White chocolate mocha, and manga... alone.... on a rainy day
It's cold, rainy, and depressing. Don't get me wrong, I love the rain. Hell I even went out and walked in it for a while. It was nice. It was cold when it hit my face, and it wasn't like it was pouring.
I spent the majority of my morning watching Buffy season two and eating a candy bar(REAL HEALTHY ENO) Then, I got restless and went to Barnes and Noble. By myself. I sat in the corner and read Hot Gimick(a shojo manga/romance). I enjoyed it. I had never actually brought myself to read it. One of the main characters resembled Calvin. My character(created him in 7th grade out of sheer lonliness)... for some reason this ticked me off... When I finally read it, he was so much like Calvin it tweaked me out. Then I came to a startaling realization. I am attracted to awkward guys. But I have never had the pleasure of going out with one. All the guys I have dated have been cocky and sure of themselves. Especially the ones who maybe... should reconsider this. I HATE COCKY GUYS!! I hate them with a burning passion. I hate cockiness at all... Girls included. These guys who have these huge egos and just ASSUME they are far better then you. Or are just dating you out of the sheer easiness... I don't think ANY of the guys I ever dated, went out with or had a semi-serious relationship was even remotely attracted to me. Even in my days when I wasn't as big as a walrus. One even told me that he wasn't attracted to me. How can you date someone you don't even like?? Or think they're pretty?
My own friends feel like I am just the priority... like they don't really want to be around me. It's like they just have to be around me... for the sake to save their faces... Noone really knows me... and the few who do have other friends... who they need to spend time with.. I suppose I'm jealous. I'm jealous because i'm alone. It would be ok if I had all these people to hang out with... but I don't.. I feel like I'm drowning... slowly and painfully slipping into my own pain and depression...
I have an un-attractive personality. I watch people... read too much into the way the act and react around me. I'm sensative and loud. I poke and prod... But I geuss... at this point I refuse to change who I am just because people hate me. Some day... someone will appreciate me for who I am. I might be 35 when this finally happens... but someday it will.
I just have to wait for someone to accept me for all my faults.
One day...
I'll just wait.
I spent the majority of my morning watching Buffy season two and eating a candy bar(REAL HEALTHY ENO) Then, I got restless and went to Barnes and Noble. By myself. I sat in the corner and read Hot Gimick(a shojo manga/romance). I enjoyed it. I had never actually brought myself to read it. One of the main characters resembled Calvin. My character(created him in 7th grade out of sheer lonliness)... for some reason this ticked me off... When I finally read it, he was so much like Calvin it tweaked me out. Then I came to a startaling realization. I am attracted to awkward guys. But I have never had the pleasure of going out with one. All the guys I have dated have been cocky and sure of themselves. Especially the ones who maybe... should reconsider this. I HATE COCKY GUYS!! I hate them with a burning passion. I hate cockiness at all... Girls included. These guys who have these huge egos and just ASSUME they are far better then you. Or are just dating you out of the sheer easiness... I don't think ANY of the guys I ever dated, went out with or had a semi-serious relationship was even remotely attracted to me. Even in my days when I wasn't as big as a walrus. One even told me that he wasn't attracted to me. How can you date someone you don't even like?? Or think they're pretty?
My own friends feel like I am just the priority... like they don't really want to be around me. It's like they just have to be around me... for the sake to save their faces... Noone really knows me... and the few who do have other friends... who they need to spend time with.. I suppose I'm jealous. I'm jealous because i'm alone. It would be ok if I had all these people to hang out with... but I don't.. I feel like I'm drowning... slowly and painfully slipping into my own pain and depression...
I have an un-attractive personality. I watch people... read too much into the way the act and react around me. I'm sensative and loud. I poke and prod... But I geuss... at this point I refuse to change who I am just because people hate me. Some day... someone will appreciate me for who I am. I might be 35 when this finally happens... but someday it will.
I just have to wait for someone to accept me for all my faults.
One day...
I'll just wait.