On the Road
I love my job...I really do...most days. It's been stressful lately. A lot of responsibilities and not a lot of time to adjust. My emotional energy is limited and it feels like I've sprung a leak in recent weeks because by the end of the day I'm utterly empty. And it's not just my job, either, my work with the EMBRACE programs (job related) and my work with NAMI Central MS take some of that energy, too. Plus, I've taken on a homebound student. That actually pays a little and the kid and his family are pretty cool but it's one more draw on my time and energy. The thing is that I want to be GOOD at all of those things. I want to make a difference in the lives of those affected by my teaching, those extras, and even my "Facebooking". It can be really exhausting.
This past week has been helpful. I've learned a lot from the workshops and meetings I attended, I had a great time hanging with Neal, and I even had a few personal growth experiences as I took some time to engage in reflection and some cultural and personal enrichment experiences in downtown Seattle. I feel stretched and a little floaty. "Where do I go from here?" is always a question worth exploring at these times. Now I'm in Minneapolis at the Shams house. It's just me, Debra, and Ryan. Mr. Shams went ot Iran for Maman's funeral. Debra's at work and I guess Ryan's still at school. It's a good time for reflection. I don't really dive into the depths of my own soul much these days. I'm not sure if it's busyness, exhaustion, or the usual effort to present the "right" face to the people around me, but introspection has been a scarce experience for quite some time. I don't really know what I want. I know I want to feel free. I know that I don't want to worry about what other people think or want. I know that I want to be financially comfortable and that does actually matter. I have to balance any thoughts of changing my life geographically or personally against how it might affect me professionally.
...There I go again. Interrupting potential introspection with worry about details. I feel like a whole person for once. I'm lost, no doubt. I'm less sure about what I want out of life than I was a few months ago...I think. I'm realizing that I need to give life and flight to feelings I've been supressing...I need to be a whole person. That person can be rational but also needs to be able to feel depression and passion and love and loss and joy and anger (maybe) and all the other feelings that make a person a person. I'm not in danger of dying alone...not really...but I am in danger of dying incomplete...that's something I need to spend time considering--what it means to be complete.
This past week has been helpful. I've learned a lot from the workshops and meetings I attended, I had a great time hanging with Neal, and I even had a few personal growth experiences as I took some time to engage in reflection and some cultural and personal enrichment experiences in downtown Seattle. I feel stretched and a little floaty. "Where do I go from here?" is always a question worth exploring at these times. Now I'm in Minneapolis at the Shams house. It's just me, Debra, and Ryan. Mr. Shams went ot Iran for Maman's funeral. Debra's at work and I guess Ryan's still at school. It's a good time for reflection. I don't really dive into the depths of my own soul much these days. I'm not sure if it's busyness, exhaustion, or the usual effort to present the "right" face to the people around me, but introspection has been a scarce experience for quite some time. I don't really know what I want. I know I want to feel free. I know that I don't want to worry about what other people think or want. I know that I want to be financially comfortable and that does actually matter. I have to balance any thoughts of changing my life geographically or personally against how it might affect me professionally.
...There I go again. Interrupting potential introspection with worry about details. I feel like a whole person for once. I'm lost, no doubt. I'm less sure about what I want out of life than I was a few months ago...I think. I'm realizing that I need to give life and flight to feelings I've been supressing...I need to be a whole person. That person can be rational but also needs to be able to feel depression and passion and love and loss and joy and anger (maybe) and all the other feelings that make a person a person. I'm not in danger of dying alone...not really...but I am in danger of dying incomplete...that's something I need to spend time considering--what it means to be complete.