I wish I had Dweezil's "Laugh while you can, Monkey Boy" icon!
So I had a dream last night that requires journaling. When I woke up it was because I was having the absolute, certain feeling that this had happened to me before; but in telling Chris about it, I'm sure it never did. I must have been in a similar situation, and the dream is reminding me of that time, but it wasn't the same, I don't think...not unless I repressed some hella memories. So I have come to the conclusion that this was really for someone else, and not for me.
I was in highschool, but I was a senior, so very close to being "of age", I guess. At the moment my dream started, my classmates were very annoyed me, ignoring me and sluffing me off, and I had no idea why they would be. I started thinking about how I would talk it over with my friend later...only my friend wasn't one of the girls I was hanging out with in the dream. He was a 30 or 40 year old man, and I hadn't decided if he was just a friend and a teacher I had a special relationship with, or something more. I *did* think he was dead sexy and loved to flirt with him. And as I think about it, he liked flirting with me, too. I get the feeling he used to make things for me - he'd send me things, write me letters. I think he was a music teacher or something, because sometimes while he was teaching and/or performing he'd be singing something and I'd know it was for me. We can't really assign him to singing teacher, tho, because that's what I was involved in in highschool, and I feel like that memory impressed itself upon this dream so I would understand the event. It was some kind of extracurricular activity he taught.
Anyway, the whole thing was like this...OMG, precious secret. I might like him and he might like me, too. Teenage *squeees*!! It was very exciting.
No one knew either one of us was feeling this way. None of my friends even had a clue what was going on inside my head - mostly because I wasn't sure if I was feeling anything, if he was feeling anything...very uncertain what was happening. None of the other adults in our lives suspected anything, either - they all assumed he was just taking a special interest in a talented student. He was very careful not give me too much attention, or to be overly praising or anything, because then everyone else would have cried favoritism and someone would have told and he'd have been fired - but I did get a lot of special opportunities. It just wasn't very obvious why, and people assumed it was because he thought I had some talent. We hadn't actually done anything, not even spoken any words of being attracted to one other beyond beyond scholarly affection. There seemed to be smouldering glances and innocent hand brushes and some filmy inneuendo, but nothing had actually happened or been spoken. For my part, I wasn't approaching this grown man till I was 18 and legal! LOL! For his...I don't know. Maybe the same thing.
Anyway, this guy had been around the block a few times. As a matter of fact, he was quite the lady's man, and he had some ex's in very influential places that hadn't really accepted they were ex's yet. There was one in particular who was the wife of a school board member directly responsible for our school. My teacher was ashamed of having been with her because the board member was his friend, but that's how he had gotten his job, I think. So anyway, this lady made every kind of excuse you could possibly imagine to follow him around to all our functions and competitive events - supposedly to take pictures and write little articles for a local or school newspaper of some kind. And the whole time she was there, she would flounce all over him, and be all flirty and wear short skirts and try to touch him. And it would make me SO angry and sick every time I saw it.
I kind of think this part was a flash back-ish thing...So one day while he was packing up the van or something, I'm sitting tying my shoes, minding my own business, and this woman comes up to me and stands right in front of me. And I look up at her and say, "What?" And she basically, in a very indirectly direct way, tells me she knows that he and I have this relationship and that I better back off. And I am offended, because her inference is that he and I are having monkey sex from the chandeliers or on the principles' desk or something and we have been doing nothing of the damned kind...I might have been thinking about it, but I hadn't gotten to do any of it!! And my friends are all standing around, putting two and two together with what this woman is talking about, assuming he and I really *did* have something going on, realizing how many times I'd been spotlighted, assuming it was because I was good at something other than singing or whatever we were involved in, and they started building the resentment that I'd been trying to avoid. And I got angry.
I flew into this woman, calling her a wrinkled old bitch, telling her to go back to hell where she came from, telling her she was married and she should go be with her husband instead of being such a pathetic slut following this young guy around town when he was *clearly* not interested in any of her dusty, cobwebby parts...I was pissed. She smacked me. That got the attention of the other chaperones and, of course, him. This teacher. He turned ash white and started to lead the older chick away but she glared at me, glared at him, pulled away and stormed off. Some of the other chaperones were asking me if I was ok, but my friends wanted nothing to do with me.
Now I'm back to present again, where I'm in class, and my friends are mad, and I didn't know why. This is why, they all think I'm sleeping with the teacher and apparently, so did the administrators of the school. After the older lady left, she had run to her husband and told him my teacher was having sexual relations with one of his students - and my teacher had been fired. Of course. This teacher was incredibly popular, and everyone was heartbroken that he was going...and they blamed me for not "keeping it in my pants", so to speak. Which was really offensive, ok, because I'd never even done anything with this guy!!!!!!!!! He was heartbroken too, but he didn't blame me...he was blaming himself for having slept with the lady, and being sick over the fact that he had to leave his students, and regretting that he might not ever see me again because then we'd never get to play out whatever had happened between us. Throughout the last moments of the dream, I can remember her being there, torturing him. That sucked.
In my heart I felt this incredibly guilt because I had wanted to do something with him - the lady wasn't wrong about the intentions that lay inside my heart. So I was taking all the guilt for his being fired upon myself, and letting my classmates hate me, because inside me, I was guilty. And somehow that was just as bad as being guilty in action.
Wow, now that I read it, what a very Catholic moral to the dream! :op
The message that filled my head the very second I opened my eyes was, "Be careful. When you're interacting in a way that you shouldn't, even if the other person is trustworthy beyond reproach, you have no idea who else might be watching, how they might get involved, and how they could make it look."
So, who was the dream for??? I got the feeling that it was very much something that had actually happened, not an interpretation of an event. In reading it, I can see why it sparked memories in me...it's because I had situtions similar to that in the past - most embarassingly but also most vividly, situations from online. I was very much the innocent party...kinda...but inside I had wanted whatever I was being accused of or had been subtly manipulating to get to the end result without actually looking like I arranged it all. So even if I managed to convince everyone I was innocent and people said they believed me, they didn't really...and I didn't either. But this dream wasn't to remind me of stupid things I did 10 years ago, it was a message for the here and now. So, who's it belong to???? Comments are screened.
In other news, I've decided I'm not afraid of my ex. That's always my first reaction where he's involved, because he's such a powerful dickhead. But I'm a big girl, I can handle myself, and I'm not going to let him keep me captive in fear. This is my first chance to really interact with my daughter's doctors, and it's not for him or against me - it's for her. And I can't wait to meet the doc. :o)
And that's all. Love ya! (But not like that, ok?? Don't wanna get anyone in trouble. LOL!!!)
I was in highschool, but I was a senior, so very close to being "of age", I guess. At the moment my dream started, my classmates were very annoyed me, ignoring me and sluffing me off, and I had no idea why they would be. I started thinking about how I would talk it over with my friend later...only my friend wasn't one of the girls I was hanging out with in the dream. He was a 30 or 40 year old man, and I hadn't decided if he was just a friend and a teacher I had a special relationship with, or something more. I *did* think he was dead sexy and loved to flirt with him. And as I think about it, he liked flirting with me, too. I get the feeling he used to make things for me - he'd send me things, write me letters. I think he was a music teacher or something, because sometimes while he was teaching and/or performing he'd be singing something and I'd know it was for me. We can't really assign him to singing teacher, tho, because that's what I was involved in in highschool, and I feel like that memory impressed itself upon this dream so I would understand the event. It was some kind of extracurricular activity he taught.
Anyway, the whole thing was like this...OMG, precious secret. I might like him and he might like me, too. Teenage *squeees*!! It was very exciting.
No one knew either one of us was feeling this way. None of my friends even had a clue what was going on inside my head - mostly because I wasn't sure if I was feeling anything, if he was feeling anything...very uncertain what was happening. None of the other adults in our lives suspected anything, either - they all assumed he was just taking a special interest in a talented student. He was very careful not give me too much attention, or to be overly praising or anything, because then everyone else would have cried favoritism and someone would have told and he'd have been fired - but I did get a lot of special opportunities. It just wasn't very obvious why, and people assumed it was because he thought I had some talent. We hadn't actually done anything, not even spoken any words of being attracted to one other beyond beyond scholarly affection. There seemed to be smouldering glances and innocent hand brushes and some filmy inneuendo, but nothing had actually happened or been spoken. For my part, I wasn't approaching this grown man till I was 18 and legal! LOL! For his...I don't know. Maybe the same thing.
Anyway, this guy had been around the block a few times. As a matter of fact, he was quite the lady's man, and he had some ex's in very influential places that hadn't really accepted they were ex's yet. There was one in particular who was the wife of a school board member directly responsible for our school. My teacher was ashamed of having been with her because the board member was his friend, but that's how he had gotten his job, I think. So anyway, this lady made every kind of excuse you could possibly imagine to follow him around to all our functions and competitive events - supposedly to take pictures and write little articles for a local or school newspaper of some kind. And the whole time she was there, she would flounce all over him, and be all flirty and wear short skirts and try to touch him. And it would make me SO angry and sick every time I saw it.
I kind of think this part was a flash back-ish thing...So one day while he was packing up the van or something, I'm sitting tying my shoes, minding my own business, and this woman comes up to me and stands right in front of me. And I look up at her and say, "What?" And she basically, in a very indirectly direct way, tells me she knows that he and I have this relationship and that I better back off. And I am offended, because her inference is that he and I are having monkey sex from the chandeliers or on the principles' desk or something and we have been doing nothing of the damned kind...I might have been thinking about it, but I hadn't gotten to do any of it!! And my friends are all standing around, putting two and two together with what this woman is talking about, assuming he and I really *did* have something going on, realizing how many times I'd been spotlighted, assuming it was because I was good at something other than singing or whatever we were involved in, and they started building the resentment that I'd been trying to avoid. And I got angry.
I flew into this woman, calling her a wrinkled old bitch, telling her to go back to hell where she came from, telling her she was married and she should go be with her husband instead of being such a pathetic slut following this young guy around town when he was *clearly* not interested in any of her dusty, cobwebby parts...I was pissed. She smacked me. That got the attention of the other chaperones and, of course, him. This teacher. He turned ash white and started to lead the older chick away but she glared at me, glared at him, pulled away and stormed off. Some of the other chaperones were asking me if I was ok, but my friends wanted nothing to do with me.
Now I'm back to present again, where I'm in class, and my friends are mad, and I didn't know why. This is why, they all think I'm sleeping with the teacher and apparently, so did the administrators of the school. After the older lady left, she had run to her husband and told him my teacher was having sexual relations with one of his students - and my teacher had been fired. Of course. This teacher was incredibly popular, and everyone was heartbroken that he was going...and they blamed me for not "keeping it in my pants", so to speak. Which was really offensive, ok, because I'd never even done anything with this guy!!!!!!!!! He was heartbroken too, but he didn't blame me...he was blaming himself for having slept with the lady, and being sick over the fact that he had to leave his students, and regretting that he might not ever see me again because then we'd never get to play out whatever had happened between us. Throughout the last moments of the dream, I can remember her being there, torturing him. That sucked.
In my heart I felt this incredibly guilt because I had wanted to do something with him - the lady wasn't wrong about the intentions that lay inside my heart. So I was taking all the guilt for his being fired upon myself, and letting my classmates hate me, because inside me, I was guilty. And somehow that was just as bad as being guilty in action.
Wow, now that I read it, what a very Catholic moral to the dream! :op
The message that filled my head the very second I opened my eyes was, "Be careful. When you're interacting in a way that you shouldn't, even if the other person is trustworthy beyond reproach, you have no idea who else might be watching, how they might get involved, and how they could make it look."
So, who was the dream for??? I got the feeling that it was very much something that had actually happened, not an interpretation of an event. In reading it, I can see why it sparked memories in me...it's because I had situtions similar to that in the past - most embarassingly but also most vividly, situations from online. I was very much the innocent party...kinda...but inside I had wanted whatever I was being accused of or had been subtly manipulating to get to the end result without actually looking like I arranged it all. So even if I managed to convince everyone I was innocent and people said they believed me, they didn't really...and I didn't either. But this dream wasn't to remind me of stupid things I did 10 years ago, it was a message for the here and now. So, who's it belong to???? Comments are screened.
In other news, I've decided I'm not afraid of my ex. That's always my first reaction where he's involved, because he's such a powerful dickhead. But I'm a big girl, I can handle myself, and I'm not going to let him keep me captive in fear. This is my first chance to really interact with my daughter's doctors, and it's not for him or against me - it's for her. And I can't wait to meet the doc. :o)
And that's all. Love ya! (But not like that, ok?? Don't wanna get anyone in trouble. LOL!!!)