What I do want: a complete cessation of contact and a lack of any ties between my mother and myself.
Given the hassle/stress that would cause the rest of my family, I can't have that.
Other than that: I don't want 'stuff'. 'Stuff' does not make, and has never made, me happy. If I want a book, I'll go to the library. If I want a movie, I'll either download it or rent it. If I want music, I'll download it or rip it. I don't want people to spend money on things that are free.
In previous years, she'd ask for a list of things that I was interested in. She hasn't asked in a while, and still appears to be operating off of the old lists. I had hoped that the added postage to Canada would have discouraged her from the whole buying presents thing, but that's apparently not the case.
The only things I want in my life, the only 'things' that give me any satisfaction: being around people I care about. spending time with a woman I care deeply for. Cuddling.
And that's it. I glean no pleasure from receiving gifts of any sort, bar the kind that took more effort than wandering into a bookstore. Right now, I *really* need a new motherboard/CPU/RAM so I could have a working PC, but if that was both for me the most I'd feel is marginally grateful that I don't have to deal with the inconvenience of a shared computer anymore.....
I'm not familiar with your situation, so any advice I give can only be general at best. It seems to me that you're creating a lot of stress on yourself with how you are currently handling things.
Odds are your mum will continue to buy and send you presents. If you don't want her to, simply tell her. If this causes problems, remember that it's not a reflection on you, but rather that your mum is lacking something and instead of dealing with her own issues, she is using this as a means of distracting herself. If things are bad enough between you that you want no contact at all, then would it really be so bad to go through a brief encounter in which she becomes upset, as opposed to what you're doing to yourself at the moment?
If I take an action, and people react in a set fashion, of which I am aware of before I take that action, the responsibility for the ultimate repercussions is mine.
Setting wheels in motion, then washing my hands of it and claiming 'well, they could have chose differently (assuming it's possible for them to act against their nature), not my problem' is a pretty strong definition of irresponsibility.
To do something, and only accept responsibility for the *immediate* consequences is to disregard the notion of cause and effect.
Agreed. But your responsibility can only go so far. Your first and foremost responsibility is to your own wellbeing. If you suffer continually, then any good you can do for yourself or for others will be diminished.
Frankly, holding on to anything negative in your life, even if you're doing it to avoid causing other problems, is unhealthy and should be avoided. How many of us have heard stories of unhappy marriages, held together "for the sake of the children" which end up causing more harm than good in the long-term.
Your family should care more than you're happy than that you'll maintain false pretenses. If they don't, well, most people know my own views on family. Love and respect, in my opinion, are not things to be assumed simply because you're related.
However, it sounds like you have very little contact with your mum all in all anyway. I imagine the odds are slim she'll make many visits to Canada, and your chances of moving back to Ireland seem slim. Does she need to know if you pass on gifts she's given you?
Given the hassle/stress that would cause the rest of my family, I can't have that.
Other than that: I don't want 'stuff'. 'Stuff' does not make, and has never made, me happy. If I want a book, I'll go to the library. If I want a movie, I'll either download it or rent it. If I want music, I'll download it or rip it. I don't want people to spend money on things that are free.
In previous years, she'd ask for a list of things that I was interested in. She hasn't asked in a while, and still appears to be operating off of the old lists. I had hoped that the added postage to Canada would have discouraged her from the whole buying presents thing, but that's apparently not the case.
The only things I want in my life, the only 'things' that give me any satisfaction: being around people I care about. spending time with a woman I care deeply for. Cuddling.
And that's it. I glean no pleasure from receiving gifts of any sort, bar the kind that took more effort than wandering into a bookstore. Right now, I *really* need a new motherboard/CPU/RAM so I could have a working PC, but if that was both for me the most I'd feel is marginally grateful that I don't have to deal with the inconvenience of a shared computer anymore.....
Objects do not make Brian happy.
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Odds are your mum will continue to buy and send you presents. If you don't want her to, simply tell her. If this causes problems, remember that it's not a reflection on you, but rather that your mum is lacking something and instead of dealing with her own issues, she is using this as a means of distracting herself. If things are bad enough between you that you want no contact at all, then would it really be so bad to go through a brief encounter in which she becomes upset, as opposed to what you're doing to yourself at the moment?
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This is largely not an option due to the stress it'll inflict upon the rest of my family.
What I'm trying to avoid, by and large, isn't whether or not I have to listen to her whine.
I mean, I have zero issues with simply hanging up if she calls.
The issues at stake are the repercussions for the rest of my family who will have to continue to deal with her....
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If I take an action, and people react in a set fashion, of which I am aware of before I take that action, the responsibility for the ultimate repercussions is mine.
Setting wheels in motion, then washing my hands of it and claiming 'well, they could have chose differently (assuming it's possible for them to act against their nature), not my problem' is a pretty strong definition of irresponsibility.
To do something, and only accept responsibility for the *immediate* consequences is to disregard the notion of cause and effect.
Reply
Frankly, holding on to anything negative in your life, even if you're doing it to avoid causing other problems, is unhealthy and should be avoided. How many of us have heard stories of unhappy marriages, held together "for the sake of the children" which end up causing more harm than good in the long-term.
Your family should care more than you're happy than that you'll maintain false pretenses. If they don't, well, most people know my own views on family. Love and respect, in my opinion, are not things to be assumed simply because you're related.
However, it sounds like you have very little contact with your mum all in all anyway. I imagine the odds are slim she'll make many visits to Canada, and your chances of moving back to Ireland seem slim. Does she need to know if you pass on gifts she's given you?
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