New Moon Resolution: Language and Communication Issues
This is probably more for my own edification - or at least is a reminder of my goals - than anything else.
Long ago I committed myself to shaping my language and communication style to be more kind, compassionate, inclusive, and open-minded. This included things such as using "I" statements ("I think, I feel, I believe") rather than stating my own perceptions as truth ("That's stupid" or "It's too cold to do that"), not making assumptive statements about other people ("You don't, you never, you always, you are"), not making assumptions in general, especially about cultural things ("That's not really Mexican" or "Everybody knows that"), not interrupting, not talking about myself (at least excessively), being less sarcastic, not correcting people/interjecting opinions/stopping the conversation to point out small isses ("Yeah, but that's not really the point" or "Yes, but that's just an urban legend" or "That would never happen"), avoiding use of binary gender pronouns whenever possible, asking questions about other people's interests, remebering little things about others and bringing that up in conversation, and other such things. However, this weekend, it has come to my attention, that I have some very bad language habits that extend beyond these good intentions. So, going forward, here are some things I need to work on:
1) Using "I" and "me" more while avoiding "you" and "one." Unfortunately, I am one of those people who grew-up under the impression that it was polite and inclusive to speak using vague, second-person pronouns when describing situations. You know, like when you are trying to explain what it is like be stuck on hold forever and you have to listen to an endless loop of really bad smooth jazz? Exactly that. Although I believed I was being inclusive, I have learned that this is actually hypocritical of me to use alienating language under the assumption that it is somehow a shared experience.
2) Using "always" and "never" when it applies to myself. While I consciously try to avoid saying that about others ("You never wipe down the counter" or "You always have a smart-ass answer"), I have not been that careful about removing these words from my own vocabulary altogether. I have a tendency to things like, "I never knew that it was alienating to use words like that" or "I always try to be kind." If I am really trying to speak the truth, I am clearly lying here because I, obviously, no one, including me, always or never does anything.
3) When people call me out on my language, don't say that that is how I was taught/that is what people expected of me. While this might be true, it is not the most effective way to engage the matter. Personally, I have a need to get to the root of a matter. If I am going to solve a problem I feel I need to know the reasons why that problem occurred in the first place. But that is not always helpful to the others involved; it sounds like an excuse. So, instead of saying that that is what I was taught, I should say, "That is what I was given. For a long time I chose to accept it, but now I don't." And then I just need to do something about it.
4) Not apologizing for things that do not, necessarily, warrant an apology. I'll admit it, I have a habit of saying "I'm sorry" for simple mistakes, misunderstandings, etc. I've done this all my life. For example, last night I thought that Andrew had grabbed forks for dinner, so I just sat down without getting silverware and I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought Andrew had done it." Or, I'll apologize for not hearing someone/misunderstanding someone/forgetting things. It was what I was given and for a long time I chose to accept it, but I no longer do. It was pointed out to me, that apologizing robs me of power.
5) Avoiding stating statements as questions. If I am even slightly unsure about something - or if I feel as if I might be correcting someone - I tend to phrase it as a question. For example, the other day, Andrew mentioned never having been to a winery in Utah, and I said, "Didn't we go to a winery in Moab?" Or, at work I might say, "Wait, didn't you tell me on Tuesday that you decided not send out an email about it?" In the first case, not only did I not want to correct him, but I thought that maybe I was mis-remembering a restaurant/bar as a winery. In the second case, I am trying to reconcile my own memory with what I was just told and I want to make sure that I am doing the right thing without being rude to my boss. That said, this is apparently not a helpful construction and I need to no longer accept it as an option. It, too, is a disempowering thing.
6) Not trailing off. I have no excuse for this habit, I just tend to not finish sentences. It's like I start fine with a concrete statement. "It's probably going to rain," and then I leave to to those around me to finish the sentence, "so we might not want to..." I have no excuse for this.
So this is what I am currently working on. As per usual, I long to get at the root of my language issues and I suspect that some of this comes from a combination of generational changes, misplaced humility, anxiety about being an only child, possibly gender, and flat-out low self-esteem.
My parents were at least a generation older than most of the parents of my friends. While their parents were Baby Boomers, my dad fought in WW2 and my mom graduated from high school in 1950. My grandmother, too, was a huge influence on my life and was definitely of the school that children are meant to be polite, compliant, and non-confrontational. Consequently, I learned the manners and speech habits of people generations before me, and that does serve me well in modern society.
Part of what I learned was to be humble, to not talk to much about myself, to always be polite, to put others first in conversation, and to follow along with everyone else. Whether this was a factor of being an only child or because those who raised me came from an era before the "special little snowflake" concept of childrearing was much of a thing, I do not know, but it is clear that I tend to avoid "me-centered" speech. I recognize that only children have a reputation for being selfish and, at least when they're younger, for seeing the world from a rather limited perspective. Perhaps to combat this, my parents/friends/relatives very consciously helped me not to be that way. Being brash or bold in my speech was discouraged, but politely listening and not correcting people was. Not that that is an excuse.
I feel like my language development is, at least partially, a response to the people who have surrounded me. Though my family encouraged one thing, I also have very distinct childhood/teeenaged/college/post-college memories of people who flatly said things like, "I'm not interested in that" or who interrupted with corrections/comments, etc. These things hurt my feelings and helped me to realize that I don't want to have those same habits. Those were positive lessons, but I am sure that there were some negative ones mixed in there as well. More importantly, I can move beyond all that!
So, from this point on, these above things will become part of my language habits. I will not let other people rob me of power. I will not make excuses. I will not be hypocritical. I will speak my truth confidently and compassionately, I will still speak with kindness and love, but I will include myself in that kindness and love.
Long ago I committed myself to shaping my language and communication style to be more kind, compassionate, inclusive, and open-minded. This included things such as using "I" statements ("I think, I feel, I believe") rather than stating my own perceptions as truth ("That's stupid" or "It's too cold to do that"), not making assumptive statements about other people ("You don't, you never, you always, you are"), not making assumptions in general, especially about cultural things ("That's not really Mexican" or "Everybody knows that"), not interrupting, not talking about myself (at least excessively), being less sarcastic, not correcting people/interjecting opinions/stopping the conversation to point out small isses ("Yeah, but that's not really the point" or "Yes, but that's just an urban legend" or "That would never happen"), avoiding use of binary gender pronouns whenever possible, asking questions about other people's interests, remebering little things about others and bringing that up in conversation, and other such things. However, this weekend, it has come to my attention, that I have some very bad language habits that extend beyond these good intentions. So, going forward, here are some things I need to work on:
1) Using "I" and "me" more while avoiding "you" and "one." Unfortunately, I am one of those people who grew-up under the impression that it was polite and inclusive to speak using vague, second-person pronouns when describing situations. You know, like when you are trying to explain what it is like be stuck on hold forever and you have to listen to an endless loop of really bad smooth jazz? Exactly that. Although I believed I was being inclusive, I have learned that this is actually hypocritical of me to use alienating language under the assumption that it is somehow a shared experience.
2) Using "always" and "never" when it applies to myself. While I consciously try to avoid saying that about others ("You never wipe down the counter" or "You always have a smart-ass answer"), I have not been that careful about removing these words from my own vocabulary altogether. I have a tendency to things like, "I never knew that it was alienating to use words like that" or "I always try to be kind." If I am really trying to speak the truth, I am clearly lying here because I, obviously, no one, including me, always or never does anything.
3) When people call me out on my language, don't say that that is how I was taught/that is what people expected of me. While this might be true, it is not the most effective way to engage the matter. Personally, I have a need to get to the root of a matter. If I am going to solve a problem I feel I need to know the reasons why that problem occurred in the first place. But that is not always helpful to the others involved; it sounds like an excuse. So, instead of saying that that is what I was taught, I should say, "That is what I was given. For a long time I chose to accept it, but now I don't." And then I just need to do something about it.
4) Not apologizing for things that do not, necessarily, warrant an apology. I'll admit it, I have a habit of saying "I'm sorry" for simple mistakes, misunderstandings, etc. I've done this all my life. For example, last night I thought that Andrew had grabbed forks for dinner, so I just sat down without getting silverware and I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought Andrew had done it." Or, I'll apologize for not hearing someone/misunderstanding someone/forgetting things. It was what I was given and for a long time I chose to accept it, but I no longer do. It was pointed out to me, that apologizing robs me of power.
5) Avoiding stating statements as questions. If I am even slightly unsure about something - or if I feel as if I might be correcting someone - I tend to phrase it as a question. For example, the other day, Andrew mentioned never having been to a winery in Utah, and I said, "Didn't we go to a winery in Moab?" Or, at work I might say, "Wait, didn't you tell me on Tuesday that you decided not send out an email about it?" In the first case, not only did I not want to correct him, but I thought that maybe I was mis-remembering a restaurant/bar as a winery. In the second case, I am trying to reconcile my own memory with what I was just told and I want to make sure that I am doing the right thing without being rude to my boss. That said, this is apparently not a helpful construction and I need to no longer accept it as an option. It, too, is a disempowering thing.
6) Not trailing off. I have no excuse for this habit, I just tend to not finish sentences. It's like I start fine with a concrete statement. "It's probably going to rain," and then I leave to to those around me to finish the sentence, "so we might not want to..." I have no excuse for this.
So this is what I am currently working on. As per usual, I long to get at the root of my language issues and I suspect that some of this comes from a combination of generational changes, misplaced humility, anxiety about being an only child, possibly gender, and flat-out low self-esteem.
My parents were at least a generation older than most of the parents of my friends. While their parents were Baby Boomers, my dad fought in WW2 and my mom graduated from high school in 1950. My grandmother, too, was a huge influence on my life and was definitely of the school that children are meant to be polite, compliant, and non-confrontational. Consequently, I learned the manners and speech habits of people generations before me, and that does serve me well in modern society.
Part of what I learned was to be humble, to not talk to much about myself, to always be polite, to put others first in conversation, and to follow along with everyone else. Whether this was a factor of being an only child or because those who raised me came from an era before the "special little snowflake" concept of childrearing was much of a thing, I do not know, but it is clear that I tend to avoid "me-centered" speech. I recognize that only children have a reputation for being selfish and, at least when they're younger, for seeing the world from a rather limited perspective. Perhaps to combat this, my parents/friends/relatives very consciously helped me not to be that way. Being brash or bold in my speech was discouraged, but politely listening and not correcting people was. Not that that is an excuse.
I feel like my language development is, at least partially, a response to the people who have surrounded me. Though my family encouraged one thing, I also have very distinct childhood/teeenaged/college/post-college memories of people who flatly said things like, "I'm not interested in that" or who interrupted with corrections/comments, etc. These things hurt my feelings and helped me to realize that I don't want to have those same habits. Those were positive lessons, but I am sure that there were some negative ones mixed in there as well. More importantly, I can move beyond all that!
So, from this point on, these above things will become part of my language habits. I will not let other people rob me of power. I will not make excuses. I will not be hypocritical. I will speak my truth confidently and compassionately, I will still speak with kindness and love, but I will include myself in that kindness and love.