[ethics, computers] Macworld to Seduce Mac Geeks
How to Seduce a Mac Geek:
A Macworld Sex Guide
Violet Blue
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2007/01/11/violetblue.DTL
Thursday, January 11, 2007
When considering a sex partner, do you think about what operating system they're using? Are you like me and have never knowingly had sex with a Windows user? Or are you just wondering what all the business is about, not just at Macworld this week but also with Mac geeks in general? Well, we're all in luck because Macworld is in full swing right now, and the city is filthy with all that user-friendly Mac ass. Oh yes: Macworld is like captivity for sexy geeks, and this week they're all in season.
What is it about Mac enthusiasts that has ordinary women and men surveying bedpost (or MacBook) notches and emitting a fearful cackle while overwhelmed with evil satisfaction at conquering each morsel of this nerdy prey? Why does a conventioneer brandishing a MacBook Pro cause ordinary passersby to suddenly exhibit a "take no prisoners" attitude -- and also want to play the warden, if you get my drift?
First of all, we're in San Francisco -- so you know we're all AC-DC and OS X. Yes, Macs are stylish. Yes, their multimedia capabilities mean that porn looks great and is easy to watch and create. And yes, if you think about sex in terms of Tiger vs. Windows you want the system that says "grrr" and not the one that, having just crashed, kneels at the foot of the bed and promises: "Baby, next time it'll be good. I promise. We don't need to use virus protection -- I got that all fixed, baby. Really, it won't be like last time. ..." And we don't need Steve Jobs telling us the way to share music files is to share an earbud with that someone sexy.
Oh no. You can tell by how they walk, male or female, that they've had a bite of that Apple. It's obvious that the Mac user is just waiting to be uncorked like a bottle of foamy champagne -- and with a few precise techniques, it's playtime at the Genius Bar in no time. And there are so many Mac geeks in town, it's practically our civic duty to find out what kind of hot widget-on-widget action gets them through the night. So I offer to you this: a Macworld sex guide.
Identify Your Prey
They are, right now in fact, walking around with little signs around their necks that say, "Come get me." Actually they say "Macworld," but it's nice that someone tagged these sexy beasts before releasing them back into the wild.
Cruising Tips, Mac Style
Lube up your laptop and tease open iChat AV. Use Bonjour to network with someone you know must have a hot Burn folder. You know what that iSight is for. When you see the hot Mac geek of your dreams lingering over the sleek Incase armbands, send out sexed-up body language and flirt openly with their on-display fetish: Make eye contact with their iPod, blush, look away, then back to the iPod. Caress a Cinema display. Fondle an Apple wireless Mighty Mouse for just a second too long.
Avoid Opening Lines About Intel
Also, don't jump the gun and start talking about the OS X Tiger Family Pack. This is probably the one time you'll be able to deliver the nerdiest opening pickup line about your second-generation Shuffle you ever imagined and have it work out for the best. You need to make what they call in science-fiction movies "first contact." Mars, meet Venus; Harry, meet Sally; Sigourney, meet aliens; Nano, meet dock. Here are a few suggestions:
Getting It On: No Black Turtleneck Required
Or maybe the turtleneck is the only thing you both require. ... Regardless, it's time for some serious iSync. When it's a Mac-on-Mac equation, you never need to explain that your idea of foreplay is five minutes in the iTunes store -- downloading some hot erotic podcasts, of course. Start by examining each other's features. Make sure all your ports are compatible, and remember there's a connection kit for every desire: uploading, downloading or power issues. Don't worry about memory: It's all in the past, baby -- size up the hard drive and pass the lube. Is it a Duo? Bonus.
Things to know: Keep an eye on wayward earbud cords during oral sex to avoid choking. MacBook power cables make for unsafe whips: Try spanking him or her with an iPod AV cable, instead. Doggy style is great for the two of you to watch that iSight iPhoto slide show you just made, but missionary position with a MacBook Pro 17-inch may result in broken teeth. Mac Minis can hold a bottle of lube, one sex toy and a few condoms -- more than that is asking for a system crash. The Belkin Clamp-On Surge Protector is for experienced players only. And the newly announced iPhone, contrary to rumors and initial reports, is not anal safe.
A Macworld Sex Guide
Violet Blue
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2007/01/11/violetblue.DTL
Thursday, January 11, 2007
When considering a sex partner, do you think about what operating system they're using? Are you like me and have never knowingly had sex with a Windows user? Or are you just wondering what all the business is about, not just at Macworld this week but also with Mac geeks in general? Well, we're all in luck because Macworld is in full swing right now, and the city is filthy with all that user-friendly Mac ass. Oh yes: Macworld is like captivity for sexy geeks, and this week they're all in season.
What is it about Mac enthusiasts that has ordinary women and men surveying bedpost (or MacBook) notches and emitting a fearful cackle while overwhelmed with evil satisfaction at conquering each morsel of this nerdy prey? Why does a conventioneer brandishing a MacBook Pro cause ordinary passersby to suddenly exhibit a "take no prisoners" attitude -- and also want to play the warden, if you get my drift?
First of all, we're in San Francisco -- so you know we're all AC-DC and OS X. Yes, Macs are stylish. Yes, their multimedia capabilities mean that porn looks great and is easy to watch and create. And yes, if you think about sex in terms of Tiger vs. Windows you want the system that says "grrr" and not the one that, having just crashed, kneels at the foot of the bed and promises: "Baby, next time it'll be good. I promise. We don't need to use virus protection -- I got that all fixed, baby. Really, it won't be like last time. ..." And we don't need Steve Jobs telling us the way to share music files is to share an earbud with that someone sexy.
Oh no. You can tell by how they walk, male or female, that they've had a bite of that Apple. It's obvious that the Mac user is just waiting to be uncorked like a bottle of foamy champagne -- and with a few precise techniques, it's playtime at the Genius Bar in no time. And there are so many Mac geeks in town, it's practically our civic duty to find out what kind of hot widget-on-widget action gets them through the night. So I offer to you this: a Macworld sex guide.
Identify Your Prey
They are, right now in fact, walking around with little signs around their necks that say, "Come get me." Actually they say "Macworld," but it's nice that someone tagged these sexy beasts before releasing them back into the wild.
Cruising Tips, Mac Style
Lube up your laptop and tease open iChat AV. Use Bonjour to network with someone you know must have a hot Burn folder. You know what that iSight is for. When you see the hot Mac geek of your dreams lingering over the sleek Incase armbands, send out sexed-up body language and flirt openly with their on-display fetish: Make eye contact with their iPod, blush, look away, then back to the iPod. Caress a Cinema display. Fondle an Apple wireless Mighty Mouse for just a second too long.
Avoid Opening Lines About Intel
Also, don't jump the gun and start talking about the OS X Tiger Family Pack. This is probably the one time you'll be able to deliver the nerdiest opening pickup line about your second-generation Shuffle you ever imagined and have it work out for the best. You need to make what they call in science-fiction movies "first contact." Mars, meet Venus; Harry, meet Sally; Sigourney, meet aliens; Nano, meet dock. Here are a few suggestions:
- Talk about the Moscone Convention Center. Examples: "What's that smell? Isn't that old Greyhound bus station carpet smell romantic?" "Isn't the security here great/awful/in violation of my civil rights/apocalyptic?" "Are the bathrooms on 5th or 6th Street? Isn't there a shuttle?" "I've been here for 10 days. Do you know the way out?"
- Talk about the reason you're there. "How long have you been a fan of DRM?" "This is one of my favorite places to get free pens with URLs printed on them. Do you like branded Post-its, too?" "The after-parties here are legendary. Did you hear what happened last year at the O'Reilly booth with the Crisco and a stack of Make magazines?"
- Think of things you can do together. Say: "Let's go pay $10 for a cup of coffee!" "Want to share a $5 stale bagel while standing in the hall?" "Is it true that iKlean monitor wipes are aphrodisiacs?"
- Special, for hot Mac software nerds trapped in booths: "I dropped my Shuffle under your display table. And my earbuds. Mind if I feel around for them?"
Getting It On: No Black Turtleneck Required
Or maybe the turtleneck is the only thing you both require. ... Regardless, it's time for some serious iSync. When it's a Mac-on-Mac equation, you never need to explain that your idea of foreplay is five minutes in the iTunes store -- downloading some hot erotic podcasts, of course. Start by examining each other's features. Make sure all your ports are compatible, and remember there's a connection kit for every desire: uploading, downloading or power issues. Don't worry about memory: It's all in the past, baby -- size up the hard drive and pass the lube. Is it a Duo? Bonus.
Things to know: Keep an eye on wayward earbud cords during oral sex to avoid choking. MacBook power cables make for unsafe whips: Try spanking him or her with an iPod AV cable, instead. Doggy style is great for the two of you to watch that iSight iPhoto slide show you just made, but missionary position with a MacBook Pro 17-inch may result in broken teeth. Mac Minis can hold a bottle of lube, one sex toy and a few condoms -- more than that is asking for a system crash. The Belkin Clamp-On Surge Protector is for experienced players only. And the newly announced iPhone, contrary to rumors and initial reports, is not anal safe.