Mmm, Bacon...
So, as my Facebook friends have learned, I am dealing with a literal "nervous loss of appetite" - literal in that my biochemistry and brain chemistry is so fucked up that my hormones and neurotransmitters don't remember what actual hunger and appetite feel like (hunger and appetite are not the same, also).
See, when I had anorexia nervosa as a disease, it was always, "I don't want to eat"- and "I don't want to be fat" was an afterthought. The same thing is happening. Now the afterthought is "Well, I wouldn't mind losing ten pounds, it couldn't hurt, right?" And oh, dear ones, that is not a good thing.
So, the goal now is to teach my brain and my body to accept solid foods in the mornings, without my brain screaming about how weird it feels and without my stomach wanting to make it go away. And here is the thing: I have not lost much weight. According to my special scale, I lost maybe two to three pounds and my body fat percentage dipped a couple of numbers. Not a big deal, right? Right? Ha ha, silly, nope.
My doctors have been informed. They have been guiding me, nutritionally. I have several friends who are actively studying nutritional science and they have been guiding me.
If I can eat only half the sandwich, I will eat only half the sandwich, and I will save the other half for a couple of hours later. In the mornings, instead of taking my medications with coffee with cream and milk, I will actively make cereal, oatmeal, a nut butter/fruit preserve sandwich, eat as much as I can, and then take my pills. Yogurt is not really considered solid food, although my brain totally thinks it is. My body adores dairy and doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks. Cheese, whole milk, full fat yogurt, bring it on. Also fruit. My fruit cravings have been wild. Now, I've been told to watch out for sugar, because "it is possible that all those cravings are for the sugar in the foods and not the actual foods" - on which I quickly called bullshit. My sweet tooth hasn't been very active. Certain fruits and naturally sugary foods taste much too sweet. I can barely handle ice cream these days, filling as it is - although frozen yogurt with fruit is tolerable. Of course, there is a chance they are right - everything is possible, probable, and plausible. But at this point, I just need to eat something. And if there is a slice of cheesecake available, I will take a few bites just to start the whole "hey, time to wake up the digestive process" thing.
So, I welcome anecdotes and experiences and even suggestions. But I don't wanna be policed, if you know what I mean. Like if a morbidly obese celebrity or a very very skinny celebrity gets targeted by a gossip community and everyone says, "Well, I'm just *concerned about her health*" and then nobody produces their medical degrees or doctorates, is what I'm saying.
I love food. I am sad. I want food in my belly and I don't want my body hormones and brain chemicals getting in the way. And above all I don't wanna start thinking that I'm going to be fat, because that means The Worm will come back, and The Worm is evil and will rip open all those scars like paper.
So, I love you guys, and if you want to say anything, go for it. Just try not to be The Health Police. I mean, unless you actually have a degree in science, medicine, health, nutrition, etc. - or you are at least studying
that sort of thing. If so, by all means, instruct me! <3
See, when I had anorexia nervosa as a disease, it was always, "I don't want to eat"- and "I don't want to be fat" was an afterthought. The same thing is happening. Now the afterthought is "Well, I wouldn't mind losing ten pounds, it couldn't hurt, right?" And oh, dear ones, that is not a good thing.
So, the goal now is to teach my brain and my body to accept solid foods in the mornings, without my brain screaming about how weird it feels and without my stomach wanting to make it go away. And here is the thing: I have not lost much weight. According to my special scale, I lost maybe two to three pounds and my body fat percentage dipped a couple of numbers. Not a big deal, right? Right? Ha ha, silly, nope.
My doctors have been informed. They have been guiding me, nutritionally. I have several friends who are actively studying nutritional science and they have been guiding me.
If I can eat only half the sandwich, I will eat only half the sandwich, and I will save the other half for a couple of hours later. In the mornings, instead of taking my medications with coffee with cream and milk, I will actively make cereal, oatmeal, a nut butter/fruit preserve sandwich, eat as much as I can, and then take my pills. Yogurt is not really considered solid food, although my brain totally thinks it is. My body adores dairy and doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks. Cheese, whole milk, full fat yogurt, bring it on. Also fruit. My fruit cravings have been wild. Now, I've been told to watch out for sugar, because "it is possible that all those cravings are for the sugar in the foods and not the actual foods" - on which I quickly called bullshit. My sweet tooth hasn't been very active. Certain fruits and naturally sugary foods taste much too sweet. I can barely handle ice cream these days, filling as it is - although frozen yogurt with fruit is tolerable. Of course, there is a chance they are right - everything is possible, probable, and plausible. But at this point, I just need to eat something. And if there is a slice of cheesecake available, I will take a few bites just to start the whole "hey, time to wake up the digestive process" thing.
So, I welcome anecdotes and experiences and even suggestions. But I don't wanna be policed, if you know what I mean. Like if a morbidly obese celebrity or a very very skinny celebrity gets targeted by a gossip community and everyone says, "Well, I'm just *concerned about her health*" and then nobody produces their medical degrees or doctorates, is what I'm saying.
I love food. I am sad. I want food in my belly and I don't want my body hormones and brain chemicals getting in the way. And above all I don't wanna start thinking that I'm going to be fat, because that means The Worm will come back, and The Worm is evil and will rip open all those scars like paper.
So, I love you guys, and if you want to say anything, go for it. Just try not to be The Health Police. I mean, unless you actually have a degree in science, medicine, health, nutrition, etc. - or you are at least studying
that sort of thing. If so, by all means, instruct me! <3