(no subject)
I haven't wrote in awhile.
My life has been a series of ups and downs. These past three weeks were probably the worst I've felt in years. My mom was in the hospital for two of them. She's really sick with her liver and everything. But what i've been most upset about is that she knew what was going to happen if she drank. Which makes me angry, which makes me draw away. My anger really confuses me because I want to feel bad for my mom, but i just can't anymore. All the confusion and seeing my mom like this made me really physically ill. last sunday when i saw her i went home and slept for hours and then threw up later. this whole week i've felt fluish. i've felt like every foundation i've had was crumbling away. and it put me into a weird, weak, fluish funk. One of my teachers asked what was going on with me, so i told her my mom was sick, and she told me to talk to a counseler. So i did today. I haven't talked to this counseler since the last time my mom got out of the hospital. He helped me prepare for the worst the last time she was really sick when i was a freshman. I didn't want to talk to him because i built up a lot of pride at school and i do my best to take care of myself. i don't like asking for help. He said he was thinking a lot about me because he heard about the fire and everything, and he said that he was afraid that it would knock me out. but it didn't. instead i tried harder in school. my grades are nearly perfect and have been all year. i just found out that it is a coping mechanism. He said i could've chosen much worse methods. However this is dangerous because in times like this when everything is crumbling i feel like if i can't do the best, then i can't do anything at all. He also said i don't want to ask anyone for help because i don't want to be like my mom and sneakily make everyone else take responsibilty for everything in her life. i need to learn how to take help from people. i guess theres a law that says teachers have to be lenient on kids in my situation, but i don't want that help because i feel like the challenge of education is keeping me afloat. well anyway. that was me venting. thank you for reading if you did. it may not make sense and i'm not going to go back and read what i wrote again. haha
i also decided to go to U of I i was going to stay here and go to Harper for 2 years, but i need to get away. If i stay here it is because i'm co-dependent on my mom.
shout-outs to people i know who read this:
Lauren and Liz- I miss you guys please come home soon.
Ashley- you will be home soon and we need to hang out!
Kate- I want to hear the growth song
Alan- youre in a rock band. lol im kidding you rock dude.
Jordan- you are on your way to my house now.
D-Millz Fresh- we need a reading day and we need to visit the lady in the hill
Dillon- if you read this PLEASE comment. I tried to call you but your number is dead and i know you are back and i don't know of any other way to contact you. but i really want to talk to you.
I love you all.
Track owns my life every saturday until May 20.