i folded three hundred and twenty seven pairs of skinny jeans today and i am not a happy camper.
it's a little known fact that i'm really thin skinned. this is due in large part to my absolutel mastery of the art of indifference. whenever someone says or does something to me that hurts my feelings my instinctive reaction is to pretend i don't care. i just shrug it off and move on to something new. the reality of it is that this goes on file in my head and as soon as i'm alone or as soon as it gets quiet i start to slowly freak out about it. i don't go all horror movie and sob or shake or have panic attacks but i get quick of breath and upset. i usually never address these people when they say things to me. i try to not treat them any different. i try to keep moving at a pace that lets me just get over it. but deep down whenever i see these people who have hurt me i clammer for their approval and attention. which is ridiculous because normal people would do the opposite.
i'm starting to wonder if this is why i'm putting so much effort into trying to make things with paul work out. he's hurt me so many times that i can do nothing but seek his approval. this is ridiculous because if he has hurt me its because i have driven him to it.
(it is not easy to date me. i am jealous and mildly paranoid. i crave commitment and attention and after i reach the point where we are saying i love you i need all of someone. i'm not controling, which is the only thing saving me from being not dateable. )
when things with paul started to go bad, i could tell when things were starting to get different. there was a hesitation in him i noticed. he didn't treat or act or do anything different but i could sense something. this is when i started losing weight. i have tried over the past three or so years to lose weight maniacally. i have dieted, not eaten, joined gyms, etc. but i never seem to be able to stick to anything for a very long period of time. but when i sensed that paul was perhaps on the verge of leaving me i somehow planted some sick thought in my head that if i were hot enough he would not break up with me. so i started jogging. i stopped eating completely almost (at times i remember only eating when i was with him. we only saw each other on the weekends because he was so busy with pharmacy school and i would not eat on the days when i didn't see him.) the only calories i got were from andre when i would hang out with kellie.
when he did break up with me, after i had lost about 15 pounds i went apeshit crazy. i would show him! breaking up with me. so i lost more weight. i jogged more. i got weights and an exercise ball for my apartment. i essentially only consumed liquor. i ate in front of kellie and my mom so no one would think anything was wrong.
i started eating regularly again after new years. its so strange how just a few short months can really screw with you.
my new years resolution was to be healthy. just healthy not hot. not toned. not super skinny. just healthy. its weird.
i have no idea why i just went on that crazy rant.
i woke today, slightly hung over from last night and went into work where i performed menial tasks and didn't utilize anything i have ever learned in college or high school and sighed my way through what seemed like a thousand hours.
i'm glad its over. i'm going home to cynthiana tonight and probably won't be back until tomorrow evening, and thats only if i can secure a dinner date with paul h. otherwise i will return tomorrow night for a movie with a friend.
valentine's day is creeping up on me and i am not happy about it. i refuse to be derailed by this sorry excuse for a holiday. v-day is useless to me.
i'm starting to wonder if this is why i'm putting so much effort into trying to make things with paul work out. he's hurt me so many times that i can do nothing but seek his approval. this is ridiculous because if he has hurt me its because i have driven him to it.
(it is not easy to date me. i am jealous and mildly paranoid. i crave commitment and attention and after i reach the point where we are saying i love you i need all of someone. i'm not controling, which is the only thing saving me from being not dateable. )
when things with paul started to go bad, i could tell when things were starting to get different. there was a hesitation in him i noticed. he didn't treat or act or do anything different but i could sense something. this is when i started losing weight. i have tried over the past three or so years to lose weight maniacally. i have dieted, not eaten, joined gyms, etc. but i never seem to be able to stick to anything for a very long period of time. but when i sensed that paul was perhaps on the verge of leaving me i somehow planted some sick thought in my head that if i were hot enough he would not break up with me. so i started jogging. i stopped eating completely almost (at times i remember only eating when i was with him. we only saw each other on the weekends because he was so busy with pharmacy school and i would not eat on the days when i didn't see him.) the only calories i got were from andre when i would hang out with kellie.
when he did break up with me, after i had lost about 15 pounds i went apeshit crazy. i would show him! breaking up with me. so i lost more weight. i jogged more. i got weights and an exercise ball for my apartment. i essentially only consumed liquor. i ate in front of kellie and my mom so no one would think anything was wrong.
i started eating regularly again after new years. its so strange how just a few short months can really screw with you.
my new years resolution was to be healthy. just healthy not hot. not toned. not super skinny. just healthy. its weird.
i have no idea why i just went on that crazy rant.
i woke today, slightly hung over from last night and went into work where i performed menial tasks and didn't utilize anything i have ever learned in college or high school and sighed my way through what seemed like a thousand hours.
i'm glad its over. i'm going home to cynthiana tonight and probably won't be back until tomorrow evening, and thats only if i can secure a dinner date with paul h. otherwise i will return tomorrow night for a movie with a friend.
valentine's day is creeping up on me and i am not happy about it. i refuse to be derailed by this sorry excuse for a holiday. v-day is useless to me.