Being Alice: Breathing.
Call me Courage.
It takes a lot of strength to talk about life like this.
So, I just "woke up" splayed uncomfortably in my comfortable leather task chair, head lolled to the right, mouth open and drooling, left side full of hemiplegic hypertonic hemiparesis, right side spasming in its own way, brain stuffed with cotton, voices inside me screaming "GET UP, GET UP, OPEN YOUR EYES, DO IT NOW. JOANNA! WAKE UP!" Voices I recognized as Alicia, Serena, Amara, and Amber - all four of my spirit guides, aka healthy multiplicity selves, aka characters I created long ago that took on lives of their own deep inside my damaged brain. I have never, ever heard them in chorus. I felt something like a massive SHOVE - very similar to a hypnic jerk, which is actually extremely common during testings for epilepsy. Hypnic jerks, also known as hypnogogic jerks, night starts, and sleep starts, are those weird sensations you get between deep sleep and waking when you suddenly feel as though you have fallen onto your own bed from high above.
There was no panic in those cries, simply intensity. They were all desperate to bring me around. See, Alicia is the one who guides me through the seizures and brings me to Serena, who guides me though the pain. If needed, Amara steps forth to ease the anxiety, panic, and fear. And although Amber has kept silent and hidden for decades, Amber is the one who soothes my entire soul and my entire consciousness with a blend of magics and quantum physics that I still cannot translate into common words. However, they have always been separate and individual. The only ones who have ever communicated in any way have been Alicia and Serena, if only to pass me between each other with nods and whispers.
And so I awoke, or came out of the seizure, twisted and deeply exhausted from cerebral palsy complexities, compounded by fibromyalgia, sensory processing disorder, synesthesia, and hypersensitivity. For several agonizing moments, I did not know where I was - and the only reason I knew my own self was because the Guides poured all my memories quickly into my mind, into the live, non-damaged bits of my brain. I know that doesn't make any real medical neurological sense, but I cannot explain it any other way. The only reason I am typing this up is because my hands are moving of their own accord. I have a silly feeling that Serena and Amber might be helping me. Keep in mind that these women are not "real" - they are fictional characters. And they know it. But they are parts of my mind and have always been. I am still wracked with deep anxiety, and Amara is wrapping me in the most comforting... things? Images and sensations of fabrics. Ideas of beautiful imagery? Tiny mewling soft kittens happy and adored and warm? Anything to keep me calm and happy and anything to keep me from breaking down in screaming tears. I can feel an episode of clinical major depression creeping up on me.
And I still do not know why any of this is happening. I have lost small memories of today. I do not mourn them too much. I just want to feel better.
Can someone tell me a story, please? Any kind of story?
It takes a lot of strength to talk about life like this.
So, I just "woke up" splayed uncomfortably in my comfortable leather task chair, head lolled to the right, mouth open and drooling, left side full of hemiplegic hypertonic hemiparesis, right side spasming in its own way, brain stuffed with cotton, voices inside me screaming "GET UP, GET UP, OPEN YOUR EYES, DO IT NOW. JOANNA! WAKE UP!" Voices I recognized as Alicia, Serena, Amara, and Amber - all four of my spirit guides, aka healthy multiplicity selves, aka characters I created long ago that took on lives of their own deep inside my damaged brain. I have never, ever heard them in chorus. I felt something like a massive SHOVE - very similar to a hypnic jerk, which is actually extremely common during testings for epilepsy. Hypnic jerks, also known as hypnogogic jerks, night starts, and sleep starts, are those weird sensations you get between deep sleep and waking when you suddenly feel as though you have fallen onto your own bed from high above.
There was no panic in those cries, simply intensity. They were all desperate to bring me around. See, Alicia is the one who guides me through the seizures and brings me to Serena, who guides me though the pain. If needed, Amara steps forth to ease the anxiety, panic, and fear. And although Amber has kept silent and hidden for decades, Amber is the one who soothes my entire soul and my entire consciousness with a blend of magics and quantum physics that I still cannot translate into common words. However, they have always been separate and individual. The only ones who have ever communicated in any way have been Alicia and Serena, if only to pass me between each other with nods and whispers.
And so I awoke, or came out of the seizure, twisted and deeply exhausted from cerebral palsy complexities, compounded by fibromyalgia, sensory processing disorder, synesthesia, and hypersensitivity. For several agonizing moments, I did not know where I was - and the only reason I knew my own self was because the Guides poured all my memories quickly into my mind, into the live, non-damaged bits of my brain. I know that doesn't make any real medical neurological sense, but I cannot explain it any other way. The only reason I am typing this up is because my hands are moving of their own accord. I have a silly feeling that Serena and Amber might be helping me. Keep in mind that these women are not "real" - they are fictional characters. And they know it. But they are parts of my mind and have always been. I am still wracked with deep anxiety, and Amara is wrapping me in the most comforting... things? Images and sensations of fabrics. Ideas of beautiful imagery? Tiny mewling soft kittens happy and adored and warm? Anything to keep me calm and happy and anything to keep me from breaking down in screaming tears. I can feel an episode of clinical major depression creeping up on me.
And I still do not know why any of this is happening. I have lost small memories of today. I do not mourn them too much. I just want to feel better.
Can someone tell me a story, please? Any kind of story?