Review of The Hobbit: The Desolation of watching Smaug gab and do very little else
I really liked the first Hobbit movie (better than most of the Lord of the Rings movies)--really, really a lot--and this from someone who didn't like the book. Everyone was wondering how Jackson would turn one pretty simple children's book into three full-length movies, and the first Hobbit movie made me believe he could do it. Though they were so far from the thrilling conclusion of the book, with the first Hobbit movie, they told a story that was complete and satisfying in itself, with character growth for many--especially, and most importantly, the main character of Bilbo. The final battle was edge-of-your-seat, fascinating, and cathartic.
The second Hobbit movie started off promisingly. It was a full hour into the two-and-a-half-hour film before I got even a little bit bored. I have to say, it's great to see Legolas again. The battle while riding barrels down a river was, okay, a TEENSY bit unrealistic, especially when Legolas picked off orcs effortlessly with arrows as he stood on the heads of two dwarves in two separate barrels floating down the rapids. Still, hilarious, fun, a great visual, and, ya know, Legolas.
All the Mirkwood stuff was pretty good. I mean, you see someone run one spider through and you've pretty much got the gist without having to see thirty more spiders run through, but okay, I get it, action and stuff, and that battle had some creativity about it, with another great visual as Bilbo frees his company who have all been wrapped up in spider webs for later munching. (Not sure why Bilbo was the only one able initially to break through it, but whatever, it's a good time, and we love Bilbo as the unlikely hero.)
It got pretty slow in the middle when hot elf king is finding out something about orcs and Gandalf is wandering around alone trying for fifteen minutes of screen time to dig up info the audience has known for a while (the revelation is moving for no one but Gandalf), but I did like Gandalf's little crucifixion on the wall before he got strung up in a cage so he could stare meaningfully down at a bunch of orcs running around doing not much of anything.
And believe me, I love a good smuggling-boatman-almost-gets-caught scenario more than your average viewer, but by this point we're an hour and a half in and all we've really managed to do is get in and out of Mirkwood.
Here's where the movie lost its punch. Why do we care about the governor of Laketown and his flunky? Yes, yes, he's complacent and corrupt, there's a shocking development. Why are all of the townspeople except Bard total assholes? I really don't care if Smaug goes and smokes the joint as long as Bard and his family and the left-behind dwarves get out; no great loss there. And oh my goodness, here come those annoying orcs again for Legolas to effortlessly kill another fifty of. This is getting old.
Meanwhile, Bilbo has the most go-nowhere conversation ever with Smaug, the Dragon Who Does Not Follow Through on His Threats. It was scary when he threatened to kill Bilbo the first time! Still pretty scary the second time! By the tenth time, it's more likely to make you shrug than cringe. Unless you REALLY like hearing Benedict Cumberbatch talk, and/or CGed mountains of gold shifting, this is a good time to go to the bathroom.
Actually, any time from here on out is good, 'cos I'll tell you what happens: Nothing. A WHOLE LOTTA NOTHING. Blah-blah the dragon talks--oh, and Thorin is getting corrupted by the Arkenstone! That's all you need to know, besides that nothing can kill dragons--or dwarves, evidently, or hobbits, as Smaug breathes fire on or very very near them countless times and miraculously they aren't even singed.
In arguably the most ridiculous moment of the whole movie (though it would be very hard to pick just one), Thorin rides what looks like a wheelbarrow down a small river of MOLTEN GOLD until it waterfalls over the edge, whereupon he somehow launches himself from it laterally and jumps onto a chain several feet away, suspended hundreds of feet above a stone floor. This jumping-around-and-barely-catching-chains-rather-than-plummeting-to-their-deaths has transpired literally twenty-some times by this point, so it hardly seems surprising that he's able to do this; rather, you wonder WHY he's doing this, which, like most of the action in this whole endless scene, is never really explained and is utterly irrelevant to anything, anyway.
Okay, MOLTEN GOLD? Even if his little wheelbarrow boat is magically made of some kind of material that doesn't melt at those temperatures, don't ya think it might be A LITTLE HOT IN THERE? And even if the dwarves have some incredibly technologically advanced material that prevents any heat from seeping through, doncha think there might be a bit of splashback, a drop or two of molten gold to give Thorin pause about this insane plan? Conveniently, there isn't anything of the kind. For all that, watching Thorin ride around in a little boat just wasn't that interesting in the first place, especially because there was no good reason for it, anyway.
Well, whatever. You're so tired of ACTION ACTION ACTION by this point, you just want it to be over. It's the philosophy that seemed to be behind Man of Steel: exhaust and infuriate your audience to such an extreme that you believe your dud ending can masquerade as satisfying and meaningful because they're so desperate for all the pointless action to be done. To make an incredibly long story short, they trojan-horse Smaug with a big golden statue that ends up tsunamiing him in molten gold, he writhes around for a while and you think he's dead--but no! He flies away, now a GOLDEN dragon!, shakes off the gold in a pretty GOLDEN SHOWER (yes, you read that right: this film has GOLDEN SHOWERS), making more villainy speeches about smiting Laketown, and ... The End! Ha, no, just kidding--NO, REALLY, THE END. Which is why some 70% of the audience openly scoffed and shook their heads as the credits rolled, and left eminently unsatisfied.
*shakes fist* JACKSON!!!