so much has changed
so much has changed since i've last written here. a part of me doesn't even want to be on this site because it's a reminder of what used to be. but i know that this is the one place where i can let everything out and not have to worry about people judging me. i feel stuck. i feel like a fish out of water. they say that the first step in getting past something is to admit that you have a problem. well...i have a problem...i'm not okay yet. i haven't been ever since. i hate it cause i don't know how long it's going to take me. i hide it from everyone and pretend that im fully okay and moved on. i hold it in...which probably isn't the best choice...but at least i'm getting it out through here right? i'm afraid to tell people because i don't know what they'll think of me. i figure they'll say it's okay...just move on. but it's not that easy. my heart still hurts...my head is constantly filled with memories. everything brings me back. i hate it... when will it all go away? i think the worst part now is that after everything and hearing nothing from him...it's as if i never really mattered to him. i know that means that it's his loss and blah blah blah...but it sucks thinking that. cause it makes me feel like i was nothing this whole time. it's like all i want is a hello something to let me know that i'm not forgotten and that once in a while...i'm a memory to him. i mean he was the one who so badly still wanted to be friends...so be my friend then. the silence kills me. i'm left hanging on wondering what happens next. i can't take it anymore. it hurts and i go each day wondering. i know God has a plan and i trust him...but it's so hard going from moment to moment. yes i have grown wiser from all of this and there are positives, but my heart...my poor heart.
so much has changed...