An exercise in catharsis
Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.
If I had to describe what was happening around me, though, they would all seem petty and shallow. Nothing earth-shattering really happened.
It was what I was feeling that really did me in. It was the closest to an emotional meltdown that I've ever been. Everything was just going wrong. Everything people said to me got on my nerves. I just was out of it the whole day. I had wanted to stay offline on work-mandated Yahoo Messenger, because S just uses me to vent out every detail of her life, including all the traffic jams she passes by and how many times she has to take a crap (I'm not kidding). I excused myself early from lunch at the office because I couldn't stand S and L's usually-playful-but-today-irritating quips and usual snide remarks. I also left the dinner table early because I did not care about my dad giving me a blow by blow account of Cory Aquino's memorial parade, based on what he had seen on the news a few hours ago. Everything just made me feel sick to my stomach. I just wanted to throw up and collapse. I just needed to be alone. It didn't help that the rest of my family later joined me in the living room while I was exercising last night. I never felt safe or at ease all day yesterday.
Being an Aquarius, I've actually prided myself on being cold, unemotional, and detached. I'm like emotional Teflon; it helps so that I don't get hurt or disappointed. A lifetime of witnessing my parents' tumultuous relationship has also engrained in me the belief of avoiding unnecessary conflict by shutting the hell up. If I can't say anything nice, I never say it. If anyone only knew all the thought, edits, rewrites, I apply to my tweets, texts, and instant messages-a lot of which I also abort, just for the sake of avoiding conflict. Ah, the façade I wear for civility; the societal obligation to which all of us also adhere.
I think a lifetime of playing the good passive girl just collapsed all of a sudden-a lot of stuff that I had internalized just came out and bled yesterday. It's the reason why I'm writing this rambling entry-yesterday's constant frustration showed that I need to vent every once in a while. In retrospect, yesterday was an exercise in catharsis. I really felt like I was being punched and mauled, emotionally. It was all just-overwhelming and incredible, in a way.
Now that my meltdown has passed, I still don't hate anyone, not even S. She's just annoying, but I can't hate her, at least not yet. Today, I'm just pretending that my Yahoo Messenger won't start. Now, I wish I didn't have to have Yahoo Messenger at work. Wah.
PS: Don't worry. I still didn't hate everyone yesterday. My tortured, scheming SMS exchange with Therese over the Ateneo-La Salle tickets was fun, in a masochistic kind of way. I also had fun reading Aline's meme on Facebook, which I'll get around to once I'm in a better mood.
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Aaaaaaaand to get myself into a better mood, let me start by rechristening my iPhone Ry-Ry. To match Tay-Tay the laptop, of course. Ry-Ry, because this iPhone is wide, built like a tank, and looks good in white. Heh. That, and the previous name sounds a lot like this person who annoys me.
By the way, have I mentioned that Laura Pausini is playing in Los Angeles ONE DAY before the Manics' concert there? SIGH. The only thing that's keeping me sane and relatively calm about not going to L.A. is the fact that those schedules coincide with the UAAP finals. If my boys make it to the finals, and I hope they do. ^^;;;; Watching last year's games made me even more nervous and uneasy, because they're not as tight this year as they were last year.
Tokyo, Tokyo, Tokyo.
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Since I started tabbing my expenses on an iPhone app, I just realized I was deluding myself by thinking I'd only spend 5,000 pesos (US$ 100) a month. I've already spent a third of last month's salary, and there are three more weeks until the next paycheck. Sigh.
Need: A new pair of jeans. AGAIN. Also have to get rid of all my old ill-fitting pants and skirts.
Want: Season tickets for the next three years
Miss: Baby
Hate: Scalpers, especially those who take advantage of Ateneo-La Salle games. Burn in hell, all of you. The Araneta Coliseum gets sold out quickly for every Ateneo-La Salle match, and usually well over 22,000 fans cram in. Easily the biggest sports showdown in the Philippines, every time.
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