Been a while
I’ve been meaning to write an update for a few months now but for whatever reason the same thing always seems to happen. The same thing that’s happening right now I end up staring at a blank page or thinking up something else to do instead, I don’t know why it seems to be so difficult to write lately, or to really express some of my thoughts or feelings but it does, not just in this journal but in general.
It just feels like recently there is so much going on in my head I don’t know where to start and even if I did it’s so hard to keep a single train of thought that before I know it I am back to multitasking or buried under so many different thoughts on different things I feel like I’m being overwhelmed so I go looking for something else to do. So I guess I will start at the beginning.
I moved to California last August, I’m not sure what I was expecting not to say that I am disappointed now or anything, just that really I hadn’t put much thought into it. I pretty much had arranged for an apartment and little else… I had a couple of job leads that turned out in the end to be dead ends and a lot of “we like this but with the economy we are not hiring any new people”. I pretty much just packed a bag and bought a plane ticket and left everything else behind.
I’m not thinking this way because I regret my decision or anything of the sort, while things have not been perfect I can’t complain much about life here. I have a place to live, granted its not a beach house but it could certainly be a lot worse. I have a job though I find it hopelessly demeaning and am reminded everyday how over qualified I am and am forced to bite my tongue from telling my superiors how I can do any one of their jobs more effectively and cheaper then them… but in this economy who doesn’t feel like that? It pays enough to pay my bills and usually have a little left over to eat and live comfortably even if not lavishly.
I can’t decide if it is a step up or down from my writing job which I enjoyed but was forced to dip into savings or sell possessions every month to try and cover the shortfall of money coming in compared to what needed to go out.
I think it was November that Ashley moved in, we have had a couple bumps in the road but I’m happy and we are doing well I think. I know that no relationship can be perfect and the transition to what we were into a real relationship rather then something where I saw her once a year has probably given us some unique problems I really do love her even if I find it difficult to express sometimes.
I guess that brings me to where I am now, over the last couple of months I feel increasingly torn, pulled in multiple directions. It feels like since I have moved things in Maine and for my family have gotten increasingly worse, and as much as I want to go back and try and fix it I feel like leaving here would be a mistake or that if I go back I wouldn’t ever get away again. It weighs on me like nothing I can remember and feels like no matter what I do there is this tremendous weight on my shoulders. No matter what I do I feel like I am letting someone down…
My life would be so much easier if I hated all my family or if I had been horribly abused as a child or something and only had to look out for myself. Unfortunately though I still maintain some type of commitment and feeling of responsibility for some of them and can’t help but feal some kind of abandonment no matter what I do now.
So for now I just go on one day at a time, watching the clock and holding my tongue at work waiting for the next fight to break out or fire to start so I have something to do so I don’t have to think and have something else to focus on. The really poetic part is this seems to make me stand out somehow at work and even though I find the entire job pathetic and the field I said I would never work in from all outward appearances I seem to be thriving at it. I’m somehow the defacto person when it comes to training new officers, I get along with most everyone there and have pretty quickly gained the trust and respect of everyone. A couple of the other officers have gone as far to say that when something does happen they feel like I’m the only person who they can count on to have their back. Even hating the job it’s hard not to be a little moved by that when someone tells you that you’re the only person they trust to be there when they have to call for help.
It’s odd, that you can excel in something without actually trying, the average day I don’t want to be there, and am counting the minutes until I leave but that’s somehow not noticed and instead of being like everyone else and hoping for a routine quiet day I anxiously await the next incident because it makes the day go by faster… even if when I get home I am exhausted and more often than not in pain (not just because I have to figure out how to get blood stains out of my white uniform). It seems that somehow I give off the image that I’m actually trying… but that would be my luck, excelling in something I hate.
What else is new… I have all but quit RPing online, and really I’m not that disappointed really and if anything it’s a bit of a relief when I look back at all the time and effort I have put into these games and more or less gotten no thanks and certainly made no money for my efforts. I briefly tried to get a TT game together but it doesn’t seem like that was going to happen so I am slowly but surely finding other ways to occupy what spare time I have.
Anyway it’s getting late and I have to work early so I think this is enough for tonight.
It just feels like recently there is so much going on in my head I don’t know where to start and even if I did it’s so hard to keep a single train of thought that before I know it I am back to multitasking or buried under so many different thoughts on different things I feel like I’m being overwhelmed so I go looking for something else to do. So I guess I will start at the beginning.
I moved to California last August, I’m not sure what I was expecting not to say that I am disappointed now or anything, just that really I hadn’t put much thought into it. I pretty much had arranged for an apartment and little else… I had a couple of job leads that turned out in the end to be dead ends and a lot of “we like this but with the economy we are not hiring any new people”. I pretty much just packed a bag and bought a plane ticket and left everything else behind.
I’m not thinking this way because I regret my decision or anything of the sort, while things have not been perfect I can’t complain much about life here. I have a place to live, granted its not a beach house but it could certainly be a lot worse. I have a job though I find it hopelessly demeaning and am reminded everyday how over qualified I am and am forced to bite my tongue from telling my superiors how I can do any one of their jobs more effectively and cheaper then them… but in this economy who doesn’t feel like that? It pays enough to pay my bills and usually have a little left over to eat and live comfortably even if not lavishly.
I can’t decide if it is a step up or down from my writing job which I enjoyed but was forced to dip into savings or sell possessions every month to try and cover the shortfall of money coming in compared to what needed to go out.
I think it was November that Ashley moved in, we have had a couple bumps in the road but I’m happy and we are doing well I think. I know that no relationship can be perfect and the transition to what we were into a real relationship rather then something where I saw her once a year has probably given us some unique problems I really do love her even if I find it difficult to express sometimes.
I guess that brings me to where I am now, over the last couple of months I feel increasingly torn, pulled in multiple directions. It feels like since I have moved things in Maine and for my family have gotten increasingly worse, and as much as I want to go back and try and fix it I feel like leaving here would be a mistake or that if I go back I wouldn’t ever get away again. It weighs on me like nothing I can remember and feels like no matter what I do there is this tremendous weight on my shoulders. No matter what I do I feel like I am letting someone down…
My life would be so much easier if I hated all my family or if I had been horribly abused as a child or something and only had to look out for myself. Unfortunately though I still maintain some type of commitment and feeling of responsibility for some of them and can’t help but feal some kind of abandonment no matter what I do now.
So for now I just go on one day at a time, watching the clock and holding my tongue at work waiting for the next fight to break out or fire to start so I have something to do so I don’t have to think and have something else to focus on. The really poetic part is this seems to make me stand out somehow at work and even though I find the entire job pathetic and the field I said I would never work in from all outward appearances I seem to be thriving at it. I’m somehow the defacto person when it comes to training new officers, I get along with most everyone there and have pretty quickly gained the trust and respect of everyone. A couple of the other officers have gone as far to say that when something does happen they feel like I’m the only person who they can count on to have their back. Even hating the job it’s hard not to be a little moved by that when someone tells you that you’re the only person they trust to be there when they have to call for help.
It’s odd, that you can excel in something without actually trying, the average day I don’t want to be there, and am counting the minutes until I leave but that’s somehow not noticed and instead of being like everyone else and hoping for a routine quiet day I anxiously await the next incident because it makes the day go by faster… even if when I get home I am exhausted and more often than not in pain (not just because I have to figure out how to get blood stains out of my white uniform). It seems that somehow I give off the image that I’m actually trying… but that would be my luck, excelling in something I hate.
What else is new… I have all but quit RPing online, and really I’m not that disappointed really and if anything it’s a bit of a relief when I look back at all the time and effort I have put into these games and more or less gotten no thanks and certainly made no money for my efforts. I briefly tried to get a TT game together but it doesn’t seem like that was going to happen so I am slowly but surely finding other ways to occupy what spare time I have.
Anyway it’s getting late and I have to work early so I think this is enough for tonight.