(no subject)
i don't update here much because it's always the same.
it's my darkest, confused moments that i want to share.
i try so hard. too hard, i think. there's something about not trying, just doing.
i don't know how to do. i am so easily unmotivated and maybe i really am depressed. like clinically.
while i hate antidepressant commercials with all of my being, the latest one for cymbalta made me pause one day.
nothing matters. i don't want to do anything. i don't care.
but that's not really it.
everything matters. i want to do a lot of things, maybe too many. i care too much.
these are extremes, my extremes. it's hard to know if i actually function anywhere near the center or if i'm always experiencing one extreme or another. i hate the thought of diagnosis and drug treatment, i'm not going that route.
i have always embraced all that it means to be me. but it is so fucking exhausting and it feels like a cruel joke sometimes.
in somewhat related news, maybe, last week we went to the mall to look at rings for john. he had tried on many rings at three counters and found one he really liked. then the jeweler brought out a setting for me to try on and i really liked it. and it was on sale. john's ring wasn't. i didn't want him to pay full price for that ring and since we weren't exactly there to look at rings for me, we left. and we talked about it. he was willing to pay full price for his ring since it was the most comfortable one he'd tried on. he said we could the setting for me there, as well.
also, last week, i was looking at new phones. john has always been anti-contract so we've been on cricket or virgin mobile plans with thier limited services and phones. john needed a smart phone, bring on the contract. sprint told him he could add a line, get a free phone. blah blah, long story short, we could get a blackberry for me for $50 and pay about the same every month for service
i know the businesses are struggling. i coaxe it out of him. the cleaning company has been losing $1000/week and if things don't turn around in four weeks he has to let the operations manager go and resume a more than full-time involvement again. he already works more than full-time. the other business has three promising prospects that may close franchise deals in the next six months. this is all fine and well, unless he can no longer devote all his fucking spare time to this business because he's manning the cleaning office. oh. and. he has to give himself about a $20,000/year paycut or else the cleaning company may go bankrupt.
so why the hell we even entertaining the idea of spending $800 on rings? of getting a new phone? of doing anything but sitting down right fucking now and discussing our options, our plan, and our very real, but possibly scary, potential future? oh right, because it's scary.
on top of it all, the kids are sick. i'm sick. we've been home for three days straight and my plans of wowing myself with a major declutter spree have been shat upon by a clingy, feverish baby and my own feelings of unwellness. and i can't leave because that's just how sick i am. but sitting here, staring at the piles of laundry? the toys? the clutter? it makes me really wish that most of this crap wasn't valuable and worth the trouble of trying to sell online to pay down some of my debt. and maybe none of it is worth the cost of weighing on my mind at the expense of our precious little space and time. but i perceive it as such and i don't know how else i could help make a dent in my debt, otherwise.
i mean, i could just unleash my creative fury and do what i want. finally making art, selling on etsy, and voila! happiness. except, no. i'm far to realistic for all that. that takes time and energy, too. and it may not produce the results that selling all this shit would. but really? maybe i'm just using being sick as an excuse because in reality i haven't felt motivated to take pictures or list anything new online, in weeks. and that brings me back to the real, serious contemplation that i am seriously depressed.
there's nothing to do about it, but push through it. but that doesn't mean i can't complain about the process.
oh and then. john emails me today to see if it's okay if he goes to some poker tournament planning process for the lion's club at some member's house tomorrow night from 6-8. yeah, sure. that's the best use of your time. really, it is.
it's my darkest, confused moments that i want to share.
i try so hard. too hard, i think. there's something about not trying, just doing.
i don't know how to do. i am so easily unmotivated and maybe i really am depressed. like clinically.
while i hate antidepressant commercials with all of my being, the latest one for cymbalta made me pause one day.
nothing matters. i don't want to do anything. i don't care.
but that's not really it.
everything matters. i want to do a lot of things, maybe too many. i care too much.
these are extremes, my extremes. it's hard to know if i actually function anywhere near the center or if i'm always experiencing one extreme or another. i hate the thought of diagnosis and drug treatment, i'm not going that route.
i have always embraced all that it means to be me. but it is so fucking exhausting and it feels like a cruel joke sometimes.
in somewhat related news, maybe, last week we went to the mall to look at rings for john. he had tried on many rings at three counters and found one he really liked. then the jeweler brought out a setting for me to try on and i really liked it. and it was on sale. john's ring wasn't. i didn't want him to pay full price for that ring and since we weren't exactly there to look at rings for me, we left. and we talked about it. he was willing to pay full price for his ring since it was the most comfortable one he'd tried on. he said we could the setting for me there, as well.
also, last week, i was looking at new phones. john has always been anti-contract so we've been on cricket or virgin mobile plans with thier limited services and phones. john needed a smart phone, bring on the contract. sprint told him he could add a line, get a free phone. blah blah, long story short, we could get a blackberry for me for $50 and pay about the same every month for service
i know the businesses are struggling. i coaxe it out of him. the cleaning company has been losing $1000/week and if things don't turn around in four weeks he has to let the operations manager go and resume a more than full-time involvement again. he already works more than full-time. the other business has three promising prospects that may close franchise deals in the next six months. this is all fine and well, unless he can no longer devote all his fucking spare time to this business because he's manning the cleaning office. oh. and. he has to give himself about a $20,000/year paycut or else the cleaning company may go bankrupt.
so why the hell we even entertaining the idea of spending $800 on rings? of getting a new phone? of doing anything but sitting down right fucking now and discussing our options, our plan, and our very real, but possibly scary, potential future? oh right, because it's scary.
on top of it all, the kids are sick. i'm sick. we've been home for three days straight and my plans of wowing myself with a major declutter spree have been shat upon by a clingy, feverish baby and my own feelings of unwellness. and i can't leave because that's just how sick i am. but sitting here, staring at the piles of laundry? the toys? the clutter? it makes me really wish that most of this crap wasn't valuable and worth the trouble of trying to sell online to pay down some of my debt. and maybe none of it is worth the cost of weighing on my mind at the expense of our precious little space and time. but i perceive it as such and i don't know how else i could help make a dent in my debt, otherwise.
i mean, i could just unleash my creative fury and do what i want. finally making art, selling on etsy, and voila! happiness. except, no. i'm far to realistic for all that. that takes time and energy, too. and it may not produce the results that selling all this shit would. but really? maybe i'm just using being sick as an excuse because in reality i haven't felt motivated to take pictures or list anything new online, in weeks. and that brings me back to the real, serious contemplation that i am seriously depressed.
there's nothing to do about it, but push through it. but that doesn't mean i can't complain about the process.
oh and then. john emails me today to see if it's okay if he goes to some poker tournament planning process for the lion's club at some member's house tomorrow night from 6-8. yeah, sure. that's the best use of your time. really, it is.