The Brightest Little Firefly in her Jar
Honestly. WTF? I feel so, I don't even know what I feel. I feel ashamed that I'm not appreciating everything enough. I swear to God it's the catholic in me. I want to feel guilty so badly about everything I have and everything I've ever been given, for all the things I "take for granted" but for fuck sake I appreciate it. I do, I truly do. But there's this burning feeling in my heart as if to say "No, you're really not good enough. You don't deserve any of this. Shit, I don't know how you got it. What's wrong with you? Why can't you go to hell and let other people enjoy it" and I think to myself "But no one else appreciates it. It's never enough for them. Everyone else says "Well once I have this it'll be enough" when it never will be. I made peace with myself long ago and appreciate it all equally" but that damned voice keeps hitting harder and harder into me. It's like I'm trapped in a hall with my mother backing me into the corner with those childhood memories because we only remember the bad ones and never the good. I'm sick of this feeling, I'm sick of not being enough without someone else, I'm sick of wanting to be held so bad that I can't bring myself to touch anyone. I'm so out of contact that it kills me everytime I find anything at all I like in someone. I want the whole world to hold me at this point and my heart is just spiralling farther and farther out of control into the depths of my anxiety. I'm not being poetic, I'm not being artsy, I'm just writing this shit as I feel it. Because I can't take it anymore and I've been saying that for months. I've been saying for months that things need to change and they haven't. But I know I'm doing it. "Once I have this I'll be confident" "once i have this they'll notice me" "Once I lose weight they'll see" my entire life seems based on spite and it tears me apart. I appreciate everything and am genuine to my friends. But this passion missing from life is sending me somewhere I hate being and thought I was out of. Someone take my hand for once.
-b
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