May 11, 2007 04:47
Rules are to be violated, for monumentous events have transpired. In honor of this auspicious occasion, the first person will actually be utilized, and details provided.
I almost never cry. At one point during my angst-ridden (albeit exceedingly mentally unstable) teenage years, I decided that I wouldn't any longer. There have been very few occasions that I have actually had an outbreak of emotion of that magnitude:
I tried to cry when I found out a girlfriend not only left me, but was cheating on me for the last several weeks of our 'relationship.' I couldn't.
I got close when two childhood pets had to be put down, first when I was 21, again when I was 25.
During my 24th year, I saw an unbelievable performance that was so amusing, I had trouble breathing and tears of laughter streamed down my face.
Spontaneously, for no apparent reason, on a Sunday night in November. My 'soul mate' was away on a trip, and I unexplicably shed a single tear. I learned several weeks later that she was having a one-night-stand with a stranger.
Again, rather spontaneously, a Thursday night in January. I had trouble sleeping, and again a tear was shed, for unknown reasons at that time. Again, she was unfaithful that very evening.
A third time, same individual, when she was out on a 'date' while we were still living together, and had a very romantic evening the night before. At this point I was catching on.
Again, tonight. But this was not a single, dramatic movement. I had tears of joy pouring down my face, turned the music up, and sang at the top of my lungs.
I have not heard from, nor attempted to contact my adulterous former mate in quite a while, and yet I inexplicably got a few mystery messages from a stranger over the course of the weekend while I was out of town working. I immediately assumed that they were from her, but dismissed it out of hand.
I was wrong. Which ultimately lead to my current exuberance.
I have had an epiphany, and ironically enough, she was responsible for it, although she was only intent on amusing herself with my supposed pain, she has provided me with insurmountable joy.
I have finally realized what my most fatal flaw is: Emotion.
I am a brilliant individual, with an incredibly sharp mind. I used to be able to disseminate and figure out situations without a moment's pause, and I was always right. This lead to my "I don't give a FUCK" attitude and general cockiness. However, I let go of my edge, and allowed it to be ground down with feelings of fear, uncertainty, and doubt.
I spent the last year ignoring and questioning my thoughts .. ignored the truth staring me square in the face, even when people I respected shouted about the certainty I already knew in my core, and allowed my emotions to dictate my thoughts and actions.
That is why these last few months have been so damn pleasant (aside from the minor inconvenience of having all my earthly possessions either sold or held hostage from me). I started thinking with my damn brain instead of letting my heart cloud my judgment. That's why I could discuss my failed relationship without breaking down, why I have managed to hold down three jobs and make a great deal of money to replace some of my lost possessions, even better develop friendships that I allowed to atrophy, as well as formulate new ones.
I started using my brain, and quit letting my heart dictate my thoughts.
I am me again. I am BACK. It is definitely time to celebrate.