Just fed up
I have just about had it. I can't deal anymore. I want two things by the end of highschool; to fix my fucking back problems caused by my arm, and find a tight group of friends. I don't feel like i have eaither. I have friends, but I think they don't hold me as high as i hold them, and that's not healthy. Today was not a good day. After school, i went to a thespbian meeting and felt completely alienated, because i was a "prep". Maya remarked several times about how how trendy i looked today, and i just felt like a fucking criminal for being there. I felt like i couldn't say, or suggest anything without getting a nasty look, or some remark like...what are you thinking, coming to drama? Get back to the senate room or something! And today at the swim meet i didn't feel a part of the guy swimmers there either! Maybe it's cause i do drama, maybe it's cause i didn't swim in the summer, and it sucks because i try. i try so bad to just BELONG to something or a group of friends. I was ecstatic this weekend. In Chicago, at all-state rehearsel was the first time i felt like i BELONGED. I had the fortunate oppurtunity of spending twelve hours a day with some really talented people, just acting! I know everyone's name in the cast now, I know where they go to school, i know what foods they like, it felt like a secondary family! I mean, five or six perfectly STRAIGHT guys busted out singing songs from RENT!!! (Man, how unfortunate, cause you know that's like...the queerest thing though, right?) I felt so a part of everything going on up there ......and then i came home. All through middle school i was told highschool would be so much better, and this festering hell of a place was only temporary. Then i actually got to highschool, and realized my naivity. Next i was told that junior and senior year are when you true friends congeal. Well so far, things aren't looking so good. At drama, i feel to preppy and at swimming i feel to geeky, and uhhhhh! I can't do this anymore. i just can't do this. things really need to change.