getting lost and pondering
So I had a fun morning of driving through the hinter lands a million miles in the wrong direction while trying to get Blair to the airport in time for her flight to Chicago this morning. That was exciting. Somehow, despite the fact that we had to backtrack five trillion years, morning traffic is gross, it was rainy, and their were multiple accidents, she made it through the airport and what have you in time to not miss her flight (which we were seriously concerned about). Of course I ended up being just a trifle late making it back campus in time for work but I got a spot in the loop and that makes me heart happy … *le sigh*
But now I am at the desk with none of my stuff (I couldn’t justify being even more late by running by my room) and not really dressed … I am not unclothed or anything but I am definitely sporting the hoodie, pj pants, and mismatched tevas (I grabbed one new and one old on my way out … that is a special walking experience because as tevas age they compress so my new one is all show like and happy and my old one is barely thick enough to even be a shoe) …
Yesterday Chris and I were talking and he asked me why I talk about my embarrassing moments (like the foot picking thing) if it bothers me that it happened why bring it up all the time. I didn’t so much have an answer for him, but I have been thinking about.
I feel sure at least a little bit of why is simply because there is something inside of me that screams to be the center of attention sometimes. Over the years I have learned how to not give into this screaming dramaqueen as much, but there are times when I feel completely overwhelmed by this need to have the spotlight. Many of the stupidest, most obnoxious, and most regrettable things I have done have occurred within the context of submitting to that desire.
But it is more than just wanting attention. In fact, I really think that is only a mildly contributing factor. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that personal secrecy breeds shame and all other manner of grossness within my life. It is by talking about the things that embarrass me most that I diminish their power over me. By telling everyone myself I don’t have to dread the possibility of people finding out some other way.
Admittedly, if I had not talked about the whole foot picking incident it is unlikely that it would have ever come up again. I am not sure that Chris or Michael noticed, and I feel like both his mom and the lady I was meeting are likely too southernly polite to ever bring it up even if they did notice and remember. But in the off chance that it did come up again, I could laugh about it and not be as likely to emote negatively.
By talking about stuff to the whole world I get a chance to process through my emotions in small doses peppered with laughter. That way if whatever the embarrassing/upsetting moment comes up again I will be less likely to express a lot of negative emoting. And since I feel that it is rarely helpful to be spouting off negative emotions all over the place, I am a big fan dealing with them solo as much as possible.
I also just like to be real about who I am. I spent so much time in my past trying to pretend I was this person I wasn’t. I am sick that. I am sick of trying to make people like me by being the “brandi” I think they want me to be. The only way I know to combat that is to be as honest as possible about what I do and who I am. If you like me, I want the me that you like to be the real me.
I am sure there are other factors too but Courtney has been here for a while sooooooooo I will stop now. Laters!
But now I am at the desk with none of my stuff (I couldn’t justify being even more late by running by my room) and not really dressed … I am not unclothed or anything but I am definitely sporting the hoodie, pj pants, and mismatched tevas (I grabbed one new and one old on my way out … that is a special walking experience because as tevas age they compress so my new one is all show like and happy and my old one is barely thick enough to even be a shoe) …
Yesterday Chris and I were talking and he asked me why I talk about my embarrassing moments (like the foot picking thing) if it bothers me that it happened why bring it up all the time. I didn’t so much have an answer for him, but I have been thinking about.
I feel sure at least a little bit of why is simply because there is something inside of me that screams to be the center of attention sometimes. Over the years I have learned how to not give into this screaming dramaqueen as much, but there are times when I feel completely overwhelmed by this need to have the spotlight. Many of the stupidest, most obnoxious, and most regrettable things I have done have occurred within the context of submitting to that desire.
But it is more than just wanting attention. In fact, I really think that is only a mildly contributing factor. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that personal secrecy breeds shame and all other manner of grossness within my life. It is by talking about the things that embarrass me most that I diminish their power over me. By telling everyone myself I don’t have to dread the possibility of people finding out some other way.
Admittedly, if I had not talked about the whole foot picking incident it is unlikely that it would have ever come up again. I am not sure that Chris or Michael noticed, and I feel like both his mom and the lady I was meeting are likely too southernly polite to ever bring it up even if they did notice and remember. But in the off chance that it did come up again, I could laugh about it and not be as likely to emote negatively.
By talking about stuff to the whole world I get a chance to process through my emotions in small doses peppered with laughter. That way if whatever the embarrassing/upsetting moment comes up again I will be less likely to express a lot of negative emoting. And since I feel that it is rarely helpful to be spouting off negative emotions all over the place, I am a big fan dealing with them solo as much as possible.
I also just like to be real about who I am. I spent so much time in my past trying to pretend I was this person I wasn’t. I am sick that. I am sick of trying to make people like me by being the “brandi” I think they want me to be. The only way I know to combat that is to be as honest as possible about what I do and who I am. If you like me, I want the me that you like to be the real me.
I am sure there are other factors too but Courtney has been here for a while sooooooooo I will stop now. Laters!