(no subject)
daniel and i are on a break
honestly, i am just so mad at him right now i think i might explode.
i feel like i can't talk to him about being upset about anything anymore without him thinking/telling me/acting like it's a stupid reason to be upset.
i try to talk to him about the things that i'm passionate about and he either makes jokes, makes no attempt to understand what i'm talking about, or just doesn't listen.
he takes the fact that he's stressed about coming out to his family/school stuff out on me by snapping at me, or generally being rude to me. and then he makes no attempt to apologize, even though he should know from experience that i will pretty much forgive anything, i just like people to apologize for the hurtful things they've done to me.
so because of all this i don't tell him what's bothering me - because i don't really feel like being mocked, or made to fell like i'm stupid for being upset - and i end up bottling it up. so now i'm just so angry at him/with him that i feel like i could just scream. and he DOESN'T understand!!!
so i might have gone off my medication, a medication mainly for anxiety.... and when i go off of it i get more anxious and a bit more moody, but he acts like whatever has gone wrong in our relationship thus far is completely my fault. i know i have a part in it, but jesus..... accept that you have some part in it too!
added to this he never touches me anymore..... he used to not be able to take his hands off of me - telling me he loved touching me and being in contact with me, it just felt good. he also never instigates sex, EVER so i feel like the only reason he does it is because i want to.... not because he desires me in any way. i feel like i'm somehow become repellent, like i'm now hideous or something. trust me, this doesn't help with my self esteem, and definitely doesn't make me want to share my feelings with him.
i don't understand how he can blow off what i'm feeling so easily when i've sat with him for long periods of time talking about the same things OVER and Over again. i may not understand why it bothers him, or why he needs to discus it AGAIN after we just did two days ago, but i try to soothe him and talk about because i care, because i want to see him happy. it would just be nice to get that same type of consideration back.
however, i feel like if i bring all of this up to him he'll do that "oh god i feel like an asshole! why do you still date me?" thing. and honestly, i feel like that's just a ploy to make me feel bad and forgive him without actually having to discus our problems. because it's happened several times, and he still does the same type of hurtful stuff. i feel like he's using the fact that i hate it when he feels bad so he can get away without having to confront an issue - i mean, it keeps happening again and again...... so why should i feel like he's listening to what i'm saying and learning from it...... my assumption is that he's just trying to guilt me into forgiving him so he can move on without having to exert any effort.
ugh
honestly, i am just so mad at him right now i think i might explode.
i feel like i can't talk to him about being upset about anything anymore without him thinking/telling me/acting like it's a stupid reason to be upset.
i try to talk to him about the things that i'm passionate about and he either makes jokes, makes no attempt to understand what i'm talking about, or just doesn't listen.
he takes the fact that he's stressed about coming out to his family/school stuff out on me by snapping at me, or generally being rude to me. and then he makes no attempt to apologize, even though he should know from experience that i will pretty much forgive anything, i just like people to apologize for the hurtful things they've done to me.
so because of all this i don't tell him what's bothering me - because i don't really feel like being mocked, or made to fell like i'm stupid for being upset - and i end up bottling it up. so now i'm just so angry at him/with him that i feel like i could just scream. and he DOESN'T understand!!!
so i might have gone off my medication, a medication mainly for anxiety.... and when i go off of it i get more anxious and a bit more moody, but he acts like whatever has gone wrong in our relationship thus far is completely my fault. i know i have a part in it, but jesus..... accept that you have some part in it too!
added to this he never touches me anymore..... he used to not be able to take his hands off of me - telling me he loved touching me and being in contact with me, it just felt good. he also never instigates sex, EVER so i feel like the only reason he does it is because i want to.... not because he desires me in any way. i feel like i'm somehow become repellent, like i'm now hideous or something. trust me, this doesn't help with my self esteem, and definitely doesn't make me want to share my feelings with him.
i don't understand how he can blow off what i'm feeling so easily when i've sat with him for long periods of time talking about the same things OVER and Over again. i may not understand why it bothers him, or why he needs to discus it AGAIN after we just did two days ago, but i try to soothe him and talk about because i care, because i want to see him happy. it would just be nice to get that same type of consideration back.
however, i feel like if i bring all of this up to him he'll do that "oh god i feel like an asshole! why do you still date me?" thing. and honestly, i feel like that's just a ploy to make me feel bad and forgive him without actually having to discus our problems. because it's happened several times, and he still does the same type of hurtful stuff. i feel like he's using the fact that i hate it when he feels bad so he can get away without having to confront an issue - i mean, it keeps happening again and again...... so why should i feel like he's listening to what i'm saying and learning from it...... my assumption is that he's just trying to guilt me into forgiving him so he can move on without having to exert any effort.
ugh