Another Day
Sitting at Menchie's, enjoying some frozen yogurt and waiting for my friend Noel to join me when he gets out of class. My thoughts are a bit cloudy lately. Maybe it's getting regular exercise or the antidepressants or the lowered stress at work. In any case, I have a lot more time to think about who I am, what I want, and my relationships with others. I've missed out on so much and waited for so long to really think about what I want and who I am. So much so that I worry I may have missed the opportunity to experience some of those things in life that make it rich and beautiful. I've been focused on the work (church, school, trying to solve other people's problems) that I've lost myself in the shuffle somewhere.
How can I be fully alive and experience the fullness of the world if I'm not even fully me. I have so much left that I want to do and so many things I want to be. I'm safe/trapped in this comfortable world I've built but shut off from the uncertainty and scariness and awesomeness of the adventure life can be. I want to be and do more but fear losing all that I've built and the security that comes with having established a place in a community and the respect of my colleagues and friends.
I don't know what I want. I know that God made me to do something. I don't mean to say that I'm special, not in the sense that I'm more talented or valuable than anyone else, but I do have skills and talents that I don't get to use often. I've always loved writing and I don't get to write as often as I'd prefer. At least not things of substance. It used to just flow from me. I'd sit with a paper journal under a tree and just write and write until I was empty.
Now I reach the end of a day and I feel empty because all of that creative energy is being put toward other things. Maybe now that my workload is different, I can put more energy back in to writing. I think I'd really like that.
How can I be fully alive and experience the fullness of the world if I'm not even fully me. I have so much left that I want to do and so many things I want to be. I'm safe/trapped in this comfortable world I've built but shut off from the uncertainty and scariness and awesomeness of the adventure life can be. I want to be and do more but fear losing all that I've built and the security that comes with having established a place in a community and the respect of my colleagues and friends.
I don't know what I want. I know that God made me to do something. I don't mean to say that I'm special, not in the sense that I'm more talented or valuable than anyone else, but I do have skills and talents that I don't get to use often. I've always loved writing and I don't get to write as often as I'd prefer. At least not things of substance. It used to just flow from me. I'd sit with a paper journal under a tree and just write and write until I was empty.
Now I reach the end of a day and I feel empty because all of that creative energy is being put toward other things. Maybe now that my workload is different, I can put more energy back in to writing. I think I'd really like that.