time to sit and listen to friends and give advice where needed, but it would be nice for the other aspects of me to be appreciated too. Thankfully I do have some wonderful friends who appreciate me for being me, and to them I am eternally grateful.
- I have mamaged to be caught be yet another speed camera. My driving license still hasn't come back from the last one yet so this is now twice in as many months! At the end of it all I'll have 9 points and that's dangerous territory. I don't intentionally speed but equally when I know that 99% of the other drivers on the road (and especially the motorway) are also going to be doing in excess of the speed limit it's very easy just to go those few extra miles an hour. I'm not dangerous and I don't speed through built up areas like a reckless boy/girl racer but yes, if I'm running late on the way somewhere then I might put my foot down a little on a motorway or dual carriageway. I know if I go over the speed limit then I only have myself to blame if I get flashed, but in a way it also feels a little unfair. Driving, and being in my car has always been a haven for me. My car is my space. I can do what I want, I can turn my music up loudly, I can sing, I'm always doing something productive because I'm going from A to B, and I'm being grown up and independent in driving myself places etc. The thought of having that haven taken away from me even temporarily is not a pleasant one, even if it would be entirely my fault. It would also be very embarrassing because my brother also has 9 points on his license, but has been driving for 12 years, and I've always been the sensible one out of the two of us both driving and in general. Looks like I'm just going to have to watch my speed from now on and leave a few extra minutes for my journeys.
- Just to contradict some of what I've just said, there is part of me that is fed up with being sensible. I've always been the sensible, mature one out of my family and friends and there are times when I just want to doing something stupid and reckless for the sake of it. I want to go and over exercise and push my body to the limit just to prove a point to myself, or work myself into the ground, or stay up all night, or go and drive somewhere completely random and do something spontaneous. I want to scream and shout and punch and kick something very hard, but I have responsibilities, and I have way too much money going and out and barely any coming in. I also have to regain my discipline. If I just did an extra couple of jobs every day I wouldn't have reason to doubt myself or get so angry with myself.
Believe it or not after all of the above, I do feel like my life is slowly beginning to come together, but I still have these moments of anger and depression. It's probably a hint that I should stop being so proud and stubborn and go and get some counselling, that is about 8 years overdue, but in all honesty I can't see that happening in the near future.
I've thought of other things I could rant about but I don't think I have the energy, and there are other things I want to do now. I've ranted about the main things that are annoying me right now, so I just need to go and do some of those odd jobs that will make me feel more accomplished. It's over an hour since I started this post anyway, so it's time to do something else with my evening.
If you've read all this - thank you and congratulations!