Letter // 24 June 1976
The Soon-to-be LATE Mr Prongs,
Oh, do shut the fuck up now. You try eating that many sweets in one sitting and see how well you manage the following day! And you’ve not heard me moaning and groaning all day long oh gods, that conjured up so many WRONG images so please stop exaggerating. I know exaggerating is what you do best - i.e. your Quidditch prowess, the number of birds you’ve snogged, the progress you’re making with Lily, et cetera - but I won’t have you telling untruths about me.
I wish I could’ve stopped squirming, believe me. It couldn’t be helped. McGonagall (who looks far better in her old hat than this new one) enjoys watching me anyway so who are we to stop her? Do me a favour and sod off, Potter. My reflexes are just fine when I am not in an altered state of mind (a.k.a distracted by Remus)! And why are my fingers ‘naughty’? You know something... forget I even asked for clarification on that one. I’m quite certain it would lead to places neither of us wish to visit. Ever. As for this supposed ‘evil, sexy genius’ you possess? Ha, I say. HA! You’ve nothing of the sort and Lily will continue to resist you as well as she has these long years, mate.
James. You’re thisclose to waking up with a rather embarrassing condition, I should have you know. (In case you’re wondering, you’d most certainly have to borrow a brassiere from one of the birds around the castle. Don’t test me, my arsehole of a best mate; you know I’d do it.) I’m not sappy. I’m just... sweet and attentive. Yes. See, these are things one needn’t concern himself with when one is practically engaged to his own right hand. (Notice, too, how I am just glossing right over the mention of a certain someone in a bikini. Can I blame that on the sweets? Yes, I think so.) While I thank you for taking note of my powers of seduction, I beg to differ take offence at the notion that I beg. I do not beg, Prongs, and I don’t get on my knees... not for that reason, anyway. (You had that one coming, git. Let that image stay with you for a bit.) Moony is far from innocent, I’ll have you know! People would be shocked and appalled if they knew of some of that bloke’s escapades. (Me thinks Prongs doth protest too much. Are you trying to convince me of your manly straightness - or yourself?)
... Merlin. I was rather hoping you’d not respond to that part. Look, James, you can’t even begin to judge me until you have someone writing to you what Remus wrote to me. Imagine if Lily wrote you a suggestive letter and you were reading it, imagining her and the way she... well, yeah. That’s what I was doing with Remus’ letter and why the fuck am I explaining myself to a berk like you?! You shouldn’t have even read that letter in the first place! The one who needs help here is you. Is that why you went all purplish in detention - because you looked to see if I was hard? James, you absolute fucking pervert! I feel violated in the worst way due to your seedy voyeurism. I don’t know if I can bring myself to share a dorm with you ever again! And, oh, the Quidditch locker room will never be the same. I’m forever going to wonder if your eyes are slowly travelling over my body in a most lecherous manner. I’ll Obliviate you if you do the same for me; I wish to have my fear of your sexual advances erased forever.
Get over it, Prongs. Yes, I was hard in detention. Like you’ve never been hard in classes before? I know just as well as you do how very difficult these things can be to manage, especially when we were a bit younger. Lucky those brooms come with in-built vibration control, eh, James? And it’s not even got to be anything that bloody obvious to set a bloke off. It can just happen because it’s Tuesday. We both know it so stop it.
You really don’t want to know anything about positions, James; this has been awkward enough.
Gods, cam someone just put me out of my misery now? You really need to read Moony’s letter to me in order to see just why I was writing all these things! It wasn’t like that, really. There is no need to set down rules, James. I don’t fancy you! I. DON’T. FANCY. YOU. At all. You’re like a brother to me, dolt. Even if you weren’t like a brother to me, I don’t fancy straight blokes. Too one-sided for my tastes.
Right. I can’t. I don’t. I won’t. You can breathe easy, mate. Anyway, I’m not the one sneaking glances at your prick in detention. Seems I’m the one who should be worried.
Remus is not a girl, fucker. You’ve had your fun with all that but now it’s really just starting to grate on me. If he was a girl then I’d not be calling him he, he’d not have a cock and we’d not be so very gay together. Is that crystal clear enough for you, Prongs? Remus = 100% boy. But... you think he’s pretty?
(Of bloody course we rule all, mate! Our team is even more brilliant this year than last and we were fucking amazing last year. No-one stands a chance against us, least of all Slytherin. We are most certainly in for a winning streak! I’d even call undefeated if I hadn’t seen that new Ravenclaw seeker in action. Wicked fast but there are ways to get around that. Still, she’s our only real threat from the way I see it. Dammit, James, you get too easily distracted and it effects me. Back to my incensed reply to you.)
Yes, I still notice girls. We raging shirt lifters don’t want to shag girls but they’re not fucking invisible. Again, HE IS NOT A GIRL and why do you keep calling my boyfriend ‘pretty’?
... mentioned his name? How? You can’t tell me something like that and then just stop! I need to know exactly what it was they said about Moony. I mean, it’s not like I’m worried; Remus isn’t into girls. I just... want to know. And who? Because maybe the next time I see these girls, I will glare at them in a most vicious way. I’m just curious, is all.
I’ve not stopped glaring at you since you took that letter from me and I won’t until I’m good and ready. No, you didn’t harm me but you embarrassed me so fucking much! If I had wanted you to read the content of our letters, I would have passed them on to you. I just figured that it would be less awkward on the both of us if you didn’t know the intimate details of what Remus and I talk about. Would you show me the love letters you and Lily might exchange? Well, knowing you and your lack of tact and sophistication, you likely would. But it’d not be the best of ideas, trust me. I know we’ve been writing to each other like mad lately but that’s because there is something oddly addictive to it. (Don’t pull that face, James. You’ll one day see what I mean when you have a lady love of your own to... oh, fuck. I didn’t mean for it to sound like I was calling Remus my lady love. I really wasn’t. He’s not a girl!)
I’m not chasing Remus; I already have him, thank you. (Why in Merlin’s name would I go after Lily? She’s lacking the absence of girl bits and presence of boy bits that I prefer.) And there is nothing weird about it! I am well aware of my age, James, and I’m not too young to be in love with anyone. Talk about the pot calling the cauldron black, by the by. You’re not hopelessly in love with Lily? Just sit there and try to tell me otherwise, Potter, and I will floor you. The only difference is that your love for her is thus far woefully unrequited. Makes you something of a stalker, really. And, honestly, why the fuck do you keep referring to Remus as ‘pretty’?!
Yes, it was Remus’ idea to start writing letters to one another. It’s not as bad as you’d think. In fact, it’s not bad at all. I actually find myself enjoying these letters quite a bit... as you now know rather well. But I do agree that Moony has a worrying obsession with books and the like. I’m surprised that he doesn’t correct out hideous grammar more often. And what do you mean by telling me that I need to stick up for myself? Do I honestly give the impression of the one in the submissive role? James, I thought you knew me better than that. Also, I am all man and that does include every last follicle of manly hair on my masculine head. There is nothing girly about my hair as I’m not the one who uses all manner of styling product to get it to look the way it does. Ahem.
Gods, it’s like dealing with two very different Remuses (or would that be Remii?) when I go from reading his letters to talking with him. Perhaps it’s partially due to the fact that he’s not got to contend with my Sexy when he’s writing to me. I’m a rather formidable presence in the flesh. Even a man such as yourself can admit to that much. I don’t know how I ever managed to... well, that would fall under the category of Things We Decided Never To Discuss so we’ll move right on. Can I help it if I am cheerful and pleasant in the mornings? You’ve no reason to wake up in such a strop as you always do. I swear, you look like an old troll with the way you scrunch your face up and scowl as if trying to kill us all with a simple look. If you’d like, I can drag you out of bed as well. In a purely platonic and manly sort of way, of course. Might help brighten things a bit.
Do you watch me when I wake Moony up? I don’t always pounce on him or take hold of his ankle and give a good yank. All right, so maybe nine out of ten times I do. But that tenth time is the thing fucking fairytales are made of. I’m a right Prince Charming when I want to be, Prongs. You could stand to learn a thing or two about romance from Sirius Black. Just a sidenote: painting one’s dorm walls to match the colour of your object of desire’s hair borders on creepy as fuck. Stalker, James, can you say that word? S-T-A-L-K-E-R.
Er, well... I did. Take care of myself, I mean. What say we go in for group therapy? The whole lot of us. I’m going to leave this scarred in so many fucking ways...
Stop calling me ‘dog boy’, darling deer. And I only skipped practise that once... oh. Right. Twice. But my playtime with Moony is integral to my happiness and a happy Quidditch player is a damn good one. (Did you buy that at all?) Too good for me?! How is he too good for me? I’d reckon we’re just right for each other so keep your bloody antlers out of it!
Everyone wants me.
Seriously contemplating letting a bludger take your arse out tonight,
Padfoot
p.s. We postscript because we can.