So...Yeah...I've Decided to Return to Therapy...
I've been out of therapy for almost two years, and I really can't complain. Most of that time I've been happy, honestly, and therapy did wonders for me. The main reason I stopped going was monetary. My previous therapist -- who was awesome -- didn't take insurance, so I was paying about $80 a session. After a while, I just couldn't afford this, so I had to stop. Since then I've been working on my growth by myself, and have been doing pretty well, but lately I hit a wall.
I, if you're unaware, have abandonment fears...mostly due to a mother who abandoned me to my alcoholic grandmother when I was three, along with other reasons. These fears creeped up lately for whatever reason, so I tried to dive in and figure out WHY I have these abandonment issues, and I came to a startling -- at least to me -- conclusion.
I don't trust anyone. I've never trusted anyone. Never fully trusted anyone. Ever.
I believed I did, sure. I have a lot of wonderful friends, many whom I consider best friends and confidants that I trust with deeply personal information. However, I've realized there's still a part of myself I keep behind a wall, locked tight and sealed up pretty well.
In thinking on this issue further, I didn't get very far. This, plus my general feelings of being burnt out and stressed out lately, made me decide to go back to therapy, but not my last therapist, sadly. With a new car payment and everything, there's no way I could afford $80 a week. He suggested to maybe come in monthly, but I want to WORK on this problem, and going in once a month is visiting the problem, or having a long-distance relationship with it. No, this would have to be done weekly.
And so, last week, I had my first visit with a therapist in a while, a brand new one at that. Thankfully we hit it off and had a great rapport, so now I'm going to be visiting her weekly (and under my insurance, thankfully).
What will this new journey entail? I have no idea. Am I scared? You betcha. Will that stop me? Hell no. I'm going to work as hard on this as I did against the depression, anxiety and self-esteem (or lack thereof) issues I conquered two years ago.
Why am I telling y'all this? Just to get it off my chest, and because I don't like hiding anything either.
So yeah, that's the big thing in my life lately. Thankfully most things besides this are great, so I can't complain TOO much. ;) However, this trust issue feels pretty big, so it'll be interesting to see what happens in the weeks and months to come.
Anyway, hope y'all are having a lovely day, and thanks for reading. :)
I, if you're unaware, have abandonment fears...mostly due to a mother who abandoned me to my alcoholic grandmother when I was three, along with other reasons. These fears creeped up lately for whatever reason, so I tried to dive in and figure out WHY I have these abandonment issues, and I came to a startling -- at least to me -- conclusion.
I don't trust anyone. I've never trusted anyone. Never fully trusted anyone. Ever.
I believed I did, sure. I have a lot of wonderful friends, many whom I consider best friends and confidants that I trust with deeply personal information. However, I've realized there's still a part of myself I keep behind a wall, locked tight and sealed up pretty well.
In thinking on this issue further, I didn't get very far. This, plus my general feelings of being burnt out and stressed out lately, made me decide to go back to therapy, but not my last therapist, sadly. With a new car payment and everything, there's no way I could afford $80 a week. He suggested to maybe come in monthly, but I want to WORK on this problem, and going in once a month is visiting the problem, or having a long-distance relationship with it. No, this would have to be done weekly.
And so, last week, I had my first visit with a therapist in a while, a brand new one at that. Thankfully we hit it off and had a great rapport, so now I'm going to be visiting her weekly (and under my insurance, thankfully).
What will this new journey entail? I have no idea. Am I scared? You betcha. Will that stop me? Hell no. I'm going to work as hard on this as I did against the depression, anxiety and self-esteem (or lack thereof) issues I conquered two years ago.
Why am I telling y'all this? Just to get it off my chest, and because I don't like hiding anything either.
So yeah, that's the big thing in my life lately. Thankfully most things besides this are great, so I can't complain TOO much. ;) However, this trust issue feels pretty big, so it'll be interesting to see what happens in the weeks and months to come.
Anyway, hope y'all are having a lovely day, and thanks for reading. :)