Vacationing feels funny.
I have a new dress. It is a real dress. It is a strapless red nearly ankle length dress with a black ribbon around the waist and black trim around the bust. The bodice fits snugly. The skirt is flowing and loose enough to spin in. It is a shiny material. It is a shiny dress. I have a lacy little cotton jacket to conceal bra straps and to feel more comfortable and less shy.
I feel weird in a dress
like this. It is fine for weddings and parties and things. But it stuns me. It confuses me. It startles me. Thank gods for the black jacket shawl thing that comes to my waist. I have opaque black tights, black socks slouched because I need foot padding, and fancy black ankle boots and my shiny black butterfly cane (because fuck you I'm disabled). But I am fascinated by this dress.
No one who sees this dress would ever think I would wear it. I will have dark satiny red lipstick and shimmery black eyeliner and I will try to blend into the background because I am still too shy at gatherings and this dress waves hello.
I will eventually need another dress. One that is not so "Holy shit, is that Joanna? Whoa." A dress in purple or blue, hopefully. Maybe a Grecian style that helps accentuate my curves without making the curves stand out too much.
Oh my gods, I want dresses. Me. The girl who wrinkles her nose at dresses. Pretty dresses. Fancy dresses. Semi-formal dresses. I feel weird.
Applying red nail polish with extremely shaky, spastic hands is fascinating. My fingers look covered in blood and wine and liquid rubies. It's kind of awesome.
Packing for vacation always feels weird and funny. I'm too used to being at home, with the cats and my books and my comfort zone. However, amazingly enough, there is no anxiety, no nervous feeling, no worry, not like all the other times since 2001. Klonopin and Zoloft are good.
I will wear my pretty red dress with the long black shrug and I will be at my cousin in law's wedding and try to not be noticed, and then we will go to Sag Harbor and I will be surrounded by pure comfort and silence at night and the beach and the pier and a quiet quiet village and my parents.
Still, vacations make me feel twitchy and I really still don't know why beyond comfort zone issues. We don't need to leave until Friday morning, so I will have all of tomorrow to breathe. The cousin's wedding is on Saturday, and I can get through it, and I will have my cane, and if people want to talk to me, I will talk, but I will mostly sit and be calm. And then, the Hamptons, for a week, and I will be fine.
I feel weird in a dress
like this. It is fine for weddings and parties and things. But it stuns me. It confuses me. It startles me. Thank gods for the black jacket shawl thing that comes to my waist. I have opaque black tights, black socks slouched because I need foot padding, and fancy black ankle boots and my shiny black butterfly cane (because fuck you I'm disabled). But I am fascinated by this dress.
No one who sees this dress would ever think I would wear it. I will have dark satiny red lipstick and shimmery black eyeliner and I will try to blend into the background because I am still too shy at gatherings and this dress waves hello.
I will eventually need another dress. One that is not so "Holy shit, is that Joanna? Whoa." A dress in purple or blue, hopefully. Maybe a Grecian style that helps accentuate my curves without making the curves stand out too much.
Oh my gods, I want dresses. Me. The girl who wrinkles her nose at dresses. Pretty dresses. Fancy dresses. Semi-formal dresses. I feel weird.
Applying red nail polish with extremely shaky, spastic hands is fascinating. My fingers look covered in blood and wine and liquid rubies. It's kind of awesome.
Packing for vacation always feels weird and funny. I'm too used to being at home, with the cats and my books and my comfort zone. However, amazingly enough, there is no anxiety, no nervous feeling, no worry, not like all the other times since 2001. Klonopin and Zoloft are good.
I will wear my pretty red dress with the long black shrug and I will be at my cousin in law's wedding and try to not be noticed, and then we will go to Sag Harbor and I will be surrounded by pure comfort and silence at night and the beach and the pier and a quiet quiet village and my parents.
Still, vacations make me feel twitchy and I really still don't know why beyond comfort zone issues. We don't need to leave until Friday morning, so I will have all of tomorrow to breathe. The cousin's wedding is on Saturday, and I can get through it, and I will have my cane, and if people want to talk to me, I will talk, but I will mostly sit and be calm. And then, the Hamptons, for a week, and I will be fine.