urgh
so we spent less than 24 hours in SF this weekend. I've only spent two weekends in the city, but thusfar i do not like it. it reminds me of some weird cross section of the smallness of boston coupled with the traffic of LA. i sort of worry that i might be put into a position where i'm going to -have- to like it, and that unnerves me. though obviously relationships are about compromise and if there is an awesome opportunity for ethan (this has been dragging on for eons) then obviously i'm going to have to suck it up. but there is a part of me that just loves our little seaside pseudo-city of venice. plus the idea of moving and finding new doctors is the most daunting thing. that is one aspect of my new normalcy that i despise. it's not easy to just decide to pick up and move somewhere, cities have to be vetted by 2 criteria a) good engineering jobs b) outstanding healthcare. Today is Rare Disease Day (whoo) and it sort of makes me think about how lucky i've been to live in cities that have had exemplary healthcare. not that SF doesn't, but there is only one masto doctor there, as opposed to 3 here and 5 in boston. but while in SF i saw one of my oldest and dearest friends, so that was awesome, although somewhat disheartening to hear that he doesn't like it either. but it was fantastic to see him even though we were lazy bastards to just hung out with the dog all afternoon with a break to meet his girlfriend for lunch.
sometimes i want to move back to boston, though i don't know if it's the familiarity, my desire to maybe do grad school, or just sort of giving up on finding quite as dynamic a life elsewhere. somewhere along the way i lost the plot at being good at meeting people, and being in a couple makes that 100x harder. in boston i have friends. but there is snow and cold and i imagine finding housing that will allow a dog to be quite painful, let alone suddenly being thrust into college student central again. i still sort of have my heart set on seattle, but that's more of a "i imagine us moving there and settling down" idea, and at 35 i am nowhere near ready to settle down. i look at my friends who own homes or have kids and i am amazed at that sort of stability. part of me wants it, another part of me always wants the "flee" option. i just fall in and out of love with concepts so quickly that the idea of settling down terrifies me. i just want more adventure.
but yeah everything feels in a huge state of flux at the moment. especially my appearance. i got fat after the 1-2 punch of leg brace and prednisone and that has been super frustrating to deal with. the muscles in my foot are still weak from the boot and i ran into some masto problems after SF for some reason so that's fucking annoying. though i've decided (and i doubt this will stick) that i want to grow out my hair. grow out the asymmetry, grow out the undercut, grow out the dye, and just see what looking like -me- is like. my hair has not been its natural color in about 21 years so we'll see if i actually do it. i'm going to drive poor chemicalwire nuts with this process no doubt. but i want to wait to figure out the weight stuff first. it's such an annoying thing, prednisone. there's no doubt that it totally saved my ass in Hawaii with the ear stuff and the foot stuff, but the side effects are brutal and the rebound even worse (it screws with your cortisol levels so temporary adrenal fatigue is a side effect i'm currently experiencing. which means i am stellar at sleeping right now)
not much else to report. everything just feels so up in the air. it's not bad stuff, far from it, but i feel like since we moved out here stuff has constantly been up in the air....but not in enjoyable ways, just feelings of impermanence that are more daunting than exciting.
sometimes i want to move back to boston, though i don't know if it's the familiarity, my desire to maybe do grad school, or just sort of giving up on finding quite as dynamic a life elsewhere. somewhere along the way i lost the plot at being good at meeting people, and being in a couple makes that 100x harder. in boston i have friends. but there is snow and cold and i imagine finding housing that will allow a dog to be quite painful, let alone suddenly being thrust into college student central again. i still sort of have my heart set on seattle, but that's more of a "i imagine us moving there and settling down" idea, and at 35 i am nowhere near ready to settle down. i look at my friends who own homes or have kids and i am amazed at that sort of stability. part of me wants it, another part of me always wants the "flee" option. i just fall in and out of love with concepts so quickly that the idea of settling down terrifies me. i just want more adventure.
but yeah everything feels in a huge state of flux at the moment. especially my appearance. i got fat after the 1-2 punch of leg brace and prednisone and that has been super frustrating to deal with. the muscles in my foot are still weak from the boot and i ran into some masto problems after SF for some reason so that's fucking annoying. though i've decided (and i doubt this will stick) that i want to grow out my hair. grow out the asymmetry, grow out the undercut, grow out the dye, and just see what looking like -me- is like. my hair has not been its natural color in about 21 years so we'll see if i actually do it. i'm going to drive poor chemicalwire nuts with this process no doubt. but i want to wait to figure out the weight stuff first. it's such an annoying thing, prednisone. there's no doubt that it totally saved my ass in Hawaii with the ear stuff and the foot stuff, but the side effects are brutal and the rebound even worse (it screws with your cortisol levels so temporary adrenal fatigue is a side effect i'm currently experiencing. which means i am stellar at sleeping right now)
not much else to report. everything just feels so up in the air. it's not bad stuff, far from it, but i feel like since we moved out here stuff has constantly been up in the air....but not in enjoyable ways, just feelings of impermanence that are more daunting than exciting.