(no subject)
I'm not quite sure what to say, how to say it or where to start.
It's been so long since I've posted here, but putting my feelings up on the dartboard on facebook just doesn't seem wise.
I have-had a friend. A really close friend whom I considered a close sister in Christ and an amazing, strong, positive individual. Well, I'm not quite sure if she would consider me a friend anymore (okay I know she wouldn't), and I'm hurting really bad. All I hear from her is anger and all I feel is extreme grief. Why do so many of my closest friends choose to turn on me? No, don't answer that. I'm making myself out to seem like a poor hapless victim. "Boohoo everyone hates me and I've done nothing wrong." Maybe I have, maybe I haven't.
I've sent her a message to encourage this strong woman to stay on the path that is true. I've seen her slipping away from following God and she has always been open and completely willing to listen to my advice. I send the advice, I get daggers in my chest. How can words online hurt so much? Why do people want to hurt you? I guess I've never been the one to say strong words to a close friend like that so I don't understand. I've had two good friendships that I broke up for differing reasons, but it was always through considerable thought, back-and-forth communication and a level head. Am I being passive-aggressive by implying that this friendship was broken up in the opposite terms?
Uguu.
It seems like all the people outside of my family that I care about the most don't care about me enough to work though problems in a friendship. One disagreement - and I mean ONE - and two of the people that mean the most in my life have flipped out on me and cut me off. I feel so hurt right now that I just don't know. I don't know! What should I say? Should I talk this through? I was told not to contact them again! So I won't. I won't. I won't, but it's going to hurt me so much. Well, I'm sounding like a blubbering child right now. I guess I sort of am at the moment. Friends can really cut you more than anything else. She was one of two people in the entire world outside of my family that I could say "I love you" to and mean it completely. She was like a sister to me! I... I.
I don't think I have the words.
Last time this happened between me and a friend, I cried for hours (working on that now) and lost all appetite for a week. I can't imagine how much it will hurt if I ever get in a serious dating relationship with someone!
Some morbid part of me wonders "If she saw this message would she even care?" Yeah I know, I'm probably vilifying her. But if you had read what I read in that message.... it was so filled with rage and absolute hate! How can you go from being someone's best friend one week, and hating them the next? I don't understand! I don't UNDERSTAND! I suppose in this darkness there is the light of my family always being there to support me, and the encouragement that God's feelings never change for me. I'm trying to find something positive here.
Now I'm just tired.
I'm sure there's something I've done wrong - I just can't think of it in this state.
EDIT:
The thing is, I know most of her deep dark secrets. I know how much she has been hurt in the past and the things she has done. But I accept her for who she is and who she will be. Why can't I be accepted? What's so wrong with me that I can't be loved back? We have SO much in common and our friendship was so strong! The night before I left she climbed into my hotel window and stayed with me until I flew away to another base. How can all that be so easily forgotten? I know what sort of life she has had - it had some very very dark twists and turns - but I didn't dislike her for it. She grew into what she is now because she overcame! And now she's falling into a niche she had before. Does she think I don't accept her, though? Does she think I hate her and want her to be exactly what I want her to be? She calls me to Christianly and she says that she won't live up to my standards. I thought we were friends enough for her to realize that I won't judge her. Challenge her because I love her and want her to succeed and grow in Christ, yes. Hate? No. Having this huge wash of emotions is seriously drowning. I guess one thing about 60 minutes of crying is that it will be easy to fall asleep! Yay for being positive (but not really)!
EDIT2:
Maybe she never really loved me back? Maybe she didn't really care about our friendship? I say that, but... no. She said it so often and her actions showed such unselfishness and affection. I guess I can't believe that all that can be torn away so easily. How do you love someone and then decide not to? If I make a mistake, isn't the love of a friend supposed to allow them to forgive you? And you know what? I've never talked bad about her, never judged her, never lied to her, never tried to hurt her, nothing! I've made her laugh, confided in her, given and received advice, been there for her when she needed someone. Is this the sign of a codependent? I don't think so, but when I list everything out it sort of sounds like it. But it's probably not. I'm just over-thinking. My mind is distressed. To put it mildly.
EDIT3:
If she knew me... if she really knew me... she would know that anything that I said that might have offended her was said in love and concern, not judgement and scorn. Why does it seem like everyone who is close to me misinterprets me? (outside of my own family)
No. I shouldn't play that card. Sometimes people assume you're trying to hurt them because they've been hurt in the past by people. Maybe that's it. Maybe. I'm trying to talk reason into this whole fiasco. Maybe she'll come back... but I'm honestly not sure if our friendship will be the same. I don't know! How can the nicest girl I've ever ever everrr met say such mean things? I feel like my whole world is re-arranging. I need to stop ranting. But maybe this will help me calm down. Maybe I'll read this later and realize how silly I am being and just delete this. Yeah! Yeah Sarah! Stay falsely positive!
EDIT4:
It's March 10, 2013 now. When I looked back at this post, it just occurred to me that all this drama went down 3 days before my birthday. Ouch. That really rips a bit of scar tissue off my heart. My day was going great until I noticed the date issue. Funny how something small like that can hurt so much. I mean, it's not like she planned on not being my friend for a birthday present. I suppose that a birthday can mean more to you than you expect. Every now and then, something will remind me of Angela and some painful nostalgia sets in. I'm not sure if the pain of our friendship will ever really go away - perhaps it is the feeling of unfinished business, since we never got to talk it out. It hurts when you get so involved into a relationship like that, just to have it fall apart. Once again, I will state how scared I am of dating. If this is how badly a sour friendship can hurt, how much more so when you are looking for someone who will be a special companion - more than what a friend can give you - and it all goes wrong. /angst
It's been so long since I've posted here, but putting my feelings up on the dartboard on facebook just doesn't seem wise.
I have-had a friend. A really close friend whom I considered a close sister in Christ and an amazing, strong, positive individual. Well, I'm not quite sure if she would consider me a friend anymore (okay I know she wouldn't), and I'm hurting really bad. All I hear from her is anger and all I feel is extreme grief. Why do so many of my closest friends choose to turn on me? No, don't answer that. I'm making myself out to seem like a poor hapless victim. "Boohoo everyone hates me and I've done nothing wrong." Maybe I have, maybe I haven't.
I've sent her a message to encourage this strong woman to stay on the path that is true. I've seen her slipping away from following God and she has always been open and completely willing to listen to my advice. I send the advice, I get daggers in my chest. How can words online hurt so much? Why do people want to hurt you? I guess I've never been the one to say strong words to a close friend like that so I don't understand. I've had two good friendships that I broke up for differing reasons, but it was always through considerable thought, back-and-forth communication and a level head. Am I being passive-aggressive by implying that this friendship was broken up in the opposite terms?
Uguu.
It seems like all the people outside of my family that I care about the most don't care about me enough to work though problems in a friendship. One disagreement - and I mean ONE - and two of the people that mean the most in my life have flipped out on me and cut me off. I feel so hurt right now that I just don't know. I don't know! What should I say? Should I talk this through? I was told not to contact them again! So I won't. I won't. I won't, but it's going to hurt me so much. Well, I'm sounding like a blubbering child right now. I guess I sort of am at the moment. Friends can really cut you more than anything else. She was one of two people in the entire world outside of my family that I could say "I love you" to and mean it completely. She was like a sister to me! I... I.
I don't think I have the words.
Last time this happened between me and a friend, I cried for hours (working on that now) and lost all appetite for a week. I can't imagine how much it will hurt if I ever get in a serious dating relationship with someone!
Some morbid part of me wonders "If she saw this message would she even care?" Yeah I know, I'm probably vilifying her. But if you had read what I read in that message.... it was so filled with rage and absolute hate! How can you go from being someone's best friend one week, and hating them the next? I don't understand! I don't UNDERSTAND! I suppose in this darkness there is the light of my family always being there to support me, and the encouragement that God's feelings never change for me. I'm trying to find something positive here.
Now I'm just tired.
I'm sure there's something I've done wrong - I just can't think of it in this state.
EDIT:
The thing is, I know most of her deep dark secrets. I know how much she has been hurt in the past and the things she has done. But I accept her for who she is and who she will be. Why can't I be accepted? What's so wrong with me that I can't be loved back? We have SO much in common and our friendship was so strong! The night before I left she climbed into my hotel window and stayed with me until I flew away to another base. How can all that be so easily forgotten? I know what sort of life she has had - it had some very very dark twists and turns - but I didn't dislike her for it. She grew into what she is now because she overcame! And now she's falling into a niche she had before. Does she think I don't accept her, though? Does she think I hate her and want her to be exactly what I want her to be? She calls me to Christianly and she says that she won't live up to my standards. I thought we were friends enough for her to realize that I won't judge her. Challenge her because I love her and want her to succeed and grow in Christ, yes. Hate? No. Having this huge wash of emotions is seriously drowning. I guess one thing about 60 minutes of crying is that it will be easy to fall asleep! Yay for being positive (but not really)!
EDIT2:
Maybe she never really loved me back? Maybe she didn't really care about our friendship? I say that, but... no. She said it so often and her actions showed such unselfishness and affection. I guess I can't believe that all that can be torn away so easily. How do you love someone and then decide not to? If I make a mistake, isn't the love of a friend supposed to allow them to forgive you? And you know what? I've never talked bad about her, never judged her, never lied to her, never tried to hurt her, nothing! I've made her laugh, confided in her, given and received advice, been there for her when she needed someone. Is this the sign of a codependent? I don't think so, but when I list everything out it sort of sounds like it. But it's probably not. I'm just over-thinking. My mind is distressed. To put it mildly.
EDIT3:
If she knew me... if she really knew me... she would know that anything that I said that might have offended her was said in love and concern, not judgement and scorn. Why does it seem like everyone who is close to me misinterprets me? (outside of my own family)
No. I shouldn't play that card. Sometimes people assume you're trying to hurt them because they've been hurt in the past by people. Maybe that's it. Maybe. I'm trying to talk reason into this whole fiasco. Maybe she'll come back... but I'm honestly not sure if our friendship will be the same. I don't know! How can the nicest girl I've ever ever everrr met say such mean things? I feel like my whole world is re-arranging. I need to stop ranting. But maybe this will help me calm down. Maybe I'll read this later and realize how silly I am being and just delete this. Yeah! Yeah Sarah! Stay falsely positive!
EDIT4:
It's March 10, 2013 now. When I looked back at this post, it just occurred to me that all this drama went down 3 days before my birthday. Ouch. That really rips a bit of scar tissue off my heart. My day was going great until I noticed the date issue. Funny how something small like that can hurt so much. I mean, it's not like she planned on not being my friend for a birthday present. I suppose that a birthday can mean more to you than you expect. Every now and then, something will remind me of Angela and some painful nostalgia sets in. I'm not sure if the pain of our friendship will ever really go away - perhaps it is the feeling of unfinished business, since we never got to talk it out. It hurts when you get so involved into a relationship like that, just to have it fall apart. Once again, I will state how scared I am of dating. If this is how badly a sour friendship can hurt, how much more so when you are looking for someone who will be a special companion - more than what a friend can give you - and it all goes wrong. /angst