(no subject)
ok this is just going to sound like compleate rambling so i appoliguise in advance to whoever is gonna read this. and i also thank you. :-) ok well some of you know i left my house for a couple days. i didn't go home for 3 days. don't worry i stayed with a friend. my dad and i had a fight. but he said something i won't ever forget. that i wasn't welcome in my house. that if i keep doing things like i keep doing then he's gonna kick me out. of course when i talked to him last night he didn't remember saying that. i knew that was going to happen though. he's loseing more and more of his memory everyday. i know he loves me though he just can't or doesn't know how to show it. it sucks but i can understand it. not that i should have to just "understand" it. oh well things are back to normal. well at least for a while but i plan on haveing my own place before it happens again. i need out more than any one of you can understand. so i can stop hurting other people. i don't need to have people around my craziness and it's even worse when i'm at home. i'm smothered around here and even if i wasn't it isn't big enough around here for me to grow my wings. HA HA maybe people will understand. i went back and read it and it sounds like what most people go though anyways. so i take back that statement. i don't know i just wish i belonged to something. that i was needed in some way. i mean even growing apart from friends that weren't even very close to begin with. i've never belonged to any group and more often than not i'm just a nussince. I'm sorry to those of you that i've hurt and that i'm innevidibly going to hurt. i care a lot about each of you. unfortunatly though i've buried so much of my emotion that i have no way of showing it. but now it's too late to fix what i've already done. i've fallen out of touch with everyone and everything around me. i've drifted from an existance that other people know of to one that i even have to ask myself if anyone sees me. i know people do though it's just i don't know i'm not close to anyone anymore. i can't just break down and have someone there to just listen. i understand you each have your own life so i'm not blameing anybody. this weight i've been carring is unbareable and there hasn't been any relief with anything i've tried so far. so i'm gonna try something different today. right now. every person i can remember i'm gonna write what i really want or wanted to say to them and never took the chance to open up.
Kara: it's been a long long time since we last talked. i miss you a lot i wish we could catch up someday. but i don't know if it'll ever happen because i have no idea where you are anymore. last i heard you went to live with your mom and that was nine years ago.
Patrick: you fucking jackass.. you have no idea what you've done to me with that crap you pulled. i can't stand that you did that. it took me years after that for anybody to touch me again. you're a fucking jackass. and i called you a friend.
Max: thanks.. that really all i could say. you befriended me on my first day in a new school and we were friends almost the entire time we were in school together. i did hold a grudge so i'm sorry for that.
Matt: you're insane. like really really insane. i'm hopeing things are going well for you though. heard you graduated. hope you got out of your house before you ended up like your brothers.
My graduateing class: you were right i didn't go to college right out of high school. i still hope i make it into college but it's gonna be really tough now. thanks to the few of you that took time out of your business to talk to me in a class or two. i never meant to step on any toes by being pulled up into ninth grade but i guess the majority of you felt like i didn't belong there.
Kayla: I love you... i never told you and i won't get another chance. maybe it's wrong but it is what it is. good luck with life and i hope you get everything you deserve and then-some.
the drama troupe: guess i didn't get to know much of you too well. wish i could have but that's what happens when you start something late.
lydia: thanks.. really you are great and you even listened to my random ramblings of nothing. i'm sorry you've had your problems i hope they get better for you. and thanks again for listening to me.
Rose: I never lied to you. always told you straight up. you are something really special and you can't just settle. and with alex that's what you were doing. you derserve a lot better. better even than Todd and Bruce.
Elise: thanks for the last few days. just talking things over was nice. helped calm me down a lot. i thank you and your parents for just being there and welcomeing me for that short time.
Luke: man you're the one i've known the longest out of anybody on this list. you've helped though so much and have always been there for me. tell me straight up what you think and tell me as much about your problems as much as i tell you. we're twin brothers from different mothers. you were the only thing that stopped me from ending my story early. you've blessed my life by being there for me. and to think that we met so long ago. i feel really badly for what i did to you and what you're going though now. i'd take on all your pain if i could. i'll always be here for you.
Kara: it's been a long long time since we last talked. i miss you a lot i wish we could catch up someday. but i don't know if it'll ever happen because i have no idea where you are anymore. last i heard you went to live with your mom and that was nine years ago.
Patrick: you fucking jackass.. you have no idea what you've done to me with that crap you pulled. i can't stand that you did that. it took me years after that for anybody to touch me again. you're a fucking jackass. and i called you a friend.
Max: thanks.. that really all i could say. you befriended me on my first day in a new school and we were friends almost the entire time we were in school together. i did hold a grudge so i'm sorry for that.
Matt: you're insane. like really really insane. i'm hopeing things are going well for you though. heard you graduated. hope you got out of your house before you ended up like your brothers.
My graduateing class: you were right i didn't go to college right out of high school. i still hope i make it into college but it's gonna be really tough now. thanks to the few of you that took time out of your business to talk to me in a class or two. i never meant to step on any toes by being pulled up into ninth grade but i guess the majority of you felt like i didn't belong there.
Kayla: I love you... i never told you and i won't get another chance. maybe it's wrong but it is what it is. good luck with life and i hope you get everything you deserve and then-some.
the drama troupe: guess i didn't get to know much of you too well. wish i could have but that's what happens when you start something late.
lydia: thanks.. really you are great and you even listened to my random ramblings of nothing. i'm sorry you've had your problems i hope they get better for you. and thanks again for listening to me.
Rose: I never lied to you. always told you straight up. you are something really special and you can't just settle. and with alex that's what you were doing. you derserve a lot better. better even than Todd and Bruce.
Elise: thanks for the last few days. just talking things over was nice. helped calm me down a lot. i thank you and your parents for just being there and welcomeing me for that short time.
Luke: man you're the one i've known the longest out of anybody on this list. you've helped though so much and have always been there for me. tell me straight up what you think and tell me as much about your problems as much as i tell you. we're twin brothers from different mothers. you were the only thing that stopped me from ending my story early. you've blessed my life by being there for me. and to think that we met so long ago. i feel really badly for what i did to you and what you're going though now. i'd take on all your pain if i could. i'll always be here for you.