This entry is brought to you by: Sleep Deprivation
I had to get something done for a computer science course this morning, so I of course waited until last night to start. I stayed up past 6am and then took a 4 hour nap. I got up, finished what I was doing, and turned it it. Mission accomplished, but now I'm tired as all hell.
Aside from the tired thing however I'm still not fine. I'm in some sort of funk that I can't define easily nor explain how it came to be. I think it has to do with loneliness again, or some similiar thing. I feel like I'm in love, or rather, that I should be in love. Like there's someone nearby that I'm unaware of who' I'd like. Or perhaps it's someone I know but I don't know. I am tired mind you, so forgive me on the lack of coherency...and spelling. I think I finally got over my high school crush 100% or something, and now there's a void. Like I did get over her when she turned me down to begin with, but not all the way I guess. I still thought there was a chance for some stupid reason. Again it doesn't help matters none that she decided to go to Truman as well.
If that's the case, then I don't get the problem. Why's it there? Why do I have to put up with pain like this simply because I can't find someone special to me? Either I can't be with them, thus pain; or there isn't anyone at all, and thus pain. I really hate this. It's not even a really strong emotion or whatever, it's just persistent. I just don't know. Perhaps I shouldn't write about things I believe to be either impossible to descirbe in words, or hard as hell to describe in words. I may have gotten the point across, but I just hope no one mistook what I said.
There's another thing that's been bother me, but it's a little more personal, so I'll avoid the specifics. I have certain specific memories that have holes in them. This is all from a long time ago when I was little. It's not like I can't remember anything earlier than the age of 2, which isn't true, but more like there are certain spots that are blacked out. For instance I recall a conversation I had with my mother around the age of 4~5, but I'm missing the middle. I recall perfectly the beginning and the end, but the middle isn't there. I was the one talking then too, it's not just a case of mom saying some boring stuff and me blocking out the minute detials. This crap worries me, but according to a psychologist I used to go to I shouldn't worry about it. They doubted I would end up schizophrenic or with multiple personalitites, so maybe I should just forget it. Also I have asked about these black spots before, adn gotten answers as to what happened then or what was said. It was stuff I should've definitely remembered too.
I keep almost falling asleep while writing this, so I'm going to stop. More again tomorrow maybe, but probably not. We'll see. Also it is very hard to find a meditation spot on campus at 2am on a Friday night...err Saturday.
Aside from the tired thing however I'm still not fine. I'm in some sort of funk that I can't define easily nor explain how it came to be. I think it has to do with loneliness again, or some similiar thing. I feel like I'm in love, or rather, that I should be in love. Like there's someone nearby that I'm unaware of who' I'd like. Or perhaps it's someone I know but I don't know. I am tired mind you, so forgive me on the lack of coherency...and spelling. I think I finally got over my high school crush 100% or something, and now there's a void. Like I did get over her when she turned me down to begin with, but not all the way I guess. I still thought there was a chance for some stupid reason. Again it doesn't help matters none that she decided to go to Truman as well.
If that's the case, then I don't get the problem. Why's it there? Why do I have to put up with pain like this simply because I can't find someone special to me? Either I can't be with them, thus pain; or there isn't anyone at all, and thus pain. I really hate this. It's not even a really strong emotion or whatever, it's just persistent. I just don't know. Perhaps I shouldn't write about things I believe to be either impossible to descirbe in words, or hard as hell to describe in words. I may have gotten the point across, but I just hope no one mistook what I said.
There's another thing that's been bother me, but it's a little more personal, so I'll avoid the specifics. I have certain specific memories that have holes in them. This is all from a long time ago when I was little. It's not like I can't remember anything earlier than the age of 2, which isn't true, but more like there are certain spots that are blacked out. For instance I recall a conversation I had with my mother around the age of 4~5, but I'm missing the middle. I recall perfectly the beginning and the end, but the middle isn't there. I was the one talking then too, it's not just a case of mom saying some boring stuff and me blocking out the minute detials. This crap worries me, but according to a psychologist I used to go to I shouldn't worry about it. They doubted I would end up schizophrenic or with multiple personalitites, so maybe I should just forget it. Also I have asked about these black spots before, adn gotten answers as to what happened then or what was said. It was stuff I should've definitely remembered too.
I keep almost falling asleep while writing this, so I'm going to stop. More again tomorrow maybe, but probably not. We'll see. Also it is very hard to find a meditation spot on campus at 2am on a Friday night...err Saturday.