i wish i could be happy right now, but i can't
there r a lot of things that r goin on that upset me..today especially..i should be writing my lesson plans for my unit that i will be teaching either starting this thursday or next monday, but i just can't get all the negativity that i have bottled up in me to just go away..i've talked to quite a list of pple tonight too that i thought would help, but when i think of it right now, it wasn't enough. the only person that i felt like helped the most was miss margaret..i'm so glad that i saw her tonight even under the circumstances. the reason y she helped the most is cuz we got to talk about things for about 2 hours and she can totally relate to what i'm going thru. i don't even know where to begin..this'll just have to be all over the place, so if u r trying to follow along and can't, i'm sorry ahead of time. tonight was rima's calling hours. i'm really glad that i got to go, but still feel horrible. she was my idol when it came to ultimate. she taught me a lot and i wanted to be just like her. her criticism never made me feel like i did something wrong and to feel bad about it; she always knew how to help any one on the team who was struggling in any way. and like dana, who was a captain of the kent women's team a lil while back, i was also thought of to look like rima..mainly cuz i would wear my skirts and tall socks and especially when i would wear a visor. i'm no where near as good as she was, but i hope to someday come pretty close. it was really sad to say goodbye to her tonight. even though i only knew her thru club ultimate and i never really got to hang out with her except for the one whodat?! party we had, she was someone who really touched my life. i looked up to her and valued everything she said. i'm goin to miss her a lot. on a different, still disappointing note, there's the battle between my parents. my mom has a new bf. i think things started way too fast between them, but i was still happy for her cuz ever since she got divorced she was sayin that she really wanted to meet a man that she could marry and be the last man that she'd be with..i think every girl hopes for only marrying one man and stayin with him for her whole life..but, no offense to my mom, but she's been thru 2 divorces. i never ever want to be in that situation ever again, whether it being one of my parents going thru one or me. i just won't stand for it. well, so my mom didn't tell my dad about her new bf and her getaways on the weekend to his lake house out in who knows where..but somehow he knew about it when i called him today to let him know how my new car is running(which is good, thank God) and i heard some really hurtful things come out of my dad's mouth. i've always been the one in the middle of their divorced relationship. i hear both sides, and today it went too far. i should've demanded from my dad to stop telling me his thoughts that i think were really immature and not necessary for me to hear at all about my mom. i know my dad is just angry and i'm assuming jealous, but this is something i don't want to be in the middle of. he said today that he is never going to speak to my mom ever again and sounded pretty sure of it. that just makes me think of times down the road where that could cause drama that takes away from the events that should be celebrated.. like my brother's graduation for instance, they r both going..or if sonnie has a baby, or for charles and my future weddings..i don't know..i know that it is hard to move on and accept that the one u love(d) found someone new, but my dad really hurt my feelings. he made me feel like i had to take sides or something. and i won't do that. i mean i'm happy for my mom to have found someone that truly cares about her and shows and tells her everyday, i wish my dad could find the same. but with all the negativity my dad has built up inside of him with his stupid job and bosses and all the responsibility his band gives him and doesn't split up, he's not gonna find someone willing to hear that all the time. and then thinking about him saying he's never goin to speak to her again, that makes me think well then what about grandma? my dad doesn't have his parents nemore..he has his brothers that he sees sometimes, but i know grandma means a lot to him..i don't want their relationship to change..especially for holidays..i want my dad to be able to see everyone together..i dunno..i'm just unhappy with the situation he's in, and it kills me cuz i feel like i can't do or say a thing to help him get out or over it..especially with all that he's done for me. i really want to try, but i don't know how much of the verbal abuse(towards my mom) that i can take. also, i'm sick of getting my hopes up..i do that way too often. margaret can relate, so it was good talkin to her about it. but we both still feel like there's nothing we can really do about it. i dunno..i'm just unhappy right now..i'm gonna go to bed and hopefully that'll help me relax a little. i start my new tutoring job tomorrow morning at 7:45..that should be interesting and cristen will give me my painting of dan during my breaks from schools. i can't wait to hang that up. neway..i can't wait to go dancing this thursday. i'm going to have the time of my life, hopefully with pple i enjoy being with. i miss dancing so much..
good night
good night