Yeah, we've all got an anxiety closet...
It’s rather upsetting when anxiety about being perfect makes you want to not go into work. When I have to give myself a pep talk in the car because I feel like I’m not good enough, and I don’t even want to walk into the office because I’m feeling so fucking overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I haven’t learned yet and the amount of work that I have to pull off in the next couple of weeks.
I know some of it is that I’ve been sick and I’m still dragging trying to recover. And the fact that Aunt Flo just showed up isn’t helping any (I always am at my most emotionally fragile when she shows up. Bitch.) And some of the problem is just stress and anxiety. With the deadline for the beat of Shiny New Project a week away, I’m starting to feel it.
But I can’t help feeling like some of the problem is that I never learned how to be a beginner. How to be patient with myself while I slowly work my way through the learning curve for something that can’t be mastered easily. I’m not used to not knowing what I’m doing. I’m not used to asking for help. I’m not used to needing to have someone else teach me something. I’m totally daunted (and somewhat freaked out by) just how damn much stuff I don’t know about my new job yet.
And today it all sort of caught up with me and I almost had a little freak out/meltdown in the car before I managed to pull myself together and walk into the office.
Realistically I know I'll be fine. I got SO MUCH done this week. We could ship on Monday with what I've already got written and we'd be OK. I have five more work days to finish polishing this and tracking down answers to all my many questions. And it's only going to a handful of customers. But I'm still freaking out. I know I'm being ridiculous. But that's where I'm at right now. Trying to force the beasties back into the anxiety closet where they belong.
OMG do I need this weekend.
I know some of it is that I’ve been sick and I’m still dragging trying to recover. And the fact that Aunt Flo just showed up isn’t helping any (I always am at my most emotionally fragile when she shows up. Bitch.) And some of the problem is just stress and anxiety. With the deadline for the beat of Shiny New Project a week away, I’m starting to feel it.
But I can’t help feeling like some of the problem is that I never learned how to be a beginner. How to be patient with myself while I slowly work my way through the learning curve for something that can’t be mastered easily. I’m not used to not knowing what I’m doing. I’m not used to asking for help. I’m not used to needing to have someone else teach me something. I’m totally daunted (and somewhat freaked out by) just how damn much stuff I don’t know about my new job yet.
And today it all sort of caught up with me and I almost had a little freak out/meltdown in the car before I managed to pull myself together and walk into the office.
Realistically I know I'll be fine. I got SO MUCH done this week. We could ship on Monday with what I've already got written and we'd be OK. I have five more work days to finish polishing this and tracking down answers to all my many questions. And it's only going to a handful of customers. But I'm still freaking out. I know I'm being ridiculous. But that's where I'm at right now. Trying to force the beasties back into the anxiety closet where they belong.
OMG do I need this weekend.