Family matters: making a mountain out of a molehill of clutter
I'm back! To vent in anger!!!!! =D
So I know I promised to try posting often (maybe once a week, at least), but that didn't really happen. Instead, I might just use LiveJournal for open letters about various things.
Here's today's open letter...which actually consists of a real letter I got through email. And my possible response to it, should I decide to reply.
The Back Story
I have an issue with clutter, which I've had for years. I think it's called "Chronic Disorganization". Basically, I have a lot of stuff I need to sort through, but I'm not doing it that fast because (1) I'm busy with school/my pets/my website/etc., and (2) my depression also kicks in on occasion. Depression drains a lot of energy from you. (Why am I depressed? That's another story entirely, and it goes back to my childhood...)
There are piles in every room I frequent in my house, but they're small piles. It's definitely NOT hoarding. See?
(Yes, the bookshelves need to be straightened, and I need to work on a few piles. But it's not too bad overall, right? Plus, I go to the recycling center often, so I actually get RID of things.)
But my aunt (and most of the family, who are EXTREME NEAT FREAKS. She'll flip out if there's water on the sink!) seem convinced that I'm a hoarder. Apparently in their eyes, my clutter must look like this:
So my aunt sent me this lovely email today...and that's what pissed me off. (Parts that really pissed me off are in bold red.)
Hey Bri,
Would you PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE read The Ins and Outs of Clearing Clutter and see about getting some help! Your hoarding has passed the point of tolerable. Your unclean habits are breeding feelings of animosity and that's not a good thing. You are not doing anything to help keep the house clean and that's not fair to everyone else who lives in the house. Go to A&E and look up Hoarding buried Alive maybe there is a phone number or a webpage you can go to. You get some help ( don't say you can do it by yourself because you can't and you haven't. It's too big for you to handle by yourself) and the whole family will be your support team.
You have to admit there's a problem and there's no shame in that, we all have problems. Problems are obstacles in the road for us to solve to help us grow and get better. Take that first step so you can get better and heal yourself.
This is said in love and concern for your well being. I told you before YOU DESERVE TO TREAT YOURSELF BETTER so why not start today.
Love you, auntie
Where do I start? Let's see:
That said, here's the response I came up with. I'm thinking it's too harsh though. What do you think?:
I think we've had this discussion before, and my words don't seem to reach you. So instead, let's have pictures do it for me.
Seriously LOOK AT THESE IMAGES and tell me what the difference is between the computer room and these rooms.
(NOTE: I'd be sending her those same pictures above, as well as two more)
You can use Google Images to see more pictures of actual hoarding. Can you see the difference between these rooms and the computer room? Because I see SEVERAL differences.
Hoarders stockpile items, like what you see in the above images. That's what a hoard is: a COLLECTION of items. I'm not stockpiling anything. Furthermore, you can actually move around in the computer room, and I DON'T have 5-feet of "stuff" ANYWHERE in the house, let alone in the computer room. In the SIX YEARS I've been here, this room has not gotten ANYWHERE NEAR that level of filth. Hoarders' rooms get EXPONENTIALLY WORSE overtime. They also KEEP everything, and I RECYCLE a lot of things I KNOW I don't need. PLEASE understand that!!!
I SWEAR, every house I've ever visited isn't nearly as strict as ours when it comes to cleanliness. In fact, every house I've been to has at least one room that looks WORSE than the computer room...and get this -- their family members don't give a damn about it.
Am I saying just let our house look that bad? No. What I'm saying is be grateful we don't have a wall of clutter, or roaches or mildew (like true hoarders seem to have), and let me continue to sort things at my own pace. I AM sorting things out; you see me go to the recycling center often, don't you? I have a lot of papers to sort through and not a lot of time on my side. That's why it's going so slow. Quite frankly, I'm getting tired of you not seeing ANY "difference" when I'm clearly making progress. You're looking for "zero piles" to be present, instead of looking at "smaller and smaller piles" being present.
I'm not Superwoman. I'm not gonna get through YEARS of clutter in ONE DAY, or even one week.
When you still smoked cigarettes, did I constantly bombard you with various "helpful" books and websites? No, because that turns into harassment after a while. And more importantly, that's an issue YOU needed to change on your own, and YOU needed to ask for help on. I couldn't force you to change...even though your secondhand smoke was far more of a health risk towards me than my clutter is to you. Give me the same respect and stop mentioning this to me.
Love you too believe it or not,
Bri
So I know I promised to try posting often (maybe once a week, at least), but that didn't really happen. Instead, I might just use LiveJournal for open letters about various things.
Here's today's open letter...which actually consists of a real letter I got through email. And my possible response to it, should I decide to reply.
The Back Story
I have an issue with clutter, which I've had for years. I think it's called "Chronic Disorganization". Basically, I have a lot of stuff I need to sort through, but I'm not doing it that fast because (1) I'm busy with school/my pets/my website/etc., and (2) my depression also kicks in on occasion. Depression drains a lot of energy from you. (Why am I depressed? That's another story entirely, and it goes back to my childhood...)
There are piles in every room I frequent in my house, but they're small piles. It's definitely NOT hoarding. See?
(Yes, the bookshelves need to be straightened, and I need to work on a few piles. But it's not too bad overall, right? Plus, I go to the recycling center often, so I actually get RID of things.)
But my aunt (and most of the family, who are EXTREME NEAT FREAKS. She'll flip out if there's water on the sink!) seem convinced that I'm a hoarder. Apparently in their eyes, my clutter must look like this:
So my aunt sent me this lovely email today...and that's what pissed me off. (Parts that really pissed me off are in bold red.)
Hey Bri,
Would you PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE read The Ins and Outs of Clearing Clutter and see about getting some help! Your hoarding has passed the point of tolerable. Your unclean habits are breeding feelings of animosity and that's not a good thing. You are not doing anything to help keep the house clean and that's not fair to everyone else who lives in the house. Go to A&E and look up Hoarding buried Alive maybe there is a phone number or a webpage you can go to. You get some help ( don't say you can do it by yourself because you can't and you haven't. It's too big for you to handle by yourself) and the whole family will be your support team.
You have to admit there's a problem and there's no shame in that, we all have problems. Problems are obstacles in the road for us to solve to help us grow and get better. Take that first step so you can get better and heal yourself.
This is said in love and concern for your well being. I told you before YOU DESERVE TO TREAT YOURSELF BETTER so why not start today.
Love you, auntie
Where do I start? Let's see:
- I agree, I should help out more around the house. Although I detest vacuuming with a passion (maybe because there's too many damn people [SIX people AND A DOG!] living here and visiting the house, so the house gets fucking re-dirtied every week). I'll try to do more. Even though I'm sure you'll still bitch about my clutter if I kept most of the rooms vacuumed and sterilized weekly.
- I HAVEN'T done anything to tackle my "hoard"? Oh my god...whenever I do ANYTHING, all you EVER SAY IS "I don't see a difference". It doesn't matter if I do a small amount of cleaning or a large amount of cleaning...if there's still one pile left, no matter its size, you keep complaining. I'm tired of doing things for your approval. I'm working at MY OWN PACE, and ultimately, I'm cleaning this mess FOR ME. You can still move around the damn room and reach the important areas: closet, door, TV, couch, bookshelf. So shut up and just chill.
- You do realize that, if I wrote A&E and they responded, they'll televise this house, and embarrass ALL of us? Or rather, they'd embarrass YOU because I'd make CERTAIN to put all of your business out there. I'd probably lie and say something like you abused me my entire life. Do you really want to go there?
- I'm not ashamed of anything; I admit I have a problem. Perhaps you should do the same for yourself...because I'm sure your nitpicking over minor things (like "too much water on the sink") and frequent mood swings from "nice" to "bitchy over everything" -- which EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE has witnessed -- are signs of a personality disorder, perhaps bipolar. What's your excuse? Are you "too old" to get help? You've lived this long, so just ignore it and keep giving you a free pass? Then there's the fact that such a neat freak as yourself once dated a man who admitted he RARELY washed his hands after going to the bathroom. What the fuck?! And you have the nerve to talk about ME?!! Kettle, meet pot.
That said, here's the response I came up with. I'm thinking it's too harsh though. What do you think?:
I think we've had this discussion before, and my words don't seem to reach you. So instead, let's have pictures do it for me.
Seriously LOOK AT THESE IMAGES and tell me what the difference is between the computer room and these rooms.
(NOTE: I'd be sending her those same pictures above, as well as two more)
You can use Google Images to see more pictures of actual hoarding. Can you see the difference between these rooms and the computer room? Because I see SEVERAL differences.
Hoarders stockpile items, like what you see in the above images. That's what a hoard is: a COLLECTION of items. I'm not stockpiling anything. Furthermore, you can actually move around in the computer room, and I DON'T have 5-feet of "stuff" ANYWHERE in the house, let alone in the computer room. In the SIX YEARS I've been here, this room has not gotten ANYWHERE NEAR that level of filth. Hoarders' rooms get EXPONENTIALLY WORSE overtime. They also KEEP everything, and I RECYCLE a lot of things I KNOW I don't need. PLEASE understand that!!!
I SWEAR, every house I've ever visited isn't nearly as strict as ours when it comes to cleanliness. In fact, every house I've been to has at least one room that looks WORSE than the computer room...and get this -- their family members don't give a damn about it.
Am I saying just let our house look that bad? No. What I'm saying is be grateful we don't have a wall of clutter, or roaches or mildew (like true hoarders seem to have), and let me continue to sort things at my own pace. I AM sorting things out; you see me go to the recycling center often, don't you? I have a lot of papers to sort through and not a lot of time on my side. That's why it's going so slow. Quite frankly, I'm getting tired of you not seeing ANY "difference" when I'm clearly making progress. You're looking for "zero piles" to be present, instead of looking at "smaller and smaller piles" being present.
I'm not Superwoman. I'm not gonna get through YEARS of clutter in ONE DAY, or even one week.
When you still smoked cigarettes, did I constantly bombard you with various "helpful" books and websites? No, because that turns into harassment after a while. And more importantly, that's an issue YOU needed to change on your own, and YOU needed to ask for help on. I couldn't force you to change...even though your secondhand smoke was far more of a health risk towards me than my clutter is to you. Give me the same respect and stop mentioning this to me.
Love you too believe it or not,
Bri