you would think that, wouldn't you?
There is too much drama going on right now. Seriously, it needs to stop. I FINALLY make steps to let go of something so strong in my life, and this was definitely not something easy to do, then this is put on my doorstep. Having to be compared to one that you were already replaced by is not something easily taken. I already had, and still have some, insecurities involved with the whole situation. I don't need a very close friend basically telling me I'm not good enough, not strong enough, and unforgiving. I don't need that. I shouldn't have to be compared to someone who is on a different level than me too. 6 months, off and on, 3 of those were long distance. Try a year and a half. Try complete devotion and love to one another, then being replaced. And if you really want to bring normalcy in this situation and claim its not normal to be friends with an ex, then you have to bring in the awkward and ridiculous situation of hanging out with the one who replaced you, explain the normalcy in that will you? I just feel like this is all put on me, that I'm the one making everyone unhappy and that I'm the one being difficult. In reality, it's the opposite. Why be in a situation where I know I am going to have an unpleasant demeanor? If they want me there to have fun, that's not how I am going to be because I'm uncomfortable. I don't like doing this to my friend, especially one who I respect so much and has been so good to me. Because this friendship is on the line, I will attempt to be in this horrible position, but only when I AM READY TO, not under pressure. If it's not anytime soon, then so be it, I do not have to defend how I feel and as a good friend, that should be respected. If I can accept missing out on everyone together, then my friend can too. As much as I wish I could change how I feel and forget all that I have been through, I can't. My sensitive being and heart do not easily forget. And as much as I wish I could change everyone involved, I'm helpless to do so. This is my life. It's not a blank canvas for me to paint a perfect picture on, but unfortunately more of scrambled mosaic in a transparent glass where I see everything as it is and take from it what I can.