& when i say you sucked my brain out, the english translation is "i am in love with you."
so this has been the worst school year of my entire life. I was going to wait until school ended, optimistically hoping for things to turn around in the next three weeks, to post something like this, but fuck it.
I think I'm in the middle of what could be a real life lesson, but I just want it to end. I have never felt so irrationally (& maybe a little rationally) and justifyingly angry. I wish I could be more calm, focused, zen, whatever, but right now all I can think about is schoolwork, actual work, and angry angry angry. At the level I'm at, it's not even an emotion any more. It's a thought process. I've never been so lonely, tired, and bitter. Of course, I never thought half the shit that happened to me this year would have happened either. Shall I summarize it for you? okay.
August: Dan cheats on me. twice. hooooooooray. school starts.
September: I lose two of my closest friends. I get hired at Applebee's.
October: I have a boring, shitty birthday. My own boyfriend doesn't even come to my birthday party. He's busy meeting new girls
at some shitty show in Crown Point. My "friends" leave early to go to another party where they get fucked up. My other
friends came fucked up so they're happy where they are. Except for Nicole. Thanks, Nicole. I take the PSATs. The
downward spiral begins.
November: Dan and I break up because he met some new broad (on my birthday). I hang out with Joe Perez all the time. I find
out Dan cheated on me. I score in the 99th percentile on my PSATs. Worst month ever? Maybe, but it doesn't get
much better. Dan and I get back together, because, for all of you out there who held convictions that I was an
intelligent person, you were very, very wrong.
December: Good until I started hanging out with another boy. Then things got a little fucked up. I'm stupid.
January: Made the biggest mistake of my life. Things got very fucked up. I rang in the new year with my parents' drunk friends.
Dan and I break up, for good, this time because he met some girl named Jessica Lamparski. Well, it was a "for good"
breakup except for the part where we still acted like we were married. I'm still stupid.
February: Awkward. Two people give me Valentine's Day presents. I manage to fuck my life up even more. I'm still stupid.
March: I decide to turn my life around. I go to Florida with three people who I thought would be my friends. We haven't talked/
hung out since we got back. It's probably my fault, though. Oh, and turns out, that whole "turning my life around thing"
doesn't work so well when you're dealing with a boy who you're still in love with, a boy who acts like you don't exist, and a
boy who doesn't return your phone calls. But that's another story for another day. I'm still stupid.
April: Ironically, I start hanging out with April all the time. I'm still trying that whole "turn my life around" thing. It still isn't
working. I take the ACT. My grades are falling. My school work is getting harder, and I'm starting to hate the place I work.
Dan turns 18 and decides all he wants for his birthday is me. I'm still stupid.
May: Half-way over, it hasn't handed a single good thing to me. I score a 32 on my ACT & I'm more stressed out than I ever have
been. Probably the most fun I've had is Cinco de Mayo with April and Kelly and hanging out with April. The best thing that
happened to me so far is being named Photo Editor of Scout for next year. I didn't go to prom. Oh, and today, Dan kicked
me out of his life. As in, "stop talking to me," as in, "leave me alone," as in, "get out of my life." I'm still stupid.
So here I am. 5 more months to 18. I can't think of a single month this entire school year that I didn't do something I regret. Right now, I should be learning how to be myself. How to make myself happy. I should be making new friends, since I'm lacking a little in that department. Instead, I'm sitting here typing out a shitty livejournal entry that no one will real, & if any one happens to have made it this far, I apologize for the boring, self-pitying content. I never want to have another boyfriend ever again. I never want to touch another boy again. Do I blame this all on boys? No, only the majority of it. But everything revolves around how fucking stupid I am.
For now, I'm working on the "turning my life around" thing still, bit by bit, day by day. This year I've learned that just because it will look good on a college application doesn't mean you have to do it. I've learned that doing too much makes your life shittier than you will ever imagine. I realize that, really, I'm not as indpendent as I thought. I've learned that I sort of need the people I take for granted every day. This year I've learned that love really is all the bad things they say it is. And by they I mean the artists, the unrequited lovers, the movies, the songs. I've never felt dumber in my entire life, and it's all due to a tall boy carryiing a three-letter name. But as for me, I carry nothing forward with me other than my new knowledge, because as Nicole said, "it's your past now." And that's where it will stay.
I think I'm in the middle of what could be a real life lesson, but I just want it to end. I have never felt so irrationally (& maybe a little rationally) and justifyingly angry. I wish I could be more calm, focused, zen, whatever, but right now all I can think about is schoolwork, actual work, and angry angry angry. At the level I'm at, it's not even an emotion any more. It's a thought process. I've never been so lonely, tired, and bitter. Of course, I never thought half the shit that happened to me this year would have happened either. Shall I summarize it for you? okay.
August: Dan cheats on me. twice. hooooooooray. school starts.
September: I lose two of my closest friends. I get hired at Applebee's.
October: I have a boring, shitty birthday. My own boyfriend doesn't even come to my birthday party. He's busy meeting new girls
at some shitty show in Crown Point. My "friends" leave early to go to another party where they get fucked up. My other
friends came fucked up so they're happy where they are. Except for Nicole. Thanks, Nicole. I take the PSATs. The
downward spiral begins.
November: Dan and I break up because he met some new broad (on my birthday). I hang out with Joe Perez all the time. I find
out Dan cheated on me. I score in the 99th percentile on my PSATs. Worst month ever? Maybe, but it doesn't get
much better. Dan and I get back together, because, for all of you out there who held convictions that I was an
intelligent person, you were very, very wrong.
December: Good until I started hanging out with another boy. Then things got a little fucked up. I'm stupid.
January: Made the biggest mistake of my life. Things got very fucked up. I rang in the new year with my parents' drunk friends.
Dan and I break up, for good, this time because he met some girl named Jessica Lamparski. Well, it was a "for good"
breakup except for the part where we still acted like we were married. I'm still stupid.
February: Awkward. Two people give me Valentine's Day presents. I manage to fuck my life up even more. I'm still stupid.
March: I decide to turn my life around. I go to Florida with three people who I thought would be my friends. We haven't talked/
hung out since we got back. It's probably my fault, though. Oh, and turns out, that whole "turning my life around thing"
doesn't work so well when you're dealing with a boy who you're still in love with, a boy who acts like you don't exist, and a
boy who doesn't return your phone calls. But that's another story for another day. I'm still stupid.
April: Ironically, I start hanging out with April all the time. I'm still trying that whole "turn my life around" thing. It still isn't
working. I take the ACT. My grades are falling. My school work is getting harder, and I'm starting to hate the place I work.
Dan turns 18 and decides all he wants for his birthday is me. I'm still stupid.
May: Half-way over, it hasn't handed a single good thing to me. I score a 32 on my ACT & I'm more stressed out than I ever have
been. Probably the most fun I've had is Cinco de Mayo with April and Kelly and hanging out with April. The best thing that
happened to me so far is being named Photo Editor of Scout for next year. I didn't go to prom. Oh, and today, Dan kicked
me out of his life. As in, "stop talking to me," as in, "leave me alone," as in, "get out of my life." I'm still stupid.
So here I am. 5 more months to 18. I can't think of a single month this entire school year that I didn't do something I regret. Right now, I should be learning how to be myself. How to make myself happy. I should be making new friends, since I'm lacking a little in that department. Instead, I'm sitting here typing out a shitty livejournal entry that no one will real, & if any one happens to have made it this far, I apologize for the boring, self-pitying content. I never want to have another boyfriend ever again. I never want to touch another boy again. Do I blame this all on boys? No, only the majority of it. But everything revolves around how fucking stupid I am.
For now, I'm working on the "turning my life around" thing still, bit by bit, day by day. This year I've learned that just because it will look good on a college application doesn't mean you have to do it. I've learned that doing too much makes your life shittier than you will ever imagine. I realize that, really, I'm not as indpendent as I thought. I've learned that I sort of need the people I take for granted every day. This year I've learned that love really is all the bad things they say it is. And by they I mean the artists, the unrequited lovers, the movies, the songs. I've never felt dumber in my entire life, and it's all due to a tall boy carryiing a three-letter name. But as for me, I carry nothing forward with me other than my new knowledge, because as Nicole said, "it's your past now." And that's where it will stay.