Resurecting the old LJ for a good cause
We’ll I’ve decided to resurrect my old Live Journal for a good cause. I’m going to use it to document my journey with bariatric surgery. I’d like to start with some reasons behind why I’m going in this direction. I’m certain that this is nothing new for people considering this path, but if I’m going to document my journey, I need to start with the reason for the trip.
My weight has really gotten out of control in the past couple of years. My job is mostly sedentary (computer office job) and so I don’t exercise much. I’ve made plans several times to increase my activity level, but it’s hard to stay motivated to exercise when it hurts so much. I genuinely believe that if an average person woke up one morning with as much pain as I endure daily from my muscles and joints, that they would RUN to the doctor. They might even head to the emergency room because it would be abnormal. I of course know what is causing the problem. Unfortunately, the things I’ve tried to implement a cure haven’t really worked. Or even worse, they work temporarily and then I end up gaining back even more weight than I’ve lost.
That leads me to another reason: I really do want to be more active. I like riding bikes and hiking and being outdoors, going to amusement parks and ren fairs and conventions, riding horses and camping. I desire an active lifestyle, but I can’t have one right now. My weight is such that I am unable to do the things I want to do, either because I end up exhausted and hurting or because I simply don’t fit the normal person sized activity. My weight is a wall between me and the lifestyle I want to lead.
Additionally, I believe that my weight stands in the way of reaching my full potential in my career. When people look at someone who weighs as much as I do, they see a fat person along with all the stereotypical baggage that is associated with being fat. They can’t NOT see that, because it is trained into them by our society. I want that to change so that when they look at me, they see simply a person and my actions get to speak for what type of person I am.
I want to be able to shop at a normal store again. I’ve always been overweight, but until recently I could still find clothes in stores like Wal-Mart and Target. I can’t any longer and that distresses me more than I can say. It’s sort of a symbol of how out of hand this problem has gotten. Even though I’ve found a lovely on-line shop where I can get cute clothes that fit well, I don’t want to have to go to, as my dad would say, Omar the tent-maker for my clothes. And I don’t want to be restricted in my clothing choices to the horrible designs that buyers often select for overweight women. I want to wear cute feminine clothes while I’m still young enough that I don’t look ridiculous in them.
I want to be able to ride in an airplane without asking for a seatbelt extender and without having to SQUEEEEZZZZE myself into the standard belt. I want to sit in airplane seats not have them cut into my hips. I don’t want to see the look of veiled disgust that flashes across the faces of people as they walk down the airplane aisle and realize they have to sit next to the fat lady.
I don’t EVER want to feel again the humiliation that comes from having a chair collapse under my weight. I’ve had it happen a couple of times and it is one of the most awful things I’ve ever experienced.
Most of all, I don’t want to give up any more years of my life to obesity. It is a scientific fact that fat people tend to die sooner than thin ones due to a myriad of reasons. However, what most people DON’T talk about is the fact that fat people (especially those as morbidly obese as I am) don’t REALLY ever get to live. Avenues of experience which gape wide for thing people are cordoned off from fat ones. So much of life is like an exclusionary club with the sign “NO FAT CHICKS!” emblazoned on the door. It isn’t fair, but it isn’t going to change.
No, if I want to be able to truly embrace life, to LIVE beyond limits and in the words of Thoreau “suck out all the marrow of life”, then I need a drastic and dramatic change. I need to no longer be obese. And to that end, I’ve taken the first steps (albeit small ones): I contacted the Baylor Irving Weight Loss Surgery Center earlier this week and just set up an appointment with Dr. Kennedy for January 28th.
Wish me luck on my journey.