As if you knew?
I wish that I never had feelings, because then I wouldn't feel so miserable all the time. I know that Kim may see me as an idiot or an asshole, but really no one understands, but me. I hate facebook, I hate myspace, people just look at things and judge without any knowledge of really what is going on. Maybe...people should shut the fuck up before they open their mouth? Maybe??? I really wish Kim would call me sometimes, even though she's fed up with me and hates me. It's hard for me to call when I know in the back of my mind that she probably doesn't want me calling anymore, and I couldn't tell you how many times I've just stared at my phone looking at her name on the screen with my thumb over the call button and then just putting my phone in my pocket. It's sad that things changed in me, and I hate being confused and I hate not knowing what is best for me, but I'd be a fool to just stand still. I know that without making a choice I'm choosing to not learn about who I am, and I would be lying to myself if I said, I don't want more. It's true, I do want to know other people and I do want to experience new things. I'm scared of staying in love because I second guess myself, and think am I right for this person? Is this person right for me? If I was going to die by the end of today, and I had an opportunity to see all my friends and say my last words, I don't know if I could face Kim. Would I want to? Yes. Would she want to? I would hope. What would I say if I had to see her? I would probably tell her that I love her, and that's probably it. I wouldn't want to explain my reasons for my actions I would just say those three words like old times, and I would say them with all my heart. I know that she wants the perfect life, and she deserves it, but I know that life isn't planned and it's not a fairy tale. I know that I may never get married, and I know that I may get married when I'm young or when I'm old, so I think this is the difference between us. It's not all about marriage it's just I'm young and I don't want to commit to someone when I should be learning about life and educating myself for the future. I hope Kim can find a place to forgive me and understand that I'm really only doing this so I can discover myself, and be truthful to myself. I know she would love to just have me begging her back and she would say, "No...you broke my heart and I can't trust you anymore." But here's some news...My aunt and my uncle dated for five years before they got married. They broke up twice. They didn't see each other for months. It's not always going to be perfect, and they got back together worked on their love some more, and even when they broke up for a second time and didn't talk to each other for a while, they still ended up seeing each other again and then realized that they were right for each other. I guess this gives me hope because I would take a bullet for Kim anyday whether she hated me and was with someone else, because I will always have a connection with her, it just sucks right now because I did break her heart, but I wish she could be mindful of the fact that I was honest with her and I would tell her how I was feeling and that I opened up a side of me that I don't give to anyone else. I wish she would remember that the good will be set in stone and the bad will be set in sand. The sand blows away after time, and you can't help but remember all the good that was done. I'm really tired, so that probably made no sense...
If she does hate me I hope she will find someone that is more like her, because we are different, but I think that's why we love each other, and we're both idk dorky and fun. She's a queen for sure and she deserves nothing less then the royal treatment! Haha, but seriously I hope that she doesn't hate me...that would be sad, because we are best friends, and I still remember sitting on the couch in her living room all snuggled under a blanket and I remember saying "I love you" for the first time, and how it was such a rush of adrenalin to say it. I'm just a ramblin' right now so I should probably sign off and sleep. I finally took off the bracelet it was sad. I knew she took it off, because she couldn't stand anything that reminded her of me, but I hope she'll read this and know that I kept that bracelet on for a long time after the fact and I want her to know that I keep it in my pocket everyday. I never leave without it.
If she does hate me I hope she will find someone that is more like her, because we are different, but I think that's why we love each other, and we're both idk dorky and fun. She's a queen for sure and she deserves nothing less then the royal treatment! Haha, but seriously I hope that she doesn't hate me...that would be sad, because we are best friends, and I still remember sitting on the couch in her living room all snuggled under a blanket and I remember saying "I love you" for the first time, and how it was such a rush of adrenalin to say it. I'm just a ramblin' right now so I should probably sign off and sleep. I finally took off the bracelet it was sad. I knew she took it off, because she couldn't stand anything that reminded her of me, but I hope she'll read this and know that I kept that bracelet on for a long time after the fact and I want her to know that I keep it in my pocket everyday. I never leave without it.