Just An Update
I am going to try to use my LiveJournal more often. I have some things I need to think out and this may help.
Things were going so well for me in March and April. I finished my second semester of university with really good grades (I have a 3.8 GPA), I hung out with more friends on a regular basis and my dream of becoming a motivational/evangelical speaker started to come true. I spoke at a church group, at a youth group and to a grade 11 class at a local private Christian School.
I was doing so well. Then May hit and I felt myself go back into my anti-social ways.
My best friend left a few weeks ago for Bolivia and won't be back for another few weeks, some of my other friends have left for camp for the entire summer and others have gone off traveling. I am used to spending summers alone so I've prepared. One of the problems is that I am used to the high school summer, where it lasted two months. This is university now. If you count the winter semester examination period where, let's be honest, no one sees anyone else much anyways, summer is nearly five months long. I prepared for this. I am currently taking a condensed economics course (FUUUN... not) that will keep me busy until the middle of June. Plus, my mother and I are planning a trip to Ireland at the end of August (my mother has yet to get her passport so this is still tentative). And there is a possibility that I might get to spend a long weekend in Edmonton (the city where I used to live - I love it there because compared to this boring town, there is actually stuff to do there).
Before she left for Bolivia, I made a proposition to my best friend: that we move in together sometime in the future. You see, I am VERY independent person and I eventually do want to move away from my mother sometime in my life. I have a disability. I will never be truly independent - I will have to live with someone willing to help me out every day because I need help with things necessary for life like insulin injections. I have accepted this. It’s hard because I am like in limbo. I can never be self-sufficient; however, I do not need 24 hour care. Give me my insulin and food in the morning and evening and I can sustain and take care of myself for an average day. It`s hard for me to know that I am so close to independence, yet I will never be there. This is what I struggled most with when I was going through depression. I am scared because I feel myself slipping back into depression and I don’t want to go back there.
There is no government program to help people like me, so I am left to find my own solution and I came up with one: I move in with few people I know, they take care of me and I pay 100% of the rent (thanks to a medical malpractice suit, one of the things I do have is money). That way I have someone or a number of people to help me out and they get paid by having a free place to live. I figured this was fair since I don`t require that much assistance. I told this idea to my best friend and she liked it. She said she would think about it.
Now, a few days ago, I get a message from her. She is still interested, but she suggested maybe trying it out for the summer (July, August and possibly September), then, if it worked, planning something more long term to start next summer with a few more people (that way she and whoever else moved in with us could work/go to school and there would always be someone there if I needed them). I agreed with her. I am not sure if I am ready to move out long term and when I do move out permanently, a lot of paperwork would have to be done. Problem is, she has yet to even mention this to her parents (yeah, she’s in Bolivia, I know, and we have yet to work out any details, but I know her parents would want to think about it for a while, even with knowing details, so would it really be that hard to take 20 minutes one night to pitch the idea to them in an email and let them think about it?). Another issue is, if this does all work out and we can move out for two months, who in the world is going to rent an apartment or basement suite out to people who know they are only staying for two months? The answer: not many. And finally, she says she is excited to see if this works, but she also says she is not 100% sure that she’s not going to camp this summer. She had been a cabin leader at a camp every summer and, although she says she’s pretty sure that she doesn’t want to spend summer there, I’m pretty sure she is lying to herself. A good majority of the people that work at the camp are friends with her. Plus her boyfriend is up there this year and, although engaging in any sort of romance is against camp rules, I know she doesn’t want to go almost a full summer without seeing him. I’m socially awkward, but I’m not an idiot.
I want to gain some independence, even if it is just for a few months (plus things at home are not great at the moment), but there are so many things in the way that I can see that I probably got my hopes up for nothing. It`s frustrating. And I am trying to view it as such so that I don’t get depressed about it.