what the fuck?
Im out here in oklahoma now and not sure what to do. Seems as if my life is falling apart. Since ive been here ive have my heart broken twice and almost died once. And i hurt the one person i truly care about the most, badly. I wanna tell him im sorry but how do you apologize for destroying someone and putting the through all of that,and for what? You were too immature to just walk away? I saw how much i hurt him and i didn't want to do it anymore, I tried to make my friend a rebound boyfriend. I thought that maybe if i got drunk enough id actually go home with him- Not enough alcohol in the world to make me forget my boyfriend for a night. I told my boyfriend about it and i saw his heart drop into his stomach. We never really know what damage we are capable of until the time approaches. Everyone i talk to says i should have never told him, but how? how do you keep that a secret? So not only did i put our relationship at risk for being unreparable. but i fucked everything up with his sister. Who has a good heart. These are the only two people i know out here and not speaking to me. Well he is but i think its the for the same reason he wont leave me. I can't take care of myself. I need someone to get me up in the morning i need someone to keep me company and show me lots of attention, even when i don't deserve it. i need friends that drop everything their doing to talk about whats going on with me when i am having a panic attack. I just looked at some pics from back home. I would have just went to prom this year, i would be gettin ready to walk with my class. I gave it all up because i didn't have my ex to fall back on anymore. As much as we faught he was my best friend he was going off to college and i had nothing there anymore. When i was really young i had a whole bunch of friends and was realy popular. Now i don't have any. My phone never rings, i never get messages from people who don't want to get in my pants. I think this is a pre-midlife crisis. I just don't know what i suppose to be doing or where im suppose to be headed.There are so many things i need to figure out and i can't even sleep but i also can't sit there and think. I have work to do if i forgot something i'll be back to bitch about later.