(no subject)
hm. I DONT WANT TO HURT anymore. no more. but the more i say that. the more it hurts. i am never going to be okay. really i dont think so. its never gonna happen. its not gonna stop hurting that my dad isnt here. that he found someone else to be his world. that he cant possibly hear what i have to say. you know he was supposed to be there. he is supposed to see me graduate adn walk me down the aisle. but he wont. he has a new family and that is never gonna stop burning a hole in my heart. my world. no one gets it you know. ppl dont get why im a mess. they dont get why i cant get things right. they dont get why i cant stand. and you dont need to. really. but i would just like to be loved. not screamed at or pushed aside. im so damaged. so completely broken. its like someone took me off earth and put me on some planet we dont even know and im drowning. really thats what it feels like. i cant breathe adn i dont know what to do and im fighting to ge up and im getting pushed down and the harder i fight the more i cant breathe. its never gonna stop hurting that all my closest friends have thier lives together and i dont. that they have someone to love someone to go home to someone for them to cry to and be mad at and i have me. i look out for me. i cry myself to sleep and i remind myself that i love me and im worth something to the world. they have someone to turn to. i have my car. and i can drive in my car and comeback to my lonely room. ill write on this damn thing cuz its the only way to say what i feel without someone saying no bri its not that bad. cuz it is. cuz i feel it. how can i feel something that isnt. i have no parents. i have no idea where my brother is. i have so much school left. i have nothing. nothing to lose. how did that happen cuz pretty sure i had everything to lose. i have amazing friends i dont wanna sound like i dont but they have thier own lives to live. my world is stopped. and sitting in purgatory. im starting to be convinced that purgatory is worse than hell. really it is. i just wanna be numb. so i can recover ya know. like in ps i love you she says i didnt come here for some bullshit honest answer. cant you just lie to me for once? cant anyone for once make it better. just for a minute cuz i have hope . can i be 16 again. can i just cry and not hear what i need to do or what i should do.i really just wanna be held and fall apart so i can get up again. its like quick sand tho the more i try to get out before i get deeper the more stuck in that shit i am. its never gonna be right again.