I've been keeping a secret
I'm not entirely sure why I've been keeping it a secret...
I've always been terrible at keeping secrets, *provided* they involved me. Like most everyone else, I like attention, and I've been generally unable in my life to keep a secret, especially from people I like. I get excited about the [thing] and I want the people in my life to be excited with and for me too.
Sometimes the secret needed to be kept, cause it was an 'in-game' secret. So I'd track down a friend (usually poor Fergal) and tell him all of what was going on in DnD game x, or Stargate game y, just so I could tell *someone* what was going on, and not tell it to someone who was involved. And Fergal (awesome friend that he is) would listen and make generally emphatic noises.
In the case of this secret, I had decided to keep it from 'people in Ireland' or connected to it, which includes my brother and grandparents (who are in Canada). I've told a few people here, as I *had* to tell someone...
My Mum called today. Haven't spoken to her since February, or thereabouts, which I'm pretty ok with. I don't get why she calls. She seems to have very little interest in my life, and I get the impression that she calls because she feels she has some obligation to act as if she has an interest in her first-born's life.
So in the midst of all the mmm-hms and 'that's nice's and 'sounds good', I told her my secret. Possibly because (for me, anyway) it's so huge that I *had* to tell her. Probably because I wanted to shake some sort of non-bland response out of her.
And I'm now terribly disappointed that I broke my promise to myself and told her.
Arguably, I could continue to keep this ex-secret. But *I* want to be the one to tell people. My mum will certainly tell my family, and Chris/Joe are certainly in contact with people in Ireland (especially as Joe is still in Ireland). And while I suspect that the information won't travel quickly, the whole joy of the secret is now gone, as I *know* it'll slowly leech out across the world. The impact is gone, or at least it feels as if it's gone. Which amounts to the same thing.
No, I'm not gay. (shall we do a poll to see who thought I was leading up to that? :P )
Part of the whole set up for this is that I was going to LJ this secret. At (roughly) 4pm GMT, on the 20th of December, I was going to simply post:
"If anyone needs me, I'll be in Tokyo"
Yup. I'm going to Japan. For two whole weeks (until the 4th of January). It's going to be freaking awesome.
I have enrolled in a 2nd Japanese course in UBC. It's going to wrap up, I'm going to have a 2 week break (for finals), and then I'm going to fly West across the Pacific Ocean to Tokyo.
I'll be staying at Aya's house for 5 days, then I'll be in a hotel in downtown Tokyo. Flights are booked & paid for, as is the hotel.
I applied for a student line of credit a few months ago, and it was approved. This has given me $10k to play with. (suck the groans back in, people, I'm not being dumb about this... ;) )
I have calculated my income over working 2 days a week over 5 months. I then calculated for 3 days/week for July/Sept/Oct/Nov and 5 days/week in Aug. This amounts to 28 extra days work over that time period. At $110 (after tax, approx) per day, that nets me $3080 above my normal (which pays for rent/food/some beer/etc). Nevermind that I'm anticipating a couple of small pay rises shortly.
So I have used the line of credit (pay by credit card, pay off CC with line of credit) to pay for the hotel and flight *now*, before prices spiral to ridiculous heights, and will pay (am paying) off the line of credit over the next few months. As it's a student line of credit, I only have to pay off the interest each month (and not the principle), and the interest is about half that of a credit card. I *am* paying off the principle too, though.
Why did I keep this secret from peoples in Europe?
I'm not sure. I think that I wanted a secret, for once, rather than telling everyone the moment I thought of it. I suspect that I fear some of ye will disapprove, either because of the money involved (Brian's a poor student, right? :P ), or that some may think I'm doing this for dumb reasons (ie because I want to see Aya). And there's a fair point that if I can afford to travel to Japan, I can afford to travel to Ireland.
I think I've addressed the money sufficiently.
I've been to Ireland. To a large degree: been there, done that. I still don't want to return to Ireland. I don't miss Ireland at all, though I do miss some places (none of which are 'Dublin'). I do miss some people, but not in the way that I see other people miss people who are close to them. Not in the way that I miss Aya.
Am I doing this because I want to see Aya?
Absolutely.
Is that the sole reason for doing this?
Absolutely not. It is a reasonably large-sized reason though.
To address (entirely fair) concerns regarding self-delusion:
I know that Aya has no interest in me, beyond friendship. I know that.
However, this is where hope rears it's ugly head, alongside my need/ability to categorise things: Canada-Aya is not the same as Japan-Aya. Aya hasn't seen me for almost 6 months now. I talk to her on the phone every couple of weeks, and she tells me that she misses me. Japan-Aya is not surrounded by people who don't speak her language; she's in an entirely different social context. The hope (that needs quashing, and can only be quashed by Aya, all the volunteers can sit back down now...) is that if we are both in a different social context, and having been separated for 10 months (by the end of December), Aya will either be in a different place than before, or see me in a different light, and want more than friendship from me.
Is this entirely foolish?
YES!!!
Frankly: so what? I cannot simply will this delusion away, I want it to be true far too much. The only cure for this is a healthy dose of reality. So long as there is doubt, there is room for hope. And this particular hope is unhealthy.
Aya knows how I feel. I am quite convinced that she doesn't feel the same way towards me.
So that would be one large piece of my interest in going to Japan.
The rest?
I've wanted to go to Japan for years. I could never afford to go while I lived in Ireland. My work was too sporadic, I never made any effort to learn Japanese (which, granted, was a barrier to neither Conor nor Gareth). I've wanted to visit Hiroshima for years, to visit ground zero, and to see Tokyo. Kyoto seems beautiful (and is home to the Kyoto School of Philosophy). And so on. This trip is not solely motivated by Aya. (protesting too much? Possibly, but I consciously believe that that's not the case)
Anywho. Such is the situation laid out.