It's the end of the world as we know it!
So, you may or may not know that 2011 pretty well sucked shit for me for the vast majority of the time. I lost two very dear friends who I cared about very deeply early in the year... and it only went downhill from there. I watched something that I believed in and had given my soul (and very nearly my life) to crumble around my ears and barely got out with my sanity. I let myself be led around by the nose by someone I had a tremendous amount of respect for, and I'm still struggling with the realization that this person was never sincere in anything they claimed.
I almost flunked out of college twice. I was diagnosed with severely high blood pressure and an enlarged left ventricle that leaves me breathless and suffering from chest pains on a fairly regular basis. All of the personal writing challenges that I set for myself, and all of the community writing challenges that I signed up for, were abysmal failures - only one challenge that I started was actually completed successfully, and one other was almost finished but my computer ate the story before I posted it.
People that I had considered close, true friends turned out to see me as nothing more than a means they could use to get what they wanted. I allowed myself to be manipulated to the point that I doubted my own emotions, feelings, and mental stability. I found myself getting sucked into emotionally painful subjects and confrontations on an almost daily basis, and for some reason that I still don't understand, I thought this was making me a better person (rather than the constantly bitter, angry, exhausted person that I actually was). I've lost all love for a show that sustained me through some incredibly difficult times because it became too closely associated with everything that went wrong in my life, and I can't separate them anymore.
Long story short - I lost a hell of a lot last year, and very nearly lost my entire self in the process.
Some good things did happen along the way. Even though I came close to flunking out, my advisor worked very closely with me to get me back on track in school, and now I'm on track to graduate in September. After having spent two years homeless and living in relatives' basements, my husband and I took our kids and moved into our own house. We got ourselves back on our feet, got our family life under control, and in the months since April have not only managed to maintain our independence but have taken the extra step of buying a home of our own.
I survived the summer almost solely because of the support of six of the closest friends I have ever or will ever have, who - ironically - I'd never have met if I hadn't put myself in the situation that almost killed me in the first place. They pulled me out, and they held me up afterwards, and for that, I can never repay them.
I survived myself at the insistence of an incredible friend who I can finally admit that I love tremendously (fear of being thrown aside again notwithstanding, because no matter what might happen in the future, having
switch842 in my life is worth it).
I've rediscovered a deep love for another show, one that I've been finding solace and comfort in for years, and I'm both writing and vidding again - two things that I'd started to fear I'd lost all interest in doing.
So this is my new year, and the new me - a me that's a whole hell of a lot closer to who I actually am than it is to who I've been for the past 12 months. And in a weird way, despite all of the bullshit that I had to go through to achieve it, I'm actually happy to be here.
This entry was originally posted at http://brihana25.dreamwidth.org/195751.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
I almost flunked out of college twice. I was diagnosed with severely high blood pressure and an enlarged left ventricle that leaves me breathless and suffering from chest pains on a fairly regular basis. All of the personal writing challenges that I set for myself, and all of the community writing challenges that I signed up for, were abysmal failures - only one challenge that I started was actually completed successfully, and one other was almost finished but my computer ate the story before I posted it.
People that I had considered close, true friends turned out to see me as nothing more than a means they could use to get what they wanted. I allowed myself to be manipulated to the point that I doubted my own emotions, feelings, and mental stability. I found myself getting sucked into emotionally painful subjects and confrontations on an almost daily basis, and for some reason that I still don't understand, I thought this was making me a better person (rather than the constantly bitter, angry, exhausted person that I actually was). I've lost all love for a show that sustained me through some incredibly difficult times because it became too closely associated with everything that went wrong in my life, and I can't separate them anymore.
Long story short - I lost a hell of a lot last year, and very nearly lost my entire self in the process.
Some good things did happen along the way. Even though I came close to flunking out, my advisor worked very closely with me to get me back on track in school, and now I'm on track to graduate in September. After having spent two years homeless and living in relatives' basements, my husband and I took our kids and moved into our own house. We got ourselves back on our feet, got our family life under control, and in the months since April have not only managed to maintain our independence but have taken the extra step of buying a home of our own.
I survived the summer almost solely because of the support of six of the closest friends I have ever or will ever have, who - ironically - I'd never have met if I hadn't put myself in the situation that almost killed me in the first place. They pulled me out, and they held me up afterwards, and for that, I can never repay them.
I survived myself at the insistence of an incredible friend who I can finally admit that I love tremendously (fear of being thrown aside again notwithstanding, because no matter what might happen in the future, having
switch842 in my life is worth it).
I've rediscovered a deep love for another show, one that I've been finding solace and comfort in for years, and I'm both writing and vidding again - two things that I'd started to fear I'd lost all interest in doing.
So this is my new year, and the new me - a me that's a whole hell of a lot closer to who I actually am than it is to who I've been for the past 12 months. And in a weird way, despite all of the bullshit that I had to go through to achieve it, I'm actually happy to be here.
This entry was originally posted at http://brihana25.dreamwidth.org/195751.html. Please comment there using OpenID.