Since this morning
I've been trying to figure out why she keeps coming back into my life. I really don't get it. Why did I come home to a message this morning from her rubbing her life in my face? Why is she callous and cold hearted? More importantly, why isn't she over my ever being in hers? I just don't get it.
The whole day I kept asking why she's back, why she continues to recur in my life. I kept the attitude of what am I supposed to learn or what is she supposed to do in my life. But what if it's not about me at all, what if it's something I'm supposed to do in her life? I just don't know what that could be. I've been nothing but genuinly nice and courteous to her and she just has the highest of malcontent for me. It saddens me so much that be hated like that, and for particularly no reason. I've gone the whole day feeling ordinary and bland with no real motive for my being. I was polishing my katana and though "Man, it'd be easier to just get killed in a car crash today wouldn't it? I'm young, I haven't had time to fail, my business is nearing completion. I bet it'd make a bigger impact of my passing than if I were to keep going. I bet I could get more done that way". I really don't know which is truer. Either dying young and ambitious, or growing old working hard towards positive ideas. Which do you think? I don't know.
All I know is I can't stop arguing with myself over whether or not I'm truly original. If there's anything I do that comes by my own volition or if I'm simply a replica of all the experiences and influences around me, because that's really how I feel. I give in to everything. I am the embodyment of compromise. Someone tells me to fuck off I ask why? perhaps there is good reason for me to do so? Maybe I should see their point? I just don't know right now. It upsets me the most at the timing in all these things, right now in my life is where I need the most confidence and the most comfort, not doubt. Give me a call or drop a message, seriously. I need any and all support that I can get right now. I know it sounds like a pity party, but, it is. I'm just not strong today.
-b.
The whole day I kept asking why she's back, why she continues to recur in my life. I kept the attitude of what am I supposed to learn or what is she supposed to do in my life. But what if it's not about me at all, what if it's something I'm supposed to do in her life? I just don't know what that could be. I've been nothing but genuinly nice and courteous to her and she just has the highest of malcontent for me. It saddens me so much that be hated like that, and for particularly no reason. I've gone the whole day feeling ordinary and bland with no real motive for my being. I was polishing my katana and though "Man, it'd be easier to just get killed in a car crash today wouldn't it? I'm young, I haven't had time to fail, my business is nearing completion. I bet it'd make a bigger impact of my passing than if I were to keep going. I bet I could get more done that way". I really don't know which is truer. Either dying young and ambitious, or growing old working hard towards positive ideas. Which do you think? I don't know.
All I know is I can't stop arguing with myself over whether or not I'm truly original. If there's anything I do that comes by my own volition or if I'm simply a replica of all the experiences and influences around me, because that's really how I feel. I give in to everything. I am the embodyment of compromise. Someone tells me to fuck off I ask why? perhaps there is good reason for me to do so? Maybe I should see their point? I just don't know right now. It upsets me the most at the timing in all these things, right now in my life is where I need the most confidence and the most comfort, not doubt. Give me a call or drop a message, seriously. I need any and all support that I can get right now. I know it sounds like a pity party, but, it is. I'm just not strong today.
-b.