"It should have been different, but it wasn't different, was it"
I have used this journal, mainly, over the past few years for venting. Well, if you've read it (and I kind of hope you haven't), you know that I've spent the better portion of the last several years really really missing Brad. He was a huge part of my young life, and I have really struggled lately with living my adult life without him.
In April of 2008, I wrote him a message on Facebook. David Cook was competing on American Idol, and the week of Brad's birthday David performed what I consider to be "our song," Always Be My Baby. I wrote him, and said that I had been thinking of him, was going to gift him the song for his birthday but didn't have his email anymore. Wished him a happy birthday and told him he should download the song, because it's great (evidence here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDYIoyYoHnc). He wrote back, thanking me for the birthday wishes and saying we should get together for coffee when he was in town next. I accepted. He wrote back with a friend request. I responded with a big negative, stating that many of my friends would kill me and I was too young to die. Mainly, I was concerned about what it would mean for my friendships with Beth and Kristopher. He accepted that and rescinded his offer of getting together.
Fast forward to August 2011. I had spent every day between the above and the present believing that I had made a mistake. I shouldn't have pushed him away...again. I love him, I miss him, yadda yadda. I daydreamed on a regular basis about accidentally running into him. I thought of him every day, and thought I had given up my last chance to have him in my life again. Until my birthday. I got a message from him that went as follows:
Jody,
I was reviewing old messages in my FB and stumbled onto this old b-day wish from back in 2008.
I know you position regarding any contact with me was clearly that of disinterest and fear for your life from friendly fire; I was wondering if that may have changed these last 2 1/2 years. I am going to be in WR 9.28-10.3 and wouldn't be opposed to a cup of coffee and some reminiscing. I still hold onto the hope of someday having one another in each other's lives in some capacity.
No pressure at all - I certainly understand if it isn't something you're interested in. Just thought I would try and mend a very old bridge.
Hope you're well,
Cheers
With my friendships with Beth and Kristopher no longer a current issue, I jumped all over it. I responded with a resounding YES....and then nervously awaited the dates. Nervous, because I am not the girl he knew. I used to be bright and strong and brave, and lately I've been none of those things.
And the something wonderful happened. He didn't call. He didn't text. He didn't FB. Nothing. Finally, on Sunday afternoon, a little pissy, I FB message'd him. He said he had an hour that afternoon that he might be able to squeeze me in. Then, nothing more. At the time, it made me really mad. What the hell, you know? He was the one who brought up getting together and then he didn't have time for me?! AND, if I hadn't messaged him there would have been no contact, he wouldn't have even bothered to let me know. But even right now, as I think it over, it makes me smile. I am so grateful it happened this way.
Here's why: it reminded me of what it was like to be in his life. Always 2nd in line, never first. Waiting by the phone for a call that is never coming. Chasing, waiting, and being angry. That is the sum of who I am with him. The sum of who he is. He lives an out of sight, out of mind existence, so if you are not right in front of him, you don't matter. He is selfish and thoughtless and inconsiderate. Do I love him? Sure. Do I miss the good stuff? Of course. But the good stuff, while great, is nothing in comparison to the bad and he is the same jackass I walked away from (with good reason) all those years ago.
So, Brad, I owe you a big fat thank you. You reminded me how I got to be bright and strong and brave. By leaving you behind nomatter how much I love you. You belong in my past, and will be staying there much longer than I had anticipated. xo
In April of 2008, I wrote him a message on Facebook. David Cook was competing on American Idol, and the week of Brad's birthday David performed what I consider to be "our song," Always Be My Baby. I wrote him, and said that I had been thinking of him, was going to gift him the song for his birthday but didn't have his email anymore. Wished him a happy birthday and told him he should download the song, because it's great (evidence here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDYIoyYoHnc). He wrote back, thanking me for the birthday wishes and saying we should get together for coffee when he was in town next. I accepted. He wrote back with a friend request. I responded with a big negative, stating that many of my friends would kill me and I was too young to die. Mainly, I was concerned about what it would mean for my friendships with Beth and Kristopher. He accepted that and rescinded his offer of getting together.
Fast forward to August 2011. I had spent every day between the above and the present believing that I had made a mistake. I shouldn't have pushed him away...again. I love him, I miss him, yadda yadda. I daydreamed on a regular basis about accidentally running into him. I thought of him every day, and thought I had given up my last chance to have him in my life again. Until my birthday. I got a message from him that went as follows:
Jody,
I was reviewing old messages in my FB and stumbled onto this old b-day wish from back in 2008.
I know you position regarding any contact with me was clearly that of disinterest and fear for your life from friendly fire; I was wondering if that may have changed these last 2 1/2 years. I am going to be in WR 9.28-10.3 and wouldn't be opposed to a cup of coffee and some reminiscing. I still hold onto the hope of someday having one another in each other's lives in some capacity.
No pressure at all - I certainly understand if it isn't something you're interested in. Just thought I would try and mend a very old bridge.
Hope you're well,
Cheers
With my friendships with Beth and Kristopher no longer a current issue, I jumped all over it. I responded with a resounding YES....and then nervously awaited the dates. Nervous, because I am not the girl he knew. I used to be bright and strong and brave, and lately I've been none of those things.
And the something wonderful happened. He didn't call. He didn't text. He didn't FB. Nothing. Finally, on Sunday afternoon, a little pissy, I FB message'd him. He said he had an hour that afternoon that he might be able to squeeze me in. Then, nothing more. At the time, it made me really mad. What the hell, you know? He was the one who brought up getting together and then he didn't have time for me?! AND, if I hadn't messaged him there would have been no contact, he wouldn't have even bothered to let me know. But even right now, as I think it over, it makes me smile. I am so grateful it happened this way.
Here's why: it reminded me of what it was like to be in his life. Always 2nd in line, never first. Waiting by the phone for a call that is never coming. Chasing, waiting, and being angry. That is the sum of who I am with him. The sum of who he is. He lives an out of sight, out of mind existence, so if you are not right in front of him, you don't matter. He is selfish and thoughtless and inconsiderate. Do I love him? Sure. Do I miss the good stuff? Of course. But the good stuff, while great, is nothing in comparison to the bad and he is the same jackass I walked away from (with good reason) all those years ago.
So, Brad, I owe you a big fat thank you. You reminded me how I got to be bright and strong and brave. By leaving you behind nomatter how much I love you. You belong in my past, and will be staying there much longer than I had anticipated. xo